The Journey I Traveled to Find my Truth

My Journey to Find the Meaning of Life 

JeremyThis time I’m writing to everyone even though I usually write this blog to Jeremy Powers, my son, who is now 22 years-old, and his soon-to-be wife, Sarah Coziahr, who were forced to shun me and the rest of our family over two years ago – as ordered by the Church of Scientology.  You are welcome to read the “Why This Blog” section to get the full story.  I want to point out that neither my son nor his girlfriend are on staff in any organization, but are forced to “disconnect” from anyone who dares to breathe a word against L. Ron Hubbard or the Church of Scientology, lest they be ousted as well.

Scientology continues to deny that they force heart-breaking disconnections, instead they lead people who are shunning others to believe it’s their own decisions – and I suppose it is – because insiders choose to disconnect rather than “burn in hell” which is worded by Scientology as “lose their eternity”.

Insiders are conditioned to believe that Scientology is the only salvation of mankind (the only truth there is).  They truly believe that if it fails, the entire species will be in oblivion forever.  So it’s easy to see what’s up with all this.  Yes, during my 22 years of involvement, I believed wholeheartedly I was making life sacrifices for humankind, to create a better planet!  I sacrificed most everything in those 22 years, believing it was the most important thing I could do on planet earth! (rolling my eyes at myself now).  So, that is why they shun. It’s a classic cult mindset.

There are those who can’t fathom how I could have ever ended up connected to such a group, then there’s Jeremy who can’t fathom why I’d ever leave such a group!  I have finally decided to tell my story and this isn’t the story of “how I found Scientology”, at all.  This is the story up to, including and beyond.

I hope this helps Jeremy understand me better as well.

I realize that most people are not ready for the things I’m about to say, but if you can look at life and look at things that are different than what you believe and not have to feel invalidated, I hope to share my story with you as well.  I love everyone for who they are no matter what they believe or what religious practices they embrace.

I remember way back into my childhood that I wanted to “know truth”.  Looking back, I wonder where this urge or drive actually started, because I can’t remember any point in my life that this wasn’t my ultimate goal.  When I say “know truth” I’m referring to the truth of life, living, being here on earth and why we’re here and what it’s all about.  Yes, my desire to find truth was deep.

When I was a small child my mother was into organic foods and a religious search or journey of her own.  I know I made solid conclusions as a result of things I overheard from her & my dad and in their circle of friends that have stuck with me all these years.  My conclusions are solid however the memories that molded them are but just fleeting pieces.  My parents were searching for her truth in the Holy Bible using bible study groups where it appeared that they were dissecting the “truths” out of the bible.  I even remember diagrams and charts on walls and hearing discussions arguing the validity of the current King James Bible because “going all the way back to Constantine, who had desire to control the population through religion and Christianity”.  In my mother’s circle they had concluded that God’s real name was Yahweh and that Jesus was just a man.  I was raised without celebrating Christmas or Easter, because, if I recall correctly, the belief was “thou shalt not have any other gods before me”, so I assume this meant you didn’t worship Jesus or something like that.

One of the most impressionable movies in my childhood (besides Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) was Chariots of the Gods, by Erich Von Daniken that came out in 1970.  I don’t remember when I saw it, but I certainly know what my conclusions were.  It made a lasting impression on me and happily over the years others have updated and expanded on Mr. Von Daniken’s work that has further validated it for me.

By the time I was ten years old, regardless of all those meaningless religious beliefs and practices, I came away from that era with an unwavering conclusion that it was all bullshit.  For me, the God & Jesus theory was a great story and had a lot of good advice, but it didn’t feel like truth to me, at least not the truth I was seeking.  I just couldn’t have all that faith crap that seemed to be the pinnacle of it all.  And come on, if it was truth and it was so important for mankind’s salvation why was it so cryptic?  And where was God these days, he just decided to stop showing himself all of a sudden?  Why was it the most violent of all subjects on the planet?  Could I really believe there was some God who punishes people for not believing certain things, who teaches love yet kills those who don’t love him….omg, I could go on and on here about “western” religious beliefs – but that really isn’t my point.  My point is that from this foundation my search for the meaning of life began.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I have always believed in some higher power, higher conscientiousness or supreme being of sorts, I just wanted it clearly defined and brought forward.  In fact, that was precisely the truth I was seeking.

Throughout my early teens this search was in the back of my mind.

After I got married at 16 I found myself a bit bored and decided to start my search again.  I took the yellow pages one day and started calling ministers from various churches in my area and began asking them the tough questions of logic and how did they see it all as making sense.  Like what makes sense about God being so vain that he is offended by those who doubt his existence?   How is it logical that an all-knowing all-powerful God created faulty humans then blames them for his own mistakes?  Well, needless to say, the answers I got were so lame I discarded the data almost immediately.

At that time I became a bit discouraged and defeated, not knowing really where else to take my search.  

In those days there was no internet to look things up or to see what others had found or were saying.  I remember I finally felt so betrayed by the lies that I turned somewhat atheist.  I certainly knew what wasn’t true!  See, for me, living on this planet of scientific facts like gravity then being required to take the most important things in the universe on faith was completely wrong.  Religion really was like a history class without any facts.

George_Carlin_Standup_in_2001“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! ..But He loves you.” – George Carlin

So I stopped my searching for a few years with the thought that there isn’t really anything else and we are here and then gone and that is all.

Then I discovered Dianetics, the book written by L. Ron Hubbard (it turns out that this wasn’t actually one of my08SCIENTOLOGY_SPAN-articleLarge biggest mistakes in life, but just a stepping stone on my journey).  Looking back I chuckle because when I discovered this book of “scientific facts” (rolling my eyes) I was very excited and tried the procedures outlined in it and it appeared to work exactly as stated – but when I wanted more information and found it was all connected to a “Church” I spent a week trying to convince myself that it might not be bullshit.  See, I had already concluded that truth was not to be found in a church, and in hindsight I was absolutely correct.  However, this book lead me to join one of the 20th century cults that captured my mind for twenty plus years.

I am still unraveling aspects of this experience but have concluded that I in fact did pull out many of my truths from this subject.  But for something to be true for me it has to work.   It has to be observable to ME.   In hindsight I see the error in thinking that my truth had to be observable to everyone else who  looked.  Some of the things I pulled out of Scientology were highly valuable for me in my journey and I found there were logical answers to nearly all my questions about life.  Scientology portrayed itself as “the study of knowledge” and said the word Scientology meant “knowing how to know”.  Well, that was right down my alley!

The fact that Scientology had a lot of bullshit in it and numerous contradictions was most likely due to the fact that L. Ron Hubbard wanted to capitalize on it by organizing it into a “religion”!  It’s easy to see this now that I’ve been out of it long enough.  Honestly, it’s my belief that the subject went completely south at that time.

Haven’t you heard:

  • People never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions
  • Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities
  • With or without religion, you have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things
  • For good people to do evil things it requires a religion – because they would not do evil otherwise

….and so it was in Scientology!

For example, when I no longer wanted to be a member of the organization and resigned, I was labelled as “ultra evil”.  All my friends and family who remained entrapped were required to shun me for the rest of my life – all because I dared to utter an opposing opinion regarding Scientology.  This opened the door to atrocities committed on me and the breaking up of my family – all believed to be ethical & riotous in the eyes of those remaining!

the_journeyMoving along in my journey and obviously, I finally tore myself out of the religious cult – and took with me the small pieces of truth that worked for me, or better stated, things that I saw work for me in my life (keeping in mind, I didn’t take things of “faith”, but things that did something in my life, because for me, the way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason, and I don’t fly that way.  I walked out with a whole new viewpoint on reality and a new place to look at things and from which to evaluate with the ability to do a lot more research.  I was now free to look to see what “truths” were out in the world.  Alas the internet had been born during the time I had my head in the sand.  See, during the twenty plus years I had not looked for any other answers or viewpoints because we were taught not to, even cautioned against, looking for other answers to life at all – and the internet was of course full of “harmful other practices”.

So here I was 22 years later, and again, seeking truth.  I had realized that among the truths I had found in Scientology, the subject was abundant with lies!   There were lies told to followers in order to control the group, so kin to religion.  All of a sudden, 22 years of “foundational truths” that I once held, I no longer believed.

Floundering for “THE TRUTH” Again!

I found intense truth in The Law of Attraction (as told by Esther & Jerry Hicks and in the movie called The Secret) and expanded my horizons, because as I practiced this I found it changed things in my life.  I suppose this was the most pivotal truth for me personally, because I couldn’t blow any holes in it.

But I wanted more.  I wanted more even if it was only to validate what I now felt was truth about why we’re here, who we are, how do we relate to the “creator”, what happens after we die – so I continued searching for more truth.

CLICK HERE FOR A SYNOPSIS OF……… THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

***

I found a resonating agreement with “Principles of Existence” by Ken Ogger which significantly added to my collection of “my” truth.  I was starting to stack thing on my foundation again, so to say.  I was able to clarify my viewpoint of God.  The viewpoint that I had adopted over the years.  My life was starting to come back together for me and I felt a sense of calm coming over me again, feelings of having real truth again.

CLICK HERE TO READ……THE PRINCIPLES OF EXISTENCE

***

With all this in my head I still had unanswered questions, and mostly about why there are so many people who are stuck (like I was stuck) in their own organized religions and going through life with faith alone.  And, because I’m a pretty unbiased person, another curiosity to me was in examining the life of someone who has been a devout Christian with a strong faith in God and prayer and see that their life was going very well indeed.   How could that be?  What could possibly be causing that to happen?  By the way I have that fully answered now too.  🙂

Finally, and I’m sure I could not have come to this conclusion without the previous things I had studied – it finally culminated when I read Jiddu Krishnamurti’s “Truth is a Pathless Land” — This was an amazing viewpoint and it rang completely true to me, tying a few things nicely together for me.  Finally, I could even understand people whom I call “faith followers”.

It was about this time that I backed completely off of “judging others”, in any way, actually.  I’m not saying I’m a saint, because there are moments when a judgmental thought will enter my mind and I examine it and toss it out, realizing I don’t have enough facts to judge another. So at times, the thoughts still come in on me.

However, I stopped needing to feel like I was intellectually superior in some way because of my accumulated knowledge.  Judging others and presenting a persona of spiritual superiority is a stance I notice quite often in Christian religions, wherein many who are Christian feel they are the “chosen ones” or “the saved” or somehow superior to those who don’t believe as they do.  I’m so thankful I no longer hold any belief of such things, as I feel we are all on our own path to truth and each of our paths are the right path for us at any particular time.  My particular path has led me to know that we are all loved equally and unconditionally and the only judge who is valid in the end is you and of yourself.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE SHORT ARTICLE….TRUTH IS A PATHLESS LAND

***

In the meantime, I read a profound book by Michael Newton entitled, Journey of Souls – I highly recommend this book.  I have come to the point in my life wherein I have absolutely no fear of death.  None.  I don’t want to lose a friend or loved one because I enjoy having them around, however that loss has a brand new meaning to me now.  And even losing Jeremy has new meaning and is more bearable.

Realize that I look at life from a viewpoint quite different than a majority of people on planet Earth, and always have – and this search for the bottom line was an obsession for me this lifetime.  I just did a Google search one day for “the truth” and looked to see what was out there.  That is when I stumbled upon Story Waters and his “Meaning of Life in 700 words“.

End of search.  Believe it or not I have reconciled my life long search for “TRUTH”.  Funny, it wasn’t one single thing that brought me to this, but when I read these 700 words, it simply put the icing on the cake for me.  Story Waters likes to tell his readers, “take what resonates and leave the rest” and with that, here is what I read that day the put the search to rest for me.

CLICK HERE TO READ……..THE MEANING OF LIFE IN 700 WORDS

***

I share these links with you, with love.  However you need to know that I’m only sharing how I got to where I am and in no way do I think the road you are on is wrong – it’s just a different path.  Your comments are always welcome.

Jeremy I love you.

Love,
Meshell

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One response to this post.

  1. Spectacular!!!!!!!!!!! I was always looking for How & Why. EST answered those & spent the next 2 weeks looking at the wall. I decided I could keep on looking anyway & that was what I did. Thanks for sharing your adventure. Patsy Kimbro

    Reply

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