What Hurts the Most

Today is a very hard day!  I’m using all my emotional strength to not “lose it”.  Been extra stressful because it’s been hard to do. Hard to hold myself together.

Why?  Well, one of my nightmares happened to my friend, Lori, whose two kids disconnected from her for the same reasons you disconnected from us…. her Jeremy was involved in a bad motorcycle accident and was in the emergency room and Lori was kept from seeing him.  You heard right.  Her ex-husband directed to the hospital staff that she wasn’t allowed to see him, and since her son is 18 – he went along with his dad.  Of course we know he was doing it because “he didn’t want to cause trouble”.  Her son had to stay in the hospital all night and go to surgery today and you guessed it……..she wasn’t allowed to hug and kiss him before he went to surgery, hell, she wasn’t even allowed to talk to him or see him.

This is sick.

This puts someone at total effect.

How does one get at slight gentle cause over this level of heavy suppression?

HOW!!!  Jeremy answer that!

Well, I have examined it from every possible angle and there is only one way….

The only thing I can think of to keep from going crazy is to turn my back.  Throw up my hands and consider you’re gone and decide I don’t care!

Today Marta Wilson posted a quote on Facebook, it read,

“When people walk away from you…
Let them go…
Your destiny is never tied to anyone who…
 leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are
bad people.
It just means that their part in your story
is over”

When I read this I cried.  It’s probably true on most levels.  It just doesn’t seem true of ones own children!!

But how do I cope, Jeremy?  I’ve always said this won’t sink in for you until the day you have a child.  Only then will you ever be able to conceive of the pain and sadness.

When people lose a loved one in death, they mourn for a length of time.  Most people finally pop out of it and move on.  I guess they reconcile with the situation and something about it allows them to close the door and move to a new chapter.  I wonder if they would do this if it were truly possible that the loved one could actually come back to life?  I don’t think they would.  That’s the limbo I find myself in.

I tell myself that I need to just emotionally detach from this and move on to my next chapter.  Just get the “I don’t give a shit” attitude.  It seems that is the only way to stop the suppression of this situation.

So funny.  I have actually never been suppressed in my life.  Never. Until now and by the one organization that preaches suppressive people are harming others!!!  The one organization that professes to be the only hope for mankind. Pffft!  NOW I’m being suppressed and being called The Suppressive Person.  Are you freaking kidding me!?

This is not easy being on the roller coaster.  One day I’m like okay drop it.  He decided to walk out of your life and cause you all this pain, then the next hour I’m like, no I can’t let go and I again bump square into the suppression from the “church” of Scientology.  Not a freaking thing I can do about it.  NOTHING.  But suck up and take it.  Accept that here in the USA a cult can legally tell a family member they are not allowed to love or talk to their family again.  I’m up and down.  Makes me feel crazy.  My hands are tied.

I’ve thought a million times of going over to your apartment and knocking on the door to just see you, give you a hug and tell you I love  you – then walk away.  I don’t do this for a couple reasons.  First of all, I think I would crack a pipe if you were cold or pushed me away.  I do not believe I could take that.  I’m not sure how I would react either. My considerations are that I would truly go crazy.  Secondly, what if it just caused you trouble with your “beloved, more important than your whole family” girlfriend.  Yes, I’m being snide.  This is sick.

Should I hate you for the pain?  Sometimes I do.

I wonder if I’m going to be okay.

I wonder this every single day.  Coping has been interesting to say the least.  It would be so much easier for me to just emotionally walk away from you and say you’re just NOT part of my next chapter.  Just smile and fly you the finger.

If anyone were to ever try to keep me from seeing you if you were in the hospital or worse – I freaking dare them!!!!  Bring it on, because I dare them to try to keep me away.  The most sickening part is that I promise you, that beloved “church” you are allowing to dictate to you would have me arrested and guaranteed that when I lost my mind over that, they would smile as I was being carted off to the insane ward.  I have no doubt about this.  The thought scares me.

For sure, I need help coping.  I choke back tears so many times it isn’t funny, because I know if I started it would be hard to stop.  I fear I would lose control.

I think for my sanity I need to detach from you emotionally and walk away with my sanity.  Just walk away……just walk away.  Like you did.

 

There’s a song by Rascal Flatts, “What Hurts the Most”.  For me this song makes me think of you.

I know it’s a sort of love song – but for me I hear it differently. (See the lyrics below and I have added what I think of in “red”)

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry, every once in a while even though
Going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
(I really wanted to convince you of how wrong it was for you to choose Scientology over your family. I really wanted to go over everything I’d learned so you could see it.  I really wanted to completely handle you and have you walk away- with us.)
And watching you walk away
(You hugged me, I saw you had tears and you said you were in a hurry because Sarah was waiting in the car – the door closed).

And never knowing what could’ve been
(I would have loved to share your new life with you.  I’ve been looking forward to being the grandma and having a house full over the holidays)
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do
(Loving you? Yeah, I did not try to invalidate you and shatter your reality, but decided that you should be able to make your own decisions about the subject of Scientology and if you wanted it, that was something you should have – because I love you. I ensured you had money to use in Scientology if you wanted, because that is what you said you wanted – because I love you.  I allowed you to make the choice to walk out of my life, instead of invalidating you and telling you how wrong you were – because I love you.  I felt you should able to be a Scientologist and still love me – because I love you. Does that seem unreasonable?)

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
(I’m sure all the Scientologists secretly hope to see me broken down, as I’m sure they think I deserve to be broken! *rolling my eyes)
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
(What regret? Regret that I trusted you when you said you’d NEVER honestly disconnect from me. Regret that I didn’t enlighten you enough and ensure you walked away from Scientology too.  Regret that I am so unbiased that I thought you should be allowed to have whatever religion you want and not to make you wrong for it.  Regret that I believed your love for me and our relationship was much bigger than the suppressive “disconnection order” from the “church”.  Regre

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