Archive for October, 2011

Happy Halloween-A Ghostly Weekend

Happy Halloween Jeremy!  Hope you’re doing something fun, like dressing up really scary and handing out candy to trick-or-treaters!  I know how much you like spooking others, this could be your chance to have a lot of creative fun doing it.




This weekend was one-of-a-kind for me.  It started Friday night when Jim and I went out to Pere Marquette, Illinois to stay in the lodge for a paranormal investigation!  The real deal too.  A paranormal investigation team, Altered State Paranormal (A.S.P.), was there and they had all the equipment and same attitude as Grant & Jason on the “Ghost Hunters” show.  What I mean is they are scientific in their approach.  Since it was the Halloween weekend there were a lot of other folks who came for the “creepiness” of it, so it was just slightly over crowded and a few “nay-sayers” among the group.


Jim and I had a great time.  Starting at 7pm with a cocktail and appetizers, got briefed on the location and how this investigation would be ran.  We split up in teams and over the course of the next several hours we investigated lots of spots around the lodge.  They served breakfast the next morning and did the “reveal” of evidence that was captured.  It was entertaining, but not a lot happened that convinced me that we met up with folks who aren’t using a body.



On the way home we stopped off at Ruebels Hotel in Grafton.  It felt like we stepped back into the late 1700’s in the wild west.  Nice place and nicely restored.  We had a yummy lunch then set out to tour the hotel.  To our amazement, there wasn’t anyone around on the hotel side and we were able to roam the halls, go upstairs and just experience the place.  That was cool.  I took some pics.






Once we left there we headed on down the river road and turned in to Elsah.  OMG, this is a little village that seems to have been lost in time.  I loved its uniqueness.

Definitively a place you should drive over to see some day.  Basically, you go to Alton and head west on the river road and it’s on the right just outside of Alton.  There are huge bluffs just west of the village that I wanted to go see, but we were sort of running out of energy and time.



Ok, I just had to show you this picture.  I have no idea whose pickup it is, but they have figurines glued all over it.  Wild and weird.

We stopped to ask a man how to get up to the bluffs and he suggested we take a side street and head up to the college!  Are you kidding me? There is a college in this village!!??

Yep!  Ok, so we headed up the little road to see Pinicia College!  We were told we could go to the bluff from there.  We pulled in to the college driveway and was met by a young man whose job it was to ensure anyone coming in was “supposed to be there”.  When let him know we were just sightseers, he happily went to the guard shack and brought us out a magnetized sign to put up on the roof of the vehicle and a map of the campus showing us the “tour route”.  Hmmmm, seems others have toured before us!

It was wild!  Among some obvious modern structures they built and designed to match, were some really old college buildings.  Wow. Amazing to look at and just imagine what it was like in the old days.  I didn’t get the best pics because I took too many shots from the passenger side and through dirty windows, but you get the idea how neat the place was.  There was a lookout pullover and that is where we were able to look down on the Mississippi River and see all the way to St. Charles!  Amazing view.  One you should do.  As I said, we never found the way to those huge bluffs but I’m betting I go back someday soon to see more.





That was fun.  Pere Marquette was a cool first time “ghost hunting” experience, but like I said, not really enough to convince me.  No, worries, I found the big one!

The same paranormal team leading the investigation at the lodge was doing another “all-night” investigation this next night at a highly active location in Alton.  The location was the old Milton Schoolhouse.  OMG, yes!!!  THE old Milton Schoolhouse that Jason and Grant (from TAPS, Ghost Hunters) investigated a year or more ago.  I watched that episode thinking “oh my god, if I could go there too”!  It was so active they just started laughing at all the activity.  I wanted to go to this one tonight too.  No, I had not slept the night before and no, Jim was not going to be able to go.  No worries, I called Heather!  Yes sir, she was brave enough to go with me.  It was scheduled from 8:30 pm until 6 am.  Heck, no problem for her, she slept until 11:30am.




The schoolhouse was truly the experience I was looking for.  I believe it was one of the creepiest places I’ve been in at dark.  Remember when we used that one room in that old, old haunted school, for the Ability School?  Well, Milton Schoolhouse was 20 times the size at 80,000 square feet, and a lot more active with spirits.  Like I expected, the investigation was very professionally done using all the best equipment.  I had an experience there that sealed the deal for me (but couldn’t be documented) and Heather had one that was easily documented.  So now, I believe I have my personal “physical” evidence I felt I needed.  But it’s like crack, now I’m hooked and want more!  LOL.  Funny, I thought Heather would be scared to death, but she certainly wasn’t.  She was completely willing to be in communication with anything that might have wanted to communicate.  Nice.



So it was a great weekend.  Like usual, you were thought of many times, and no, not just when we had yummy food!!! 😉




Disconnection is Against Their Policy

The Church of Scientology is violating their own policies on PTSness and disconnection.

HCOPL Cancellation of Disconnection Policy 15 November 1968

“Since we can now handle all types of cases disconnection as a condition is cancelled”

Disconnection has been Cancelled!

This was not included in the altered new Miscavige versions of the Green Volumes!




Other policys being violated …


~~~~~~   ~~~~~~

“HCOPL PTS Type A Handling of 20 October 1981″

In that policy Hubbard NEVER, EVER, mentions the word disconnection. The handling according to that policy is:

 “Get in comm with the family member until the situation is resolved” 

~~~~~~   ~~~~~~




HCOB  of 8 March 1983, Handling PTS Situations

 It says perfectly clear…

“You coach him into two way communication that is well above 2.0 on the Tone Scale,

that mostly consists of acks and mild interest in what is going on… in other words, you handle this in real life..”

~~~~~~   ~~~~~~




HCOB 10 September 1983, PTSness and Disconnection

 In the section “Lost Tech” Ron says;  “Earlier disconnection as a condition was cancelled.

It had been abused by a few individuals who failed to handle situations

which could have  been handled and who lazily or criminally disconnected,

thereby creating situations even worse than the original, because it was the wrong action.”

This was originally posted by a friend of mine, Aida Thomas Class VIII Auditor

CLICK HERE to go to read her blog.  See what a Class VIII Auditor has to say!



Additionally – Jeremy, let’s assume the argument is that the “SP declare” that was issued on your family was an “ETHICS” action and not a technical action.  Do you have any idea how many ethics steps their own policy says should be done before “expulsion with a “declare”?   Something close to 34 steps! (Ethics Review) Guess how many steps were taken before the final step for us?  ZERO!  Oh, at this point, there is a reference that is pulled out of context that states something on the order of “if one leaves Scientology he is no longer protected by the policies of Scientology” – that is double speak!  Read it for yourself.  It’s used to serve someone’s evil purposes to be right in the inhumane treatment of someone who no longer agrees with what is going on inside that corporate entity.




~~~~~~   ~~~~~~

What Hurts the Most

Today is a very hard day!  I’m using all my emotional strength to not “lose it”.  Been extra stressful because it’s been hard to do. Hard to hold myself together.

Why?  Well, one of my nightmares happened to my friend, Lori, whose two kids disconnected from her for the same reasons you disconnected from us…. her Jeremy was involved in a bad motorcycle accident and was in the emergency room and Lori was kept from seeing him.  You heard right.  Her ex-husband directed to the hospital staff that she wasn’t allowed to see him, and since her son is 18 – he went along with his dad.  Of course we know he was doing it because “he didn’t want to cause trouble”.  Her son had to stay in the hospital all night and go to surgery today and you guessed it……..she wasn’t allowed to hug and kiss him before he went to surgery, hell, she wasn’t even allowed to talk to him or see him.

This is sick.

This puts someone at total effect.

How does one get at slight gentle cause over this level of heavy suppression?

HOW!!!  Jeremy answer that!

Well, I have examined it from every possible angle and there is only one way….

The only thing I can think of to keep from going crazy is to turn my back.  Throw up my hands and consider you’re gone and decide I don’t care!

Today Marta Wilson posted a quote on Facebook, it read,

“When people walk away from you…
Let them go…
Your destiny is never tied to anyone who…
 leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are
bad people.
It just means that their part in your story
is over”

When I read this I cried.  It’s probably true on most levels.  It just doesn’t seem true of ones own children!!

But how do I cope, Jeremy?  I’ve always said this won’t sink in for you until the day you have a child.  Only then will you ever be able to conceive of the pain and sadness.

When people lose a loved one in death, they mourn for a length of time.  Most people finally pop out of it and move on.  I guess they reconcile with the situation and something about it allows them to close the door and move to a new chapter.  I wonder if they would do this if it were truly possible that the loved one could actually come back to life?  I don’t think they would.  That’s the limbo I find myself in.

I tell myself that I need to just emotionally detach from this and move on to my next chapter.  Just get the “I don’t give a shit” attitude.  It seems that is the only way to stop the suppression of this situation.

So funny.  I have actually never been suppressed in my life.  Never. Until now and by the one organization that preaches suppressive people are harming others!!!  The one organization that professes to be the only hope for mankind. Pffft!  NOW I’m being suppressed and being called The Suppressive Person.  Are you freaking kidding me!?

This is not easy being on the roller coaster.  One day I’m like okay drop it.  He decided to walk out of your life and cause you all this pain, then the next hour I’m like, no I can’t let go and I again bump square into the suppression from the “church” of Scientology.  Not a freaking thing I can do about it.  NOTHING.  But suck up and take it.  Accept that here in the USA a cult can legally tell a family member they are not allowed to love or talk to their family again.  I’m up and down.  Makes me feel crazy.  My hands are tied.

I’ve thought a million times of going over to your apartment and knocking on the door to just see you, give you a hug and tell you I love  you – then walk away.  I don’t do this for a couple reasons.  First of all, I think I would crack a pipe if you were cold or pushed me away.  I do not believe I could take that.  I’m not sure how I would react either. My considerations are that I would truly go crazy.  Secondly, what if it just caused you trouble with your “beloved, more important than your whole family” girlfriend.  Yes, I’m being snide.  This is sick.

Should I hate you for the pain?  Sometimes I do.

I wonder if I’m going to be okay.

I wonder this every single day.  Coping has been interesting to say the least.  It would be so much easier for me to just emotionally walk away from you and say you’re just NOT part of my next chapter.  Just smile and fly you the finger.

If anyone were to ever try to keep me from seeing you if you were in the hospital or worse – I freaking dare them!!!!  Bring it on, because I dare them to try to keep me away.  The most sickening part is that I promise you, that beloved “church” you are allowing to dictate to you would have me arrested and guaranteed that when I lost my mind over that, they would smile as I was being carted off to the insane ward.  I have no doubt about this.  The thought scares me.

For sure, I need help coping.  I choke back tears so many times it isn’t funny, because I know if I started it would be hard to stop.  I fear I would lose control.

I think for my sanity I need to detach from you emotionally and walk away with my sanity.  Just walk away……just walk away.  Like you did.


There’s a song by Rascal Flatts, “What Hurts the Most”.  For me this song makes me think of you.

I know it’s a sort of love song – but for me I hear it differently. (See the lyrics below and I have added what I think of in “red”)

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry, every once in a while even though
Going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
(I really wanted to convince you of how wrong it was for you to choose Scientology over your family. I really wanted to go over everything I’d learned so you could see it.  I really wanted to completely handle you and have you walk away- with us.)
And watching you walk away
(You hugged me, I saw you had tears and you said you were in a hurry because Sarah was waiting in the car – the door closed).

And never knowing what could’ve been
(I would have loved to share your new life with you.  I’ve been looking forward to being the grandma and having a house full over the holidays)
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do
(Loving you? Yeah, I did not try to invalidate you and shatter your reality, but decided that you should be able to make your own decisions about the subject of Scientology and if you wanted it, that was something you should have – because I love you. I ensured you had money to use in Scientology if you wanted, because that is what you said you wanted – because I love you.  I allowed you to make the choice to walk out of my life, instead of invalidating you and telling you how wrong you were – because I love you.  I felt you should able to be a Scientologist and still love me – because I love you. Does that seem unreasonable?)

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
(I’m sure all the Scientologists secretly hope to see me broken down, as I’m sure they think I deserve to be broken! *rolling my eyes)
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
(What regret? Regret that I trusted you when you said you’d NEVER honestly disconnect from me. Regret that I didn’t enlighten you enough and ensure you walked away from Scientology too.  Regret that I am so unbiased that I thought you should be allowed to have whatever religion you want and not to make you wrong for it.  Regret that I believed your love for me and our relationship was much bigger than the suppressive “disconnection order” from the “church”.  Regre

Today I Thought of You

Jeremy something happened that made me cry tears of joy!  Silly, actually…… and no, I didn’t get to see or talk to you!  Wish I could say more, but let’s just let it be said that as of today I at least know you’re alive and … I hope you’re well.

Thank god I know you’re okay.

That is the hardest part of all lines of communication being cut is not having a clue if you’re okay or if you’ve been hurt, in an accident, in a hospital, maybe dying or (shudder) dead!  It’s an absolute fact that there would be nobody who would tell me or any of your real family if you died.  

I know this doesn’t seem real to you, but honey – it is the fact.  I know people who have Scientology disconnected loved ones who died and they were never told.  I know it seems impossible to be this cold, but when you see it from their viewpoint, it makes sense.  (If you don’t think about it)!

“Dear Family, The examples you set for me have helped me set a lifes course.  Your value to this world and to me are beyond any words.  They say that a picture paints a thousand words.  While that is not near enough, I draw this with you all in my thoughts.  Love, Jeremy”

In early 2010 you created this photo shop picture. I posted it today because it makes me feel good knowing that this is how you felt.  There is no doubt that you meant it.  The day you created it you tagged your whole family in it.  It was a beautiful moment for me, and it made me cry with tears of happiness.  Until this past year, I’ve always felt very loved by you.

Simply unbelievable to think that even though you and I had no fight, no upsets, no harsh words, nothing – less than 6 months after you made this you would disconnect from every single one of us – completely!

My phone number is 314-558-2308.  Keep this because you never ever know when you might need to reach me.  Even though it’s my google voice number, you can still text me there as well.

My email is meshell.little at g mail and you are welcome to write to me without me responding – if you’d just write and tell me about your day, your life, your thoughts, your mood and anything else.

Having a “relationship” or “associating” with me has a completely different meaning than knowing what is happening in each other’s life, don’t you think?

If you get in touch me, via email, text or any other way (Facebook etc.) my promise to you is I will not breathe a word of it.  You are safe that I will not let it out that we have a communication.  I know you want your life with Sarah, and to communicate with me means she leaves you.  I don’t want to harm you or your lifestyle.

I love you, Jeremy.

If you truly and honestly do love me, please figure out a way around this suppressive disconnection order you’re under regarding me.   Your sister is NOT doing well.  This disconnection thing was a catalyst to her spiraling.  She is so precious, Jermey, please ask questions of yourself.  Don’t make excuses, don’t be “reasonable” about things that do not make sense.  Keep your own counsel and follow the creed of your religion.

My Wish

Heather and I were driving down the road when this song came on and she said it made her think of Jeremy and what she would say to him.  I would have to agree with her.



Lyrics – Rascal Flatts, My Wish

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window,
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Even the Suicides are not Questioned Within…

Even the suicides are not questioned within – so why would off-policy and unjust disconnection orders be questioned or challenged?  The answer to this will blow your mind.

Woke up with this burning question in my mind …. What church would REQUIRE the ENTIRE congregation (including immediate family) stop associating with you just because you were slightly publicly critical of that church?  This question just won’t go away.  I even posted it on Facebook as a survey question.

I’m asking for your help.
Please spread this request to everyone you know!

The Scientology “forced” disconnections are destroying and harming good people.  My family feels the pain of this disconnection is only getting worse as time goes by, not easier!  This month marks a year.  I have new found precious friends who are just trying to hold themselves together as well.  This needs to be properly exposed and stopped!

I am determined to solve this inhumane bullshit that is affecting so many good
people across this planet!
And to think that it’s being done by an organization that claims to be the only
hope for mankind and further claims to be the sanest organization
 the planet.


Today, as I think of my 20 year old son, Jeremy, I try to imagine how he must feel about his “forced disconnection”.  – -The “church” of Scientology tells him “no service from us if you have any association whatsoever with your mom, sister or step-dad”,

-his girlfriend of a year says “we can’t have a relationship anymore if you have any association whatsoever with your mom, sister or step-dad”,

-his employer says “you cannot be employed in my company if you have any association whatsoever with your mom, sister or step-dad” — get this — all because my husband was publicly critical of Scientology!  Are you freaking kidding me!?   Course, I am now publicly very critical as well, but originally we were all labeled “devil spawn” because my husband was publicly critical of that “church”!

ALL insiders, including my son’s girlfriend and his boss – believe that Scientology contains all the answers to life and is 100% correct.  They are not allowed to openly doubt – even if things don’t add up!  They buy excuses that make no sense if you looked at it with a critical eye.

I have some examples.

I had good friends whose son got into drugs and alcohol.  As they were trying hard to keep him from a path of destruction, they took out huge loans and sent him (against his will) to a Scientology children’s rehabilitation ranch a few states away.  This facility was owned and operated by some top level Scientologists (OTs), yet they completely failed to help their son.  It not only failed to help him, he felt it harmed him.  He reported some pretty gross instances of degradation, humiliation and abuse going on there.  These are things that are quite the opposite of what Scientology is supposed to be about.  I remember at the time thinking he must be lying about it, however the abuse has been reported by several others who went through it as well.  The internet is a brand new way of reporting!  I’m now sure it happened to him, because his stories were the same as theirs.  Needless to say, he came back home and went back into his chemical oblivion for years – finally resorting to extreme amounts of alcohol.  It finally culminated with him seriously trying to commit suicide.  In fact, I’m quite surprised that he failed as his method was almost fail proof!  Did his parents see the clue here?  Hell, did I? Nope.  We made excuses to make ourselves right in judgment.

Insiders believe that “bad” situations are isolated. 

That’s what they have to believe or all their “truths” start to crumble. 

It’s not easy confronting the facts of this organization. 

These incidents are NOT isolated, by far. 

They are pervasive!

I personally knew another person who basically committed suicide with a drug over-dose.  This boy (less than 20 yrs old) was the son of long standing veteran Scientologists who were applying the techniques of Scientology to his life and had been since he was a toddler.  He even went to Scientology based schools!  When he finally went so far south with drug abuse, they sent him to a Scientology based drug rehab program – NARCONON – not once, not twice, but THREE times.  Wasn’t that their first clue that something wasn’t as they were to believe?  It sure caused me to doubt! Duh! Do you know how much that program costs? I’m sure they were given real solid good excuses as to why the program was a 3 time failure for their son.  Like, it was “his” fault.  He is responsible for the condition he is in, one cannot be helped if they keep doing bad things….on and on.  Never once did they look at their belief that the “tech” works 100% of the time, except… except… except… when it doesn’t!

What am I getting at here?  Well, get this.

Last year I found out the person who recruited me to staff way back in the 90’s, committed suicide.  You know, she was a 3rd generation Scientologist who had been on staff since the age of 13 and was working in St. Louis since 1991.  She had two beautiful young children and a 2nd generation Scientologist husband.  This girl was a “clear” who was trained to the top end of Scientology administrative technology, called OEC/FEBC.

She hung herself – of all things!  That is a brutal suicide!  This is no rumor, as it was told by her mother.

There is no obituary to be found.
There are no answers as to why. Strange!

Even stranger, her mom insinuated that her suicide was as a result of her “looking at things on the internet about Scientology”.  Her mom even said that’s why she never looks at anything critical to Scientology in email or internet.

When I told an “OT” who is still “in” about it (and about how there are so many others who are at the highest point of Scientology (OT’s) and killing themselves), he said “well, for them it’s not really suicide, it’s just a re-set”.  His viewpoint was that since we don’t really die anyway that these suicides are just a reset to start in a new body! He saw nothing wrong with his thinking this way!

You know, thinking back to this type of mindset of the followers …

Imagine the current leader, David Miscavige, holding a special event and telling everyone that L. Ron Hubbard has returned and has proven it is him.  Then let that so-called reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard speak to the crowd telling them there is no time left and that it is critical for all Scientologists to head to “target 2” and to drop the current body and go with him – I’m completely sure that 80% of them would take their own lives (reset)!  And for sure, those who disagreed with such an act would be considered unethical and off “purpose”.  I’m absolutely sure about this.  Can you say…. “Jim Jones”!  And, for anyone not familiar with Jim Jones, just google it.

So how does all this relate to the “disconnection” thing?

For one thing, the reason so many insiders get so reasonable about “out-points” is because
they believe that Scientology is the only answer to all of mankind’s problems. They believe it’s the only salvation man has and if it doesn’t “win the war” man will disappear back into the dark ages or worse.
They believe that they have all lived eons and eons and in all of eternity they have been slaves to amnesia
and that Scientology alone contains all the answers and the key to the trap.
Sum it up, they believe that Scientology = their eternity.
End of thought.

So with this mindset, followers make all excuses for short comings and things that don’t make sense or are really wrong!

Because of this, people truly, “on their own determinism” disconnect from their loved ones when Scientology requires they do so.  The threat they deal with for not disconnecting with those loved ones is basically “eternity in hell” because they will no longer be allowed to be part of Scientology and thereby will never be “spiritually free”.   The Scientology e-meter can work like a “lie detector” so they can’t keep secret association either.

(Last laugh, 98% do not know there are extremely highly trained (Flag trained and interned)
Scientologists in the field and everything they get on the inside can be achieved on the outside of the organization)!

“Disconnect, or your future is at stake”.  Previous to Miscavige, disconnection was practiced very differently.  Such as in some instances it could be necessary to disconnect from someone who is invalidating to you or suppressive to you as you might not achieve benefit from it if you’re connected to a source of personal suppression.  You know, like an abusive relationship of some sort.  Disconnection (if you can’t handle the suppressive person) was used as a temporary handling so the person could become stronger and no longer be affected by such suppression.  It was not a permanent handling in most circumstances.  However, since the time that it was taken over by the self-appointed leader, David Miscavige, disconnection has been used to control the followers and to prevent people from discovering things that would surely cause them to disassociate with the church!

In fact, in the “old” days, the only way one could be labeled as “devil spawn” (Suppressive Person/SP) was to actually go through the Scientology justice system wherein there are at least 34 actions or gradient steps that would be taken to correct someone before the person was expelled and labeled as an SP.  The policy that governed it was called “Ethics Gradients”.  Weird how they no longer even bother with that!  And the “insiders” do not even question this “out-point”!!!

Go figure, again I’ll say that insiders believe that the “bad” situations are isolated
or their “truths” start to crumble.  These incidents are NOT isolated, by far.  They are pervasive!

So, today I’m trying to figure out how to solve the issue of “Disconnection Policy”.  There has to be a way to beat this.  There has to be a way to shed enough light on this, make enough noise about it, make so much pressure from victims of this abuse that they find themselves needing to make changes internally and abolish the requirement that followers must disconnect.  I know there is a way.  Let’s put our heads together and come up with the plan and let’s execute it with ease!

I could use your ideas and help.

The Art of War.