Archive for August, 2011

Your Happiness is Important

My dear son, Jeremy, I know I say a lot of things.  My emotions have been on a roller coaster over the past 10 months.  I can’t even conceive that it has been TEN MONTHS and I have not heard a word from you.

We’re all moved in to our new home.  I think you’d love it here.  We have a game room all set up with Xbox and stuff.  Heather turned us on to a new fun board game and we all played it the other night.  Was a ton of fun.  First thought was of wishing you were here too.  I hung that charcoal pic of you up yesterday.  Finally found a place where it looks great and isn’t like a “memorial”.  I find myself putting more pics of you up because I miss you so much.  I’ve been especially sad recently.  Big house, room for extended family, gatherings and grandchildren and then I remember…..

My sentencing to hell, for my wrong doing, I suppose.  Just think, if I would never have left the Church of Scientology, (made someone mad, I should say), we’d still be a happy family!  Just saying those words makes me shake my head in disbelief & amazement!

Makes sense … if you don’t think about it!

You know though, I think my emotional roller-coaster is well grounded.  Ask any parent and they’ll tell you that losing a child would be the hardest thing for them to bear.  I completely agree.  I’d probably crumble and “lose it” if I honest-to-god believed I would never see you or hear from you ever again.  Perhaps I’m in denial, but I refuse to believe this is forever, as in death.  Some days I choke-up thinking it really might be forever.  I try not to linger on that thought for more than a  half a second, it makes me crazy.

Your sister made a valid comment a few days ago.  She was feeling especially sad and commented about missing you.  She said it’s just like you died, but in some ways it would be easier if you were dead, because at least then we’d know that it was out of your hands!  That made so much sense to me.  This way though, we know it’s your decision to not call, come over or be part of our lives.  Hell Jeremy, you’re not even on staff!!

Dang, I got all sidetracked again here, so anyway, my emotions have been on a roller coaster.  I don’t mean to spew.  I lovingly think of you at least a million times a day and move to call you at least every week, but when I sit down here to write my other emotion kicks in.  I feel so much anger at the situation.  Feels better to be angry than sad.  I can control anger.  Sad and tears are not so easy to control, so I stay away from that point.

With all that said, I do want you to know a few things.  First of all, I know how important it has always been to you to find a good “other half”.   You’ve wanted a nice girl and someone you could count on.  I’m so happy that you seem to have found what you’ve been looking for.  I know you’re happy with her and I’m betting she is happy with you.  I can certainly think of a time in my life that I would have been extremely happy for you to have a long term relationship with her.  Today, my response is bittersweet.

You and I were always there for each other, Jeremy.  I was always there for you – always – and then wham!  You meet Sarah, she is a Scientologist (just as I was waking up to the corruption of the organization) and BAM, she ends up the biggest influence in tearing you from my life.  She immediately let you know that if you wanted her then you had to disconnect from me!  Imagine that.  Jeremy, if the shoe were on the other foot, do you truly believe she would have disconnected from her mom???  Oh it’s easy for her to say she would.

You know, I think about this all the time.  Her mom has been an EX-Scn for what, 5-6-7 years now?  Divorced her executive scn husband for a non scientologist.  She was a big active scientologist for 20-some years and then poof, she no longer is.  She just disappeared from the light of the church, stopped communicating and whatever.  A covert operation of just slip out of sight.  I suppose that her ex-husband being an executive in the local church had a LOT to do with her not being declared!!  He knew what that would mean for his kids.  He probably saved her butt.

Me?  Oh, suddenly and OVER NIGHT…lol….I turned into a big Suppressive Person (SP) – no track record of out-ethics, nothing – no big ethics situations or tons of ethics handlings … nothing…… just went from being a veteran contributor to an SP in a matter of a few months!  The truth and the bottom line is I pissed off Matt Hanses and he put together a packet of COMPLETE lies about me and some dumb-ass high-up executive at “Int Mgmt” approved it.

Jeremy, my SP declare was ALL BASED ON LIES!!!  In fact, I was accused of doing what Jim had actually done.  I had not done any of it.  Get it man, I had NOT done those things.  Oh lord, Jim such an SP, you know his crime was publicly stating he was leaving the church!  OMFG.  Blow me away.

Makes sense if you don’t think about.  

Reminds of George Orwell’s book, Nineteen Eighty-Four!  

It isn’t even because I’m a bad person!  It isn’t even because I’m a scumbag and have done horrible things over my life.

Oh noooooo!

It’s because I said I was leaving the church and pissed Matt Hanses off!!  That is all.  That is the very bottom line.  

It makes me crazy that Sarah can still have her mom.  I can’t even imagine what kind of girl could ask their boyfriend to give up his mom.  So, in the end I have to evaluate the whole picture.  Who is she really?  Have we gone so far that we can’t even think for ourselves?

I love you Jeremy and you deserve to be happy.  I want you to be happy.  After all, it’s really all about your happiness, isn’t it.

LYRICS:

Everyone laughed at her joke 
As if they’d never even heard it before 
And maybe they were truly amused 
But every word that she spoke was a bore 
And maybe it’s because they had seen 
The previews on the TV screen 
Well this part is good and that’s well understood 
So you should laugh if you know what I mean 

But it’s all relative 
Even if you don’t understand 
Well it’s all understood 
Especially when you don’t understand 
Then it’s all just because 
Even if we don’t understand 
Then lets all just believe 

Everyone knows what went down 
Because the news was spread all over town 
And fact is only what you believe 
And fact and fiction work as a team 
It’s almost always fiction in the end 
That content begins to bend 
When context is never the same 

And it’s all relative 
Even if we don’t understand 
And it’s all understood 
Especially when we don’t understand 
Then it’s all just because 
Even if we don’t understand 
Then lets all just believe 

I was reading a book 
Or maybe it was a magazine 
Suggestions on where to place faith 
Suggestions on what to believe 
But I read somewhere 
That you’ve got to beware 
You can’t believe anything you read 
But the good Book is good 
And it’s all understood 
So don’t even question 
If you know what I mean 

But it’s all relative 
Even if you don’t understand 
Well it’s all understood 
Especially when you don’t understand 
And it’s all just because 
Even if we don’t understand 
Then lets all just believe 

But there you go once again 
You missed the point and then you point 
Your fingers at me 
And say that I said not to believe 
I believe 
I guess 
I guess it’s all relative 

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Your Nanny…

… Your Nanny (grandma as you liked to call her!) loves you and misses you very much.

In a lot of ways you were like her little boy.

 

When you were 8 months old your dad and I started on staff at the STL org and we were literally gone almost all the time.  We were allowed to have a 2 hour dinner for “family time” (30 mins of which we spent driving) and we got 1 day off a week.  On our day off we had to do laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking for the week – so that day off was gone really fast – we actually had very little time left over.  You spent most of your time with Nanny when you were little.  I missed you a lot, but at least I could see you sleeping in your bed every night when I came home.

 

       You and your grandma were so close and you did so many things together!  Do you remember?

 

 

 

 

You’re a young man now, but in all honesty you’re still so very young at age 20.  I’m completely sure you’ll look back in 10-15 years and realize how young you really were.

Bless your heart, you feel completely grown up now – and in so many ways you are – however when you look back with the wisdom you’ll soon have, I wonder if you’ll be happy with these life-altering decisions you have made.

Jeremy, your precious Nanny is getting a lot older now.  She will soon be 71-years old.

 

How will you ever get these years back, Jeremy?

 

 

 

 

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