Archive for June, 2011

Why Did I Do The Interview?

Just a thought here.  Thinking out loud and sharing with whomever wants to follow along with me.  I interviewed for a documentary film yesterday with Mark Bunker.  I realize that the CofS may use my interview as a tool to further alienate my son from me.  I know the things he could be told would shock and amaze him.  Why?  Because he would have to think that I have gone mad or that I really am a suppressive person.  (I can hear it now, “see Jeremy, look what she did”!)  LOL.  I am the very same person I have always been and I certainly wasn’t labeled when I was supporting the organization.

I actually had more than one reason for doing the interview but certainly the biggest was because I feel so firmly that the abusive use of the DISCONNECTION POLICY has to stop.  (Yes Tommy Davis, it DOES exist in the Church of Scientology, just ask any person who has decided to leave the church who has family or friends still “in”!)  The actual forced disconnections are happening entirely to silence and degrade the person who has decided to leave Scientology.  

My then 19-year-old son (a public) was forced by way of threat of loss, to disconnect from me and because he is afraid he’d lose his job, his apartment, his girlfriend and his eternity, he hasn’t spoken to me since October!!  This story has to be told.  People need to know this.  I am NOT going to roll over and go on in life as if this tragedy didn’t happen!  I will fight back any way I know how and believe me, fighting back is exposure.  That is my biggest reason for doing the interview.  I wish I would have said more.

You know, if I had covertly done my resignation I would have been fine.  Get this, one can just walk away covertly pretending you’re still part of it or walk away to never return and just not talk about it – and you’re “fine”.  

I say “fine”, but with exceptions.  If you have family, loved ones or friends still “in” then you will have to put up with being secretly investigated to ensure you keep your silence and never ever breathe a word as to why you just turned your back on something you supported for life!  bizarre?  You bet it is! 

My friend, I call that suppression!  It’s suppression of freedom of speech!

To have a reason big enough to turn your back on a church that you supported and defended for over 20 years and know you can never breathe a word of why you left – or your daughter will have to disconnect from you and your boss will have to let you go from his employment – omg – do you see this as true suppression or am I just nuts!?  Jeremy’s girlfriend’s mom is doing this very thing.  Her daughter doesn’t have to disconnect because she silenced herself.  Her boss doesn’t have to fire her because she will never tell why she just dropped out.  She has no freedom or rights to speak of it.  At all.

Get this, I did NOT publicly leave either.  As you may have read in my open letter (when I did speak out), I privately spoke to the ethics section and let them know what was going on with me, how I felt and that my daughter would not be working there any longer.  I will repeat, I privately spoke to the correct people in the organization regarding this, but was accused of that action being PUBLIC…….go figure.  My story at

Misuse of disconnection harms the family unit.  It harms people!!

Do I condemn all disconnection?  Absolutely not!  If “Joe” is associated with someone who is truly suppressing him, making him feel invalidated or belittled and such, then “Joe” should probably get away from such an abusive relationship by disconnecting if necessary.  If the person he is associated with is a family member then “Joe” should attempt every other way of handling it before choosing disconnection.  Now that is SANE behavior.  But for “Joe” to be told he has to disconnect just because some “authority” has “labelled” someone suppressive for leaving the church is INSANE

So I did the interview!  I honestly don’t know what the documentary will cover.  I’m not even sure I will agree with the movie, or not.  But what I’m sure of is what I said and my reasons for not staying silent.

I will interview for anyone on this subject.  I will not be suppressed by the Church of Scientology or manipulated into silence.


Your 15-yr old Brother’s “forced” Wedding

Note: This is one of those stories that you ask yourself if it could really happen in a “21st Century” Church of Scientology!  You shake your head in disbelief, however my family lived this.  What you’re about to read is the actual knowledge report that I filed regarding the situation.

Jeremy, your brother was married at 15 years old.  (I have blocked out her face and I have also changed her name as they are no longer married and she doesn’t want to be connected in any way with the CoS).  I know you never had a clue what was going on with this “child” wedding, as you were a bit too young to understand everything that was happening.  Now that you’re a man of 20 years and have chosen to desert me (and your real family) because Matt Hanses, Kevin Forney and Ellen Forney (from the CoS) say you must, you now need to know this story.  I wish to share it with everyone!

Remember, as you learn the truth of what was going on with Travis and Jane Doe that those are the very exact same set of Executives who deemed me, your little sister and step-dad to be a suppressive persons.  Course, you will have to read the whole Knowledge Report below to appreciate this statement.

Thank goodness Travis’ life has turned out good, but he was so young when he was pretty much forced into actually marrying just so he could have a relationship with the girl he loved.

The situation that went on from December 2002 until June/July 2003 was so unbelievable that I couldn’t tell it any better than to just let you read the Knowledge Report I filed regarding the whole thing.  This knowledge report was written up to the highest levels and was never acknowledged nor was Travis or Jane Doe ever apologized to for all the things that were done to them.

For folks who are not familiar with Scientology terms, I will put brief definitions in parenthesis.

All this, led up to Travis just deciding to get married and stop the bullshit…only it did NOT stop the bullshit, as you will see here.

Jeremy, I need you to realize that this all happened in the 21st century in a “modern” Church of Scientology, with highly trained OEC/FEBC Executives running the place! (This means they had the most training for running a standard, on-policy church that anyone could have).

You and Heather were so little. 🙂

June 18, 2003

To: Ethics Section STL
From: Meshell Powers, Public STL

Knowledge Report – FLAG REP STL, Amique Kelly

(Routing has been removed, as it was unnecessary for this blog)

I am writing this report because I believe the FLAG REPRESENTATIVE at the STL church is using her position in Scientology to target and harass my son and is driving him away from Scientology.  I have put time, place form and event on most incidents that have occurred since December 2002.  Even though I wanted to keep this report short, I felt it was best to actually lay it out in a time line, as it best illustrates what I am accusing here.

In October 2002 my 15 year old son, Travis, (a non Scientologist at the time) started the purification rundown as a pre-req to going to Mojave Academy (in Albuquerque, NM) as a staff member.  While doing the purif he and Jane Doe, who was 18 and on staff at the STL church, “fell in love”.  He finished his purif and went to be on staff at that school.  During this time he learned a lot about Scientology and declared that he was going to be a Scientologist too and would like to be on staff at a church too.  He came back in December for Christmas break.

Right around Christmas time, or just slightly earlier a new FLAG REP (Amique Kelly) and FLAG BANKING OFFICER (Liam Kelly) were sent to the church.

During Christmas break Travis spent a lot of time at the church.  He did a couple of courses and also just hung out.  He came home one day telling me that the FLAG REP had confronted him about he and Jane Doe having a “a relationship” (in scientology they call it a 2D).  She informed them that it was illegal for them to have a “a relationship” as Jane Doe was 18 and Travis was only 15.  I pulled strings and started asking questions.  She had made it very clear to Jane Doe that it was unacceptable behavior as she is a staff member.  The FLAG REP then confronted Travis about smoking.  (Background here is that Travis was raised by his non-Scientologist father and has been smoking since he was 10 years old).  She informed him that smoking, for a minor, was illegal.  He ended up being disrespectful with her (I forgot the full details of that comm.) and it ended up with her telling him that if he wasn’t a Scientologist then he should leave the church right now.  She has later denied saying this, but I know my son is not lying about this, as he also admits to me the wrongs he does, not just what others do.

After pulling the string and finding out exactly what was said I realized that the FLAG REP had used little or no good communication (caring and understanding) with Travis and he was very upset about the way he was being communicated to.  I got in comm with Travis and explained about PR and about the image people would have of the church if they saw him smoking etc.  He fully saw the whole picture and went into complete agreement that he shouldn’t be smoking around there and decided that he wouldn’t do it again.  This was also communicated to the FLAG REP.

The next day the FLAG REP was communicating to Jane Doe & Travis that they were breaking the law, putting the church at risk and a source of bad PR by being in “a relationship” and they needed to knock off the relationship or at least make sure their activities couldn’t be interpreted as intimate.  She informed Jane Doe that she could actually be arrested for even kissing him.  Not knowing any other data, they agreed/decided to keep the relationship “quiet” and not cause an bad PR scene for the church.  While he had no reason to doubt this most senior officer in the church, Travis was upset by this comm.  I showed him the LRH policy about “Verbal Tech Checklist” and told him he should be asking to see this in writing. (Verbal Tech Checklist is referencing a way of finding out if something is true by asking to see it in writing, reading it making sure it’s understood and question if the person writing it had the authority to write it).

When asked, the FLAG REP told him she didn’t have to show him anything in writing about that or something on that order and then said something about it being dev-T (a scientology term meaning “not my job, you’re interrupting me”).  I don’t have the exact wording here as I had to pull this data out of Travis and at the time he didn’t understand most terms being said to him as he is so new in Scientology.  All the abbreviations being used just went over his head.  The bottom line though is that she did not show him anything in writing.  I advised Travis to write a Knowledge Report about it (a Scientology organizational way of reporting outnesses), and I helped him do that.  (I later discovered, talking to the FLAG REP, that she requested that the KNOWLEDGE REPORT be removed, as she was upstat.  I would be interested to know if the KNOWLEDGE REPORT was removed or not, because as per the policy called Ethics Chits, the only person who can okay the report be removed is the person who wrote it).  I would add here that if in fact the KNOWLEDGE REPORT written on her was removed, as “she was upstat”, then there is a double standard in play here where KNOWLEDGE REPORTs were filed on Travis when he was upstat. (Upstat is a term used here to mean producing more than before and therefore valuable).

The next day, one of Jane Doe’s’s roommates, Craig, who was the Treasury Secretary at the time, wrote a KNOWLEDGE REPORT on her and Travis because Travis had been over at her house until after midnight.  In this KNOWLEDGE REPORT he stated that it was illegal and happening in his house and he was not okay with it.  First of all, for him to have this information in the first place is interesting.  It has led me to believe that the FLAG REP was black PRing or 3rd Partying Jane Doe and Travis to others.  (This means she was talking badly about them behind their backs to make others think a certain way about them). She was the only one upset and talking about it being “illegal”, then suddenly Jane Doe’s’s roommate gets this viewpoint as well.

Because of this report the FLAG REP ordered that a Separation Order against Travis and Jane Doe be issued.  When I say ordered, I don’t mean a legal written order; I mean a verbal request to the Ethics Officer. In the separation order they were ordered to be out of liability, do an admin scale and have it all approved by the Ethics Officer before it would be lifted.  This separation order announced to the whole staff that they being a “relationship” was illegal and was a potential PR flap and put the church in legal danger.

Travis and Jane Doe had made plans months earlier to go to Arkansas to see their families for Christmas (both of them are from Arkansas).  Since they had this separation order put on them, Christmas was becoming a flap that would be hard to explain to non Scientology family members.  They both got to work immediately on lower conditions and their admin scales.  (Basically this is a Scientology action that is supposed to take a person from being a bit “treasonous” to being in good standing again with the group).  Travis did the most incredible job I have ever seen on a “regular Joe’s” admin scale, and I would like to attach it, but it isn’t relevant.  It was quite impressive (although the one he threw together for the Ethics Officer was just thrown together).  The Ethics Officer came over to our house late the night before they had to leave for Arkansas to approve the admin scales.  They both had gotten more than half of the signatures they needed to come out of liability.  The Ethics Officer congratulated them and said the order was lifted and they could go have Christmas.

When they returned from Christmas and went back in the church things got bad again.  The FLAG REP talked to either Travis, Jane Doe or both of them, & the Ethics Officer and said that the Separation Order was not lifted until there was an issue published publicly in the church saying so and that she would not allow the seal to be put on the rescinding order until Travis stopped smoking completely (which had nothing to do with the Separation Order in the first place).   Then she told the Ethics Officer that their liability couldn’t be considered finished until all staff members had signed either approved or disapproved.  This posed a problem as many staff were on leave for the holiday.  The FLAG REP told Mark that this wasn’t her problem and they had to get the signatures.  I am not sure how Mark handled this but it did turn out that this wasn’t’ enforced for more than a day or so (as it is an arbitrary and not a correct interpretation of the formula).

I decided I wasn’t going to be quiet anymore.  I told Travis that this was NOT a standard ethics handling and it was getting out of control.  I “apologized” for it and explained that Mark was very new to post and staff.  I was totally embarrassed by this cycle.  I let him know that the odd things the FLAG REP was saying were incorrect and I was getting involved at this point.

I took Travis to the police station and talked to them about the legality of this “relationship”.  It turned out that it was NOT illegal, as in the state of Missouri the older party would have to be at least 21 and the younger one 14 or younger.  We found the laws on the Internet and Travis took this to the church.  The FLAG REP said that something printed off of the Internet was not good enough for her; she said it could have been written by anyone.  She said Travis would need an actual copy of the actual law.  So, I got a copy of the law – from the police department – and Travis took it to the Ethics Officer.  He agreed that the order should be lifted, but the FLAG REP was now saying that it couldn’t be lifted until Travis had completely quit smoking.  And not smoking at the church or around the church was not good enough.

The whole point here is that they were being hit with ethics for something that was FALSELY reported as an illegal “relationship” activity and legal issue for the church.  The FLAG REP wrote false reports on them as well as gave verbally false reports to other staff about this.  Then, harsh ethics actions were then taken on them as a result.   The Ethics Officer, being a fairly new staff member himself, had confidence that the FLAG REP, being a Sea Org member, a senior exec etc, knew what she was doing.

Travis just wanted the order lifted and told them he was quitting smoking.  He really did try to quit but it was an enforced reality for him and wasn’t being done on his own determinism and he failed at quitting.  He only had a couple days left of his Christmas break and he just stayed away from the church completely.

By the New Years Eve party the order was lifted.  I am not sure, but fairly sure that it wasn’t announced in the rescinding order that it had been false that they were putting the church at risk and false that they were breaking the law.  I find this to be odd, as staff still have the false data.

Travis left for NM on the 3rd of January 2003.

Travis came back from NM and he and Jane Doe were married on March 23, 2003.  He turned 16 on April 2, 2003.  He got his driver’s license nearly right away.

Just after Travis turned 16, Steven Levine and Mariam started recruiting him for staff.  He decided he would join staff as he was volunteering time any way and he had truly learned a lot about Scientology and agreed with it.

In April Travis began borrowing Mike James’ (the Estate Mgr STL) car occasionally so he could be sure to be on time for work at his daytime job.  Within a week the FLAG BANKING OFFICER (the FLAG REP’s husband) starting reporting that it was illegal for Travis to be driving Mike’s car.  He took this to the DSA (Director of Special Affairs), saying that Travis doesn’t have insurance.

This is Missouri and the FLAG BANKING OFFICER is from California and the laws may be different there, but in Missouri that data is false.  Missouri insures cars, not people.  I worked with an insurance agent for a few months and I learned a lot about such things.  So, if a licensed driver is driving someone else’s car, the person driving the car is covered by that car’s insurance, and they are covered in the exact same way the owner of the vehicle is covered and no more or no less.  This is insurance law of the state and not individual insurance company’s law.  Now if the owner of the vehicle has a specific clause on his policy not allowing a certain person(s) to drive the vehicle, then this is different.  This is usually done in the case of a family where the parents don’t want to pay higher policy rates just because they have driving age teenagers in the family home and the policy then states that these drivers aren’t covered.

Once again Travis was falsely accused of breaking the law and no law or anything in writing was produced to make it true.  This did not turn into anything as Travis just went immediately into apathy on it and we handled getting him a car of his own.

Things were quiet for a little while, and then Travis told me that he was confronted by the FLAG REP in the course room.  She said she could smell cigarettes on his clothes and asked him if he was smoking again.  He told her he was.  She said she would be making sure he was dismissed from staff if he didn’t stop smoking immediately.  He told her he was not breaking the law and she said he had 24 hrs to produce evidence that he was not breaking any law by smoking cigarettes or he would be dismissed.  I helped him with this.  First he searched the Internet for a couple hours trying to find laws.  I called the University City Police Department.  I talked to Captain Ransom who assured me that it was NOT illegal for Travis to smoke but only illegal to purchase cigarettes or to sell cigarettes to minors.  Travis delivered copies of these laws (as furnished to him by the local police department) to the FLAG REP and DSA.   A couple days later the FLAG REP came to Travis and demanded that he come with her.  He got disrespectful and “smart mouthed” with her and refused to go with her.  She indicated that she now had copies of laws indicating that it was illegal for him to possess cigarettes.  She showed him something that she had printed off of the Internet!  Remember that previously when Travis took her copies of laws he printed off the Internet she said it wasn’t acceptable, as anyone could have written it.  But this time she accepted what she printed off the Internet as it fit her needs.  This is a double standard.

At this point I would like to add data that is pertinent.  I want to line out why I believe this is really a situation where the FLAG REP is targeting Travis, nit picking and trying to “be right” at the expense of a totally willing staff member.  This data can be verified by any police officer of any state.  Laws that are on the books stay on the books, even if they are no longer enforced and even if they no longer apply.  They are referred to as archaic laws, and they are still laws, but nobody would actually be arrested for breaking one.  For instance, there are laws prohibiting motorcars on certain roads as they scare the horses pulling the buggies.  These laws are still laws.  The FLAG REP told Travis that “Scientologists follow the laws of the land”, and I agree with that.  But do we follow the laws just because they are the laws, and even the ones that aren’t enforced or are archaic?  I don’t and I don’t think others do.  Our local police said they do not enforce that minors get in trouble for possessing cigarettes.  They have no interest in it.  The Cope Officer said that they said it was a weird scene in which an officer could give one a ticket for possession of cigarettes, as the law does exist on the books, but it wasn’t likely.  Ok, an officer could give you a ticket for driving your motorcar on “blah blah” street too, as that law does still exist.  It doesn’t make sense that it puts the church at risk though.  Nor does Travis’ smoking put the church at risk.

She says he could get a ticket for smoking.  It is just as possible that someone else on staff could get a speeding ticket.  They would simply pay the speeding ticket.  It is more likely that someone will get a speeding ticket (breaking a law that is enforced) then Travis would get a ticket for possessing/smoking cigarettes (a law they admit to not enforcing).

In all fairness, Travis had already agreed that him being seen smoking outside the church by new public would be bad PR.  He agreed to keep that PR in.  The FLAG REP said that that was not good enough and that he must quit.  She went on to state that someone could see him smoking somewhere in public and it would be bad PR.  This totally appears to be being used to make her “right”.

Completely on the side and pure comment in the area of “bad PR” and seeming to be a double standard, I would like to point out that I have seen at least three very degraded vehicles (staff cars) in the parking lot of the church.  These autos were banged up and in horrible shape.  That in itself wasn’t the bad PR as much as the huge bumper sticker on these three cars that says “Scientology 314-727-3747”.

The FLAG REP told Travis that since he wasn’t going to quit smoking he would be being dismissed from staff.  This was a flap and it pulled the Executive Director and Hubbard Executive Secretary (ED & HES) into the whole thing, as they were interested in keeping a willing staff member.  Good comm was used and they cleaned up the communication for Travis and he agreed to stop having to be right and agree to just let the FLAG REP be right.  Travis actually has quit smoking for the last few days – completely on his own determinism and having nothing to do with whether or not he would be dismissed.

It can’t go unmentioned that Travis is being heavily chastised for talking to me about what is happening with him at the church also.

The final straw came and I finally stopped just helping Travis and I went to the church at the point the FLAG REP demanded that Travis get a Court of Ethics (a disciplinary/justice action).  She convinced the Ethics Officer why it was right that Travis get a Court and it was issued.

The Ethics Officer, Mark D, informed Travis that he was ordering a Court of Ethics on him.  Travis told him that he had been upstat for the last two weeks and was already upstat again this week.  The Court was held anyway, on 16 June 2003.  During the Court, Travis brought up that he was upstat and that he had Ethics Protection and that Ethics couldn’t touch him and that it is wrong to penalize an upstat.  Marshall B (Deputy/Executive Director), who was the convening authority, told him that he was not “very” upstat.  HCO PL 5 May 1971RA READING STATISTICS says  “A rise is a rise. They at least got more. Now, better organizing, they will get even more than that.  Week by week it goes up”.

This was the final straw for me and I have gotten all over the lines, as can be seen by this report.  Travis has been being attacked with false reports by the FLAG REP since she got to this church.  Travis is just a brand new Scientologist and staff member wherein she is one of the so-called “prestigious Sea Org members” who are HIGHLY respected.  He sees her writing false reports and getting him hit with all sorts of ethics actions based on false reports, and now is completely determined to have him dismissed from staff.  I will say that Travis has been very disrespectful speaking to her in the last few days, which isn’t okay, but the reference that comes to mind is HCO PL, ETHICS PRESENCE.  Travis hasn’t been so attacked ever, and to have it be allowed to happen in the Church of Scientology is not okay.  Even having his stats up didn’t protect him like LRH said it would.

I went to talk to the Cope Off last night because of the craziness of this scene and how out of hand it is and sometime later the FLAG REP, FLAG BANKING OFFICER and LRH COMM took Travis into an office and heavily chastised him again for talking to me.

I’m his mom and he is only 16, even though he is married he doesn’t know many policies and I feel he needs help and in fact needs the correct policy to protect him from the FLAG REP as it is obvious she has a games condition and she is using her position to win the game between him and her.  If these handlings and actions being taken against Travis were on-policy and correct she wouldn’t have “shore flaps” (as I am called for getting involved) as I wouldn’t flap if on-policy actions were all she were taking.  It seems she is very upset that he talks to me, because I have gotten on the lines two times.

Last night the FLAG REP told Travis that she had more ethics power in this church than anyone else there – that statement must have pushed him into complete apathy about any justice prevailing.  That is my opinion.   And, I don’t know if there is other policy dated later or not, but HCO PL 29 Dec 1971RB, FLAG REP, PURPOSE OF, states “The communication and command lines of a Flag Rep are parallel to the communication and command line of the org or CLO”.  There is a specific line of command as laid out by LRH.  The Executive Director of an church doesn’t bypass all the seniors in a chain of command and go down to give verbal orders and threats to junior posts, and if the FLAG REP is equal to the Executive Director then I assume her command channels would be the same, excepting when she is getting compliance to a specific program targets.

All senior executives at the church here in STL have stood by and allowed all this to happen.

This is my report and I wish I had been writing up a report every time an outness occurred, as perhaps it wouldn’t have gotten this bad.  I just didn’t think things would be allowed to go this far.

This is True,
Meshell Powers

2003 Such a Happy Boy!

When you were 12 you laughed and played almost all the time.  This is the year we put braces on your teeth.  It wasn’t an easy year for our family as we had some major financial troubles during this time.  Your dad wasn’t working and where I had been working at the local “scientology” private school, I had to quit there and get a job for awhile.  I started homeschooling you and Heather.  What a year this was!

You had a very “slim” birthday this year.  We bought you things from the dollar store and made you cake.  The party was just us family because Nanny was working at the “org”.

You seemed happy about your little gifts, I don’t know if you really were, but you sure wouldn’t have let on that you weren’t.  The gifts were tokens of love only.  I’m cracking up right now, because I still have that hair gel that you got.   Do you see that pink bottle of hair gel on the table?

Do you remember much?

When your dads birthday came you had a blast.  I remember how you wanted to surprise him and things had to be just perfect.  It was adorable to watch.  I made a pot of spaghetti and you pulled out the nice china.  You wanted the table to be extra special, so you put a sheet on it for a table cloth and I think you even lit the candles!  Looking at this photo I can tell he got birthday “coupons” and I’m not sure what’s in the recycled gift bags but I’m sure the cards were full of love.

You and Heather, with the help of her friend, made dad his cake.  OMG, you all were so excited about it.

Isn’t the cake adorable.  I know you kids really spent a lot of time getting the decorations just right.

You just couldn’t wait until he got home.  This was such a special moment for you.

We got smokey this year. Nice cat, she loved to play with you.  I swear you could come up with so many ways to play with her.  Gosh, this reminds of me of the cat mansion you made for Saber out of boxes.  LOL, so creative, but you know it took all the tape in the entire house to make it.

Your brother, Travis, got married this year.  Long story there, and I will tell it in another post – because he was married at 15 years old as a direct result in off policy actions being harshly applied to him at the local org.

This is the year you decided you’d like to join the Sea Org in Scientology.  Things were pretty tough on you at home because you and your dad seemed to fight almost all the time so we decided you could join if your testing was good enough.

It seems your testing was good enough and you were whisked away so fast it made our heads spin!!  Since you had just gotten into braces I was worried about how you would continue your treatment and I was assured it would be all taken care of as would your schooling.  Very senior Sea Org members assured me all this would be fine.  I later found out that none of it was done.  Apparently there was not any real supervision or “mother” to ensure it was done.  You ended up staying out there only a couple months and you were sent home.  I know you remember the circumstances of that and I am not going to publicize this event.  But let’s just say you were not welcome to stay out there.

I was sad about the reason you were being sent home, but believe me, I was so happy to have you home again.  Since your dad had been working again, I was home schooling Heather again and we just started you back to home schooling too.  We worked straight through the summer to catch you up.

I took you kids on field trips and one of them was to Grants Farm.  You and Heather got to bottle feed the goats and you guys loved that.  It was hard to pull you away from there so we could see the rest of the place.  Pretty neat place especially getting to see the Anheiser Busch Clydesdales!!  They are huge.

LOL, You had just came back from Flag.  You had lost quite a bit of weight while you were gone.  Look at you with arms all crossed there.

By the time Heather’s birthday rolled around, times were tough again.  Your daddy was between jobs and we had to figure out how to have a birthday for her.

The bright idea was birthday coupons – promising her things she could get later.  Her cake was some dollar store cookies!  I don’t know if you remember or not, but Heather was such a big girl about this.  Bless her heart.

Both of you were such heroes when times were hard.

Christmas was certainly full of love this year, but on the slight side.  Heather made an awesome ginger bread christmas house and you ate as much of it as you could!

You were such a happy boy.  I loved your smile and your laugh.  My god you were creative and man did you make a mess creating stuff too!  You hated a clean bedroom – it had to be a mess or you just couldn’t stand it!  Course, I couldn’t stand it a mess;)

Well, I hope you enjoyed a fast recap of  your 2003!  I miss having you around smiling, joking, sharing your art work and telling me about your life.

I remember when you were about 3 years old and you would give us a big giant FAKE smile for the pic and you’d say, “I’m mile’n, I’m mile’n” , we laughed so hard we cried.  I hope very soon I will see your smile again.

Here is what I looked like back then, in case you forgot!  

Love Always,
Your Mom

Jeremy, we’re moving…

… and you need to know how to find me!  Jeremy you should always know where your mom & dad are.  I feel very odd moving away from this apartment because at least I know if you need me you know where I am.  I can’t say you have a clue what my phone number is, but at least you know where I live, but if I move, you don’t know and that bothers me!

Heck, I have no idea if you’ll ever even find this blog or read it.  I really hope you do.
I mock up images of you finally deciding to come and see us, maybe for the holidays and someone else lives here and you have no idea how to find me.  LOL, course that is stupid because hopefully you’d call your dad and find out how to get a hold of us.  Hopefully you always have that option, too.

So moving freaks me out a bit.  I have dreams about you coming back, a lot of dreams.

The good news is going in with Nanny to buy a nice home in Saint Peters.  One can get a lot more house for a lot less the cost over in St. Charles county.  Long story, but here’s the short version, we are all going to be moving in together again so we can help take care of her as she gets older.  She loves to cook and we get lucky there! 😉  The bad news is, if you go to your Nanny’s house, she won’t live there anymore either!

We will be moved by the 1st of July.  My phone number will always be the same – 314-558-2308.  I don’t want to publish our new address on this blog, but call me and I’ll give you our address.  We will always have room for you.  One day you will know the incredible love a parent has for his child…and believe me, it’s not something you can imagine.  I only hope that when that day comes, you have returned to our family so I can love my grandchildren!
May the day come when you realize that no religion has the right to dictate to you to disconnect from those who have always loved you, treated you with respect, love and kindness and have never done wrong to you.  No religion has the right to tell you that if you don’t disconnect, then they’ll desert you.

Ahhhh, but Church of Scientology does.  Sorry, I’m quite bitter about it these days.

I love you and I always will.
Love, Mom

Your Sister, An Amazing Being!

I have so much news for you Jeremy, and so much I would like sit down and visit with you about.
I thought I’d tell you a bit about your baby sister, Heather, now.

She is doing well these days working part-time at Bandanas Bar-B-Q as a hostess and was just recently hired at  Walgreens as a “beauty consultant”!  Job security, heck there’s a Walgreens on every corner and with the way this population eats and regards health, she will have a job for a long time if she wants it! 

Just recently she is finally starting to make a bit of money working part-time at both places.  She loves her jobs and the people she works with and it appears they love her too because she’s treated well at both places. 
I’m so proud of her!  Your sister is a very ethical and moral being, who is a loyal friend and employee.  Can’task for much more can you?  It’s nice to see, because this inner beauty is fading out of society, as you may notice.

It’s odd and good at the same time, but do you know she hasn’t been sick once since last June?  Amazing!  Seems she was sick almost all the time when she was on staff.  I had no idea what the hell was going on with her back then, she seemed to come down with everything from mono to having no voice and I mean a lot.  She’s been amazingly well since then.  OMG, it must be all the good vitamins and healthy food she consumes.  NOT!!  LOL, I can’t get her to remember her vits.  Healthy food??  Right!  Not now that she has her own money. 😉

She’s been driving almost a year now!  We are selling her our car (at half price) so she has her own vehicle.  It will make an awesome trade-in on the car of her dreams soon.  She hasn’t had any wrecks, and I don’t expect she ever will, but she did back into a $2800 pole a few months back! 😉  Costs a ton to fix a dent these days.

Jeremy, you have an absolutely beautiful sister, at least I think she is.  It’s been a long time since you’ve see her.  She really misses you and tried hard to talk to you when she was having such a hard time emotionally dealing with her (your) dad’s brain cancer.  Knowing you would have no way of knowing how serious the situation was, she tried every way she could to get the word to you that he was not doing well.  She wanted you both to support each other and hold strong as a family during this trying time.  Finally when she did get you on the phone, via calling you from a friends phone, you wouldn’t listen to her.  You just quickly told her that you couldn’t talk to her and hung up on her.  It seems you then changed your phone number.  Jeremy, I’m sure you wouldn’t be thrown out of your church for your sister getting in touch with you to tell you your dad was in serious condition.  She was sad and hurt that you seem to hate us so much that you would hang up on her when she had something so important to tell you.

I’d like to give you all the glamour and funsy stuff and nothing else, but then that would just be one sided and hardly true, wouldn’t it?  Truth is, Heather isn’t as happy as you are with this arrangement.  You guys were really close and always had each other – even to just argue with – and now there’s this empty hole in her life, without you.  Family gatherings are a cruel & harsh reminder that we are torn apart.  Christmas this past year was sad and a bit weirdly quiet.  Just a glaring reminder.  It’s not pleasant, but I think these days she has put a hard shell around her heart regarding you.  I’m sad to see this, but it’s how she feels she can deal with it.  Pretend it doesn’t matter at all and tell everyone “so what”.  These days she doesn’t get sad when we talk about you, she gets pissed.  Every day that passes she gets more and more bitter toward you and I hate this.

I honestly believe that if I were in your boots, over time I would become bitter toward those who gave me no choice but to desert my loving family while they all have theirs!  They get to see their sister on their birthday.  They get to see their momma on Mother’s Day.  They get to have Christmas/Holiday gatherings with all of their families, if they choose.  Those same people are the ones who feel you’re better off not having your family.  The family that has never ever done you any harm – ever.  The family who stood by you through all of your “situations”.  Family (us) are forever, Jeremy.  We will always and forever be there for you, no matter what happens in life.  Those that advise you to betray the love of your mom and sister may not always be with you.  That is just the way it is.

Heather is your baby sister, the one you protected so much as a child!  She is no more a suppressive person than you are and I know you know this.  She needs you now and I hope you realize it before damage is irreversible.

I’m sorry, Jeremy.  I really intended to just give you news about Heather and tell you how she is doing in life.  When I began I didn’t intend to go into any of this, but it is just what it is.  No matter how many happy thoughts we have, we also have reality of the way things are.

Have you heard any news about us?
Do you know if we’re doing well or not?
Do you ask?
Do you wonder?

Do you know I love you, no matter what?

Travis steps up to the plate

Jeremy, your brother has really helped me through these trying few months.  Even though he lives almost 400 miles away, he has stepped up to plate to take up the slack. 🙂  He calls me almost everyday and spends time with me on the phone.  I feel completely loved by him.  Him and Jim have developed a fun relationship…..yeah, they play online vidoe games together whenever they get a chance.

He got a brand new 2011 Camero – it’s a nice car and he is quite proud it.  He came up here right after he got it and took us all running around.  Here’s some pics.  We had a really good time.

He is getting a divorce.  Times are changing for him.  He really tried to be your friend through this whole thing but said you won’t return his calls, emails or Facebook messages.  I’m sorry you felt it necessary to hurt so many people.  (Course, he doesn’t feel hurt by you, he just shakes his head in “wonder” about what is happening).

I saw him recently when I went to my 30 year class reunion in Sallisaw, Oklahoma.  Funny,  I came into town and he was working out of town, like that time you went there with Heather and I.  He was working 3 hours away, but he drove in on Friday night and came to see me at the hotel for a few minutes.  He was very tired, but I was so full of love and emotion that I got to see him!!!

I think he is coming again in July.  I hope so anyway.

Ok, well I’m out of here for now.  Need to go eat watermelon and watch a few minutes of TV…LOL.  Yep.  I’ve been packing all evening and I’m wiped.

Oh – that is another subject, we’re moving.

Miss you. Good night.

Not a day goes by . . .

…. that I don’t think of Jeremy.  I miss him.  Some days I blame HIM for the pain, as he is the one who decided to desert his entire family.  Some days I blame the Church of Scientology for forcing him to choose his family or the church.  Most days I just think of him.

It has been just over 7 long months since I heard anything from him.

I wonder if he really just doesn’t care and doesn’t think of me, his sister or his nanny anymore.

His dad has brain cancer now.  Grade 4.  Not a good deal.  Jeremy seems disconnected from him too.  I don’t understand.

It makes no sense how he could do this.  Heather can’t even talk about him, she is very hurt.

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