My Jeremy is Home – to Stay!

281859_10204453774094394_8956179960832412669_n2NOTE:  I wrote this post back a few months ago and I didn’t publish it until now.  I guess there are many reasons, but mostly because my attention was off of it and my life full of sorting out what had happened in our lives over the past 4 years – and sharing the joys (and challenges) of having my family back together again.

Miracles do happen!  On July 3rd, 2014 I hugged my boy again after 3 years and 8 months.    It was an indescribably moment.  The story that follows recounts that unfolding and there is more to come, because Jeremy has things to say as well.

I realize this is old news to my family, close friends and Tony Ortega followers, but I had to put off writing about it until I was at a point where I wasn’t quite as emotional.  Over the last few months I’ve been spending as much time as possible just being with him, trying not to suffocate the poor boy, correction, he’s a 23-year-old young man now.

Honestly, this is a bittersweet “win” because in this situation there is someone else whose heart is broken, and that’s his wife, Sarah.  My heart breaks for her like words can’t describe because I know she was crazy in love with Jeremy.

On July 17th, 2013 I wrote a post, I was referring to Jeremy and Sarah, and this is part of what it said:

Mark my words, because I’m willing to lay down money that this forced disconnection will slowly erode his happiness and she will slowly lose the beautiful essence of Jeremy over time!  I know my boy, and it has to be depressing to him and as he grows more mature he will feel the void more than ever.

Jeremy has always been a tender and loving son and ironically I’m completely positive that ultimately it will be Sarah who will lose that beautiful part of Jeremy — because no matter what the Church of Scientology preaches, BLOOD IS THICKER and FAMILY is IMPORTANT!

I just can’t tell you how sad I am for Sarah, but I know in this scenario there are “losers”.  Scientology is not a game where everyone wins. It was as I predicted, she started losing the beautiful essence of Jeremy from the first year and it took almost four years for Jeremy to become so completely depressed that often times he thought the only way out was to “reset” (to put it mildly).  He said he always put on a front of happiness but he was so horribly depressed inside that he felt hollow.

On June 27th I was sitting in a nail salon – 400 miles away from St. Louis – with my daughter-in-law, Brittany, when a text came in, but I didn’t see that text for almost an hour and a half – it was from Jeremy!  It literally took my breath away and I was scared to read it, and excited beyond words, yet it caused me to freeze and just sit there staring at my phone in disbelief.  I was afraid of what I might read.  See, I’ve had Jeremy’s cell phone number since his father passed away and I just kept the number just in case there was ever a very important reason I needed to reach him, so when his text came in it said it was from “JEREMY” – I was extremely excited and yet afraid.

At 4:36 pm he simply said “Hello”, then 4 minutes later he said, “I’ve started this. So there’s no going back now”.  I didn’t see this text come in because I was getting my nails done, as well as he had texted me using my Google Voice phone number (published on this blog) and I don’t have an alert sound set up for that number.

When I read the text I immediately froze, In fact, I’m sure my heart wasn’t even beating!  I just stared at it and must have re-read it fifteen times in shock, but more, wondering if, and hoping beyond your wildest imagination that it was really him.  Sadly it was over an hour later when I saw his messages to me.  How could I have missed the most important text of my life!!!

After getting a grip on it, I wrote at least four different responses, deleting each one, thinking what if he changed his mind and this was my one shot to say the most important thing to him.  Realizing it certainly might be, I finally responded with the most powerful message I felt I could give him, “OMG, I love you”.  And I waited an eternity for him to respond back (hey, it was a FULL 3 minutes of holding my breath and waiting for him to write again)!  No answer so I asked him to “talk to me”.

My heart was in my chest at this point and it was certainly beating now, course I was holding my breath, waiting for his answer….but why wasn’t he answering me?  It was at this point I screen shot his message and sent it to Heather and Jim – to see what they thought.  Heather said it was cruel joke and someone was messing with me, while Jim’s advice to me was to not “blow up the comm line”, just give him time to get back to me.  So there I was waiting, wondering, and numb – staring at my phone until I couldn’t stand it any longer and twenty minutes later sent him another message, thinking that it might not be him – “If you are not Jeremy, I’m sorry I have misunderstood. Talk to me please”.

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On the outside I was composed and normal, but that is not what I was feeling on the inside, because I was losing my composure and felt like I was going to throw up…….why was he not answering me!  Finally over 30 minutes later I heard from him again,  all he said was he was at a wedding and we’d talk soon, but it was the most beautiful feeling to me and even though I wanted to say a million billion things to him, I settled with acknowledging him and waiting.

I waited, and waited and hyperventilated and waited for fourteen eternities until, over an hour later he sent me a message that calmed my soul down, he typed, “Love you too”.  This time I was overwhelmed with emotion as tears filled my eyes and I felt like dancing around the room, kissing & hugging everyone in my vicinity!

 

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I quickly responded to him, letting him know how I felt – still worrying deep down that this might be a short lived reunion, uncertain of anything at this point.  I told him that my heart was racing, that I loved him dearly and hoped so much that he was happy, yet I prayed it wasn’t a cruel prank but after I didn’t hear from him, nearly 10 minutes later I told him that I was sure it was my Jeremy and that I loved him so much and missed him every day of my life!  He responded, “it’s me”  and assured me again that he loved me.

 

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I think everything in my world was stopped.  By this time I had my other son, Travis, his wife Brittany and my two awesome grand kids with me, sharing in my moment.  We were at Pizza Parlor ordering food and I swear I don’t have any recollection of my environment at all.

Then he called me and my signal was weak and I missed the call!!!   We were about to eat pizza when my phone started playing the song, I’m Coming Home”!!!   Immediate tears for me.  This was a moment of massive emotional release for me because it was the ringtone I had set for his number – the lyrics of the part of the song that I love are: “I’m coming home, I’m coming home, tell the world that I’m coming home, Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday, I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes, I’m coming home, I’m coming home, tell the world I’m coming”.  It was Jeremy.  After nearly 4 long years my Jeremy was calling me.  Oh my god. There just aren’t words to describe this feeling.  Massive love, happiness mixed solidly with fear and apprehension because I had no idea how fleeting this contact might be.

The first thing he said to me was, “Mom, I think I’m going to need your help real soon because I’m in too deep”, at first I didn’t understand and he added that everything around him was Scientology (his job, his wife, his home and everything) and he had to leave the situation but all he would have would be his computer and his heart.

As we talked he told me that he had so much regret and was so sorry for all the pain he caused the family and asked how the family felt about him – I assured him that we all loved him very much.   I told him the most important thing to me was that he be happy.   I asked him how he could leave now that he was married and he said he’d have to leave Sarah.  I remember talking to him about just keeping a secret connection with me and his family so he didn’t have to walk out of his marriage, but he assured me he couldn’t fake happiness any longer and he wanted to be himself, not a secret existence.  He told me he had not been truly happy since he left and that it had come to the point that the depression was literally killing him.  He told me the only way he made it this long was to just stop ALL emotions and thoughts.

During this first conversation he said he dearly wanted the Bridge (all the promised gains) but no church “handlings” done for his loss of his family had worked because it never truly handled the real problem, he still couldn’t have his family and deep inside he never believed that we true SP’s (Scientology’s term for “evil people”).

He told me that Sarah was a super family person and expected him to come with her to all her family things and wanted him to be happy with her family and it seemed she had no reality with how sad he was that he couldn’t have his family!  He said that he had no idea why he went ahead with the marriage except that he had finally became numb and robotic, due to suppressing his true emotions and after the wedding the hard solid facts of the reality of where he was set in and started suffocating him.

I just couldn’t understand, because I know Sarah is crazy about Jeremy and I thought he loved her to pieces as well, so I asked him if he loved her and he said “not this much”.  I truly understood what he meant, because in order to love her he had to lose everyone in his own family so I began talking to him about the possibility that she would come with him and he said there was absolutely no way he could even ask her to do what he couldn’t do – leave her family.

He said he had thought it through completely and there was no other possible solution except to end it all and leave.

I said earlier, I was visiting my son Travis & his wife, Brittany in Arkansas when all this was going on and I was able to share these first moments with them.  They were super excited about it and Travis even got to talk to him a few minutes over the speaker phone.  We live so far apart that I don’t get to see them but a couple times a year, but they were still so happy for me and happily shared “their time” with Jeremy.

Later that night Jeremy and I talked over the phone three or four more times and I determined that his decision was indeed final and it was clear that he had to leave the situation.  Of course I was extremely happy, I can’t even tell you how happy because there aren’t words that I can describe it with, but there was also intense fear that he would change his mind at any moment or that Sarah would find out and pull him into the org (Scientology “church”) where he’d have to go through “handlings” and have people in his face telling him that he was going to to hell (Scientology’s real words are that his eternity will be in oblivion).  I was just so worried that something might change things before I could get back home and help him get out – remember I was 400 miles away and not due to come back home for almost a week!

When your child tells you that they have been so depressed that they had starting thinking the only solution was a tall building you “get it” real fast.  My Jeremy was so close to a really bad solution (suicide) and I’m so grateful he knew we would be there for him, or at least had the courage to ask.

Had he been reading the blog?  Sadly, to me, he had not been reading it.  He had been keeping himself in a state of numbness and reading the blog would have broken that down and I’m sure he knew that.  He knew it existed though, because when I started the blog he got called into the org and told not to read it.  This is hilariously comical that the org’s head of the department of special affairs actually informed him of my blog and warned him that for his own safety he should not read it!  WTF?  But, thanks Ellen, because had you not told him it was there he might not have had a way to figure out how to find me.  I found out that he went to the blog that day to find out how to contact me!  Thank god I had plastered it with my contact information!

He and I stayed up until 2:30 in the morning talking and then he stayed up the rest of the that night reading the blog.  He talked to me about some of my posts the next day and laughed at me for the one where I said I hated him that day.

The next morning I called my mom, who was at her sister’s house about 25 miles from me, to tell her the amazing news.  After I told her everything that was going on I broke down and cried harder than I remember crying in 37 years.  I sobbed with joy but mostly the release all the pent up tears of these last 4 years, releasing the fear that I would never see him again.  There is nothing to describe the emotional release I had, but thankfully Mom talked reason to me and I got myself together when she reminded me that we had portraits scheduled for the afternoon (five generation portraits with Travis, his kids, Mom and my 92-year-old grandmother) and I didn’t need to have red swollen eyes.

Honestly, I barely made it through that week and the closer it got, the more nervous I was.  Jeremy talked to me a lot about plans on how to get him out of the situation the easiest and cleanest.  I remained careful to to ensure that Jeremy called the shots and that I didn’t say things would sway him from his own determinism, and yet mostly I needed to know he was firm in his decision.  I made sure he knew that I could live with it if he did change his mind, but that I didn’t want him to.  I’m not sure where that came from, but I felt it was important for him to be in total control of the next few moves.

More than anything he didn’t want Sarah to have to go through the loss all alone and many ideas of how to do it best were talked about but the facts were that he needed to do it in such a way that there was no possibility that “handlers” could be called in or anything could happen to stop him.  So he decided to just have all his stuff moved out and be there when she came home where he would be able to tell her in person why he was leaving, as he felt she deserved that much respect.  In ordinary circumstances he might have been able to just sit down and discuss it all with her and let her know he had to leave, then pack and go, but when you add Scientology to the mix it becomes much stickier. Much stickier!

So the plan was for me to come and move him out and then wait outside while he talked to her and told her he had to leave.  Isn’t this ironic?  I’m remembering how he left ME that day, nearly 4 years earlier.  Sarah was waiting out in the vehicle and told him it shouldn’t take over 10 minutes to come in and tell me he was disconnecting from me and leave.  I know she must have been panicked that he might stay too long and be talked out of it!

Funny, I remember the very last words I said to him that day, “Jeremy, I don’t know how you’ll ever be able to make up this damage”.  I regretted saying those words to him, over and over they rang through my head over the years and I wished I could take them back – but it’s all over now.  I just find it so ironic that we were about to do the same thing back to Sarah.  How heartless it was.

I finally arrived back in town then Jim and I headed straight over to pick him up – and I swear Jim just couldn’t drive fast enough to satisfy me!  The idea that I was going to get to hug my baby again had my heart racing and the emotions were over the top.  I remember driving down the street he lived on and seeing him standing on his porch as we drove past his house.  Jim had to turn around and come back – you would never believe how slow he was at turning around and driving back (and why he hell was he fumbling with his phone anyway!?) – and I was sure that I was going to jump out of the vehicle and run up to the porch before he finally got parked in the driveway.  Turns out Jim was trying to get his video rolling on his phone so he could video the reunion!  Funny, that was the furthest thing from my mind but how awesome was that?

We finally pulled into the driveway and Jeremy literally ran from the porch, pulled my car door open and I was only half way out of the car before we were holding on to each other for dear life.  I held on to him, he held on to me, finally all the dreams I’d had of hugging my boy again came true and it was better than any dream!  Happiness, elation, love……how do you describe it?

If you’re reading this from your phone or email, sometimes the video doesn’t show so you can CLICK HERE to see the YouTube video of our reunion if it isn’t showing below.

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So even though the plan was to for him to wait for her to come home and tell her in person, he ultimately decided that it would not be good to have her at the house, alone, and then him leave her.  Bless his caring heart, he knew she would not do well like that, so he made the decision to get all moved to our home then just call her at work to tell her before it was time to get off so she would have her family and friends with her and they could help her, even it were to just just convince her how horrible he was!  See, my Jeremy has such a tender and loving heart, I can’t even imagine him going through these past 4 years being numb to his emotions.

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Again, if you’re reading this from your phone or email, sometimes the video doesn’t show so you can CLICK HERE to see the YouTube video of Jeremy & Heather’s reunion (brother & sister), if the video isn’t showing below.

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Later, after we got him all settled in to his new room and after many hugs & kisses – he got a call from Sarah, who was still at work.  It was time for that tough conversation that he’d been dreading and just as I figured, it broke her heart into a million pieces.  She had a really hard time with the conversation but Jeremy was finally able to make her understand how it just could never continue this way and neither could he ever expect her to leave her family – and logically it had nowhere to go but end, since he wasn’t willing to be depressed, sad and emotionally dead any more just to be allowed to be with her and in good graces with Scientology.

That was a Thursday and by early Saturday morning a courier arrived at our house with divorce papers and the remainder of Jeremy’s belongings.  It appeared that Sarah was going to handle the divorce herself, without an attorney.  You can come to your own conclusions here, but it’s my bet that Sarah had “church” handlers (likely her dad among them) who immediately stepped in to make sure she quickly severed all ties to the guy she loved now that he was in the midst of suppressive people (the org’s words for people who disagree with Scientology and practice their right to free speech).  After all, what if he actually got her to see the truth of it all?

* * * * *

Today it’s a few days shy of eight months since then.  Jeremy has finally re-grouped, sorted out his scrambled head, and moved on.  But that has been a journey for him.  In October his divorce from Sarah was final.

september picIt took quite awhile for him to untangle and it certainly wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do.  He ended up going through some highly reclusive time, but never regretted his decision to get out of that mess.  Here was Jeremy, 4 years later with nothing more in life than his computer and clothes.  All his previous “friends” and business contacts – gone.

Once he talked to me about how odd he thought he was because he didn’t feel emotions like “normal” people do.  He said for instance when he should feel empathy, sympathy or sadness for someone else, he just felt numbness.  He hated feeling like that.  We talked about it and I could only assume it was from doing hours and hours of Scientology’s “training routines” wherein you’re are to sit with your eyes closed or open and not react to anything you hear or see (designed to help a person shut off all the head-chatter, supposedly) coupled with him refusing to feel true emotion for all these years.  I’m not really sure where all this came from, as I said I only assumed what it might have been, but I can relate to him on that level, because I’m still able to sit through horribly sad movies and not shed a tear and I’ve been away from that stuff for years now.

As he slowly started coming to life again his emotional shut-off started turning back on and he went through some really emotionally tough times.  He was getting overwhelmed with some of the emotions that he had not allowed to come in before and dealing with them was hard for him.  I am not able to tell you what all went through in his mind because he wasn’t overly communicative about his feelings and thoughts.  He kept to himself quite a bit – almost too much.

I’m sure he had a head scramble going on but I was very careful not to talk against Scientology to him, but told him to do his own research and I was always willing to answer his questions and tell him my viewpoints.  I pointed him to a few of the things I had researched but I think he took a real liking to Tony Ortega’s blog about Scientology and spent time there reading, which opened his mind to other questions.  Since he had previously made the original comment that he actually “wanted the bridge” I also told him that he could get it on the outside if he really wanted it.  Anytime he wanted to talk about any of it, I ensured I was available in a loving, caring way.  Sometimes I just sat silently in his area doing something and he’d just start talking about it to me.

I always just listened carefully and tried to let him get it off his mind.  He said he was sad that Sarah was only as deep as a “Scientology parrot” and that honestly she never thought any deeper than what she was taught or told from inside Scientology.  Her answer to everything to him when he tried to discuss his emotional mess was “let’s go to the org” – to the point he couldn’t stand to mention it to her anymore.

We had an awesome family reunion in September and he was able to see his brother again and his nephews for the first time.  That was precious.

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He was able to be there when his sister, Heather, had her baby girl in October and he even attended her baby shower!  These are things families share with each other and Jeremy is no longer denied these basic human rights.

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And Christmas this year was completely amazing having my entire family together again for the first time in years and years!!  We all exchanged gifts with each other and Jeremy later told me it was the best Christmas since he had been gone.  He told me that Christmas’ for him were empty and he had received more gifts this year than all the previous years combined.  That shocked me, I still don’t know what to think of it.  I know I had stopped sending gifts to him when his father passed away, because that was my last connection to him.

It’s taken a few months but he’s now full of life again and happiness sparkles in his eyes.  It’s beautiful to see!

Now that his life is put back together he has moved on and my Jeremy is happy again!  He is a very talented website designer and he freelances with that while also using his graphic artist talent creating logos for big names.  I’m so happy for him and I look forward to all the years we have ahead of us.

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While I’m happy beyond words that I have my son back from the Church of Scientology – I still have a huge pocket of pain in my heart for the many friends who are still living in the hell of losing their family.  My friend Lori Hodgson has lost both of her children, Claire Headly has lost her entire family and I could go on for a long list of acquaintances who have lost so much.

Yes, disconnection is alive and well in Scientology and damaging not only those who are disconnected from, but also those who are forced to believe their families and loved ones are “evil” and should be shunned.  I maintain that it is an action that should not be done, yet it is done for reasons so deeply insidious it would take me another blog to fully explain.  Instead, and because I know people who are still “in” the church read my blog, I want to share this video with you because it will clearly show you how disconnection is completely against your own church’s creed!  Remember, those of us who were declared suppressive (evil) were those of us who exercised our inalienable rights, it just so happened that we disagreed with how things are being handled now in Scientology – and I suppose that is where one’s inalienable rights end.  Please watch this short video and may your eyes be opened to where you will be able to start understanding the things that are not making sense and hopefully you’ll start questioning.

An Open Letter to Scientology Leader Miscavige

 

Here is the video, and again, if you’re reading this from your phone or email, sometimes the video doesn’t show so you can CLICK HERE to see the YouTube video, if the video isn’t showing below.

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At this time, I’m turning over this blog’s authorship to Jeremy Powers, who wants to continue to blog and tell things from his perspective and what he went through during this time – which I do believe could be enlightening to everyone who has read my blog all these years as well as those who wonder what in the world could be in the head of their child or loved one who has disconnected.

With all my love,
Meshell

We Were In a Tornado!

SnapShotToday was a scary day!  Well, I guess technically yesterday was, but I’m still awake and now it’s after midnight.

Your nanny and I were caught in a small tornado while driving home from Theis Farm this afternoon!  See, just as we were leaving to head home the radio broadcasted a tornado warning for St. Charles county and was telling how it was close to where we live, and headed toward where we were.

Here we were out in the bottoms with nothing but farm fields all around us and I was thinking that it was not safe out in the open like that (lol, probably would have been safer though).  I called Jim and he advised that we should probably not come home yet and said the wind was furious at the house, but in all my wisdom I decided we should at least get on Page extension and head west toward home and get under an overpass for protection.

The drive was good for quite a ways, and I stayed on the phone with Jim (hands free, of course) as we headed west.  He said he was taking cover in the basement because of the tornado warning and said the wind was horrible.  I said “wow, there’s zero wind here, absolutely none!”  Jim mentioned to me that it was not a good sign that there was no wind and I knew he was right but it just seemed like maybe the tornado had gone the other direction so I keep heading onward.

Your nanny and I seemed to think the worst of the storm was quite a ways to our left because it looked horribly black that direction and just seemed like heavy rain ahead of us so we were not overly concerned.  Then the rains from hell started hitting us and I couldn’t see 10 feet in front of us!  The rain had just eased up, like almost quit, just as we got on the overpass at Jungermann.  That’s when I looked about 3 car lengths straight ahead of us and said to nanny, “oh my god mom, those clouds are coming all the way down to the road up there!” and no sooner had I said it and we were smack dab in the middle of a tornado!!  We saw debris swirling in the air and heard the high pitch sound of the wind and the vehicle started feeling like we were on some ice.

I was freaking out and not sure what I should do.  Jim was on the phone with me yelling to me to go south of 94….and I was yelling back to him, “Jim, we are IN THE TORNADO NOW” and he just kept telling me to get off of 94 and get south of it.  Of course, there was no exit anywhere close!

We felt stuff hitting the car and it was so loud around us – but not like a train, more like high pitched wind.  Since we were up high on a tall overpass, I didn’t know where to go for safety.  I thought of pulling over next to the concrete wall of the bridge and stopping, but then I immediately worried that it might just lift us up and flip us over to the road below!  Course, if it were going to do that it would have already done it because it was on us fast and furious and then it was gone.  I’d say it was gone in about 30 seconds and we could tell we were on the other side of it.  All the other cars around me seemed to be feeling the same freak out that I had, with not being sure what to do.

 

After we got through the storm we took this picture of the area we came through.

After we got through the storm we took this picture of the area we came through.

When we got a little further down the road the sky was blue!!!!  It was super weird.

We managed to get home, even though I was shaking harder than I had ever trembled before.  Jim thought that we had not actually been in the tornado, but that it was only the start of one, but the TV started giving reports of tornado damage and there were more warnings being issued as that tornado kept heading northeast.

After about 30 minutes nanny and I headed out again, this time to go see if there had been any damage in the area where the tornado came down on us and when we saw what it did after it went through us, we started shaking all over again!  It had went over to the shopping center where the 24 Hour Fitness Center was and tore the crap out of the front of the building!

24 Hour Fitness at Jungerman - just off the highway from where we were.

24 Hour Fitness at Jungermann – just off the highway from where we were.

We went ahead and got out to take pictures feeling freaked completely out that nothing bad had happened to us.  There were a lot of news stations there reporting and I was interviewed by Fox2Now and told them the story of what happened, then a lady from the Post Dispatch interviewed us.  I was shaking again, almost as bad as when we drove through it, because we could see how lucky we really were.

Here is a video we took when we drove back to the area.

You know Jeremy, it’s things like this that make this disconnection thing even more evil.  We are your family and families need each other when things are bad.  What if it would have been a bad deal and we had been hurt or even worse?  Do you think about this?  What do you think?  I suppose you’d not know for a long time, if ever – even if I died!  Even if you read this blog, you’d just think I was not posting much lately, like usual.

Do you ever consider how you’d feel if you later found out that I had been dead for 3 years or something?  You know that there would probably not be anyone who would try to inform you, because truthfully I’m the only one who tries to maintain this line of communication.  Jim thinks you don’t deserve the amount of love I have for you because of what you’ve done to me, so he sure wouldn’t try to get word to you, and Travis & Heather feel nearly the same.  They can’t tolerate the pain that I’m going through and feel the blame lies equally with you as with Scientology.

Jeremy, I tell them that it all boils down to Scientology’s forced disconnection policy because if it weren’t for that you would never have done this.  I try to get them to see that you are surrounded by people who tell you that your family are very bad people because we speak against the Church of Scientology – and you have to be believing them!

For the life of me, I do not understand how you could not just see through this hideous labeling of people who disagree.  You know how much your family loves you and surely you’re smart enough to know that we didn’t just turn “evil” overnight.  What we actually did, and all that we did, was disagree with the church and now they want us silenced and that is all it boils down to, meaning they didn’t want us to spread our opinions and doubt to you or others who are still practicing Scientology.

It’s been 3 years, 7 months, 14 days, 7 hours and 4 minutes since you last spoke to me.  Doesn’t it amaze you that I have not changed my mind and “came to my senses” (as they call it)?  Weren’t you taught that if you didn’t disconnect I would never be saved but that by disconnecting you would “save” me?  Do you believe that?

I know it turned out fine this time and nanny and I are safe – but there might come a day that it isn’t this happy ending and you’ll regret disconnecting from your loving blood family, more than ever and it will be too late.

 

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Here is a link to the short video I took when Nanny and I went back.  (If you’re viewing this post on your phone, the video doesn’t seem to show up, so use this link).   Click here to go to YouTube.

 

 

*********

Jeremy, I love you, miss you and I want you in our life.  I have nothing against you being in Scientology, but as long as you are forced to stay disconnected from me and your family – I will continue to speak out.  Likewise, if Scientology stops abusing the “disconnection policy” I will never breathe another word regarding Scientology, one way or another.

Click here to get my contact information.

Love Always,

Your Mom,
Meshell Powers-Little

20140607_144700

 

 

 

As usual, I want you to know, and anyone else choosing to call or email me – you are SAFE with me.  I’m not being followed, bugged or otherwise tracked and I will NEVER share your identity or information.  I assure you that nobody will know that you talked to me.   I know folks need someone to talk to when their stable data starts to crumble.  Just use my encrypted Hushmail email address if you are worried.

If you’re new to my blog please click here to see why I write this blog. 

Went to a Wedding

Wow, I haven’t written much lately, but that has absolutely nothing to do with how often I think of Jeremy, which is a daily thing.  The good news (or maybe it isn’t so good, shrug) is that I no longer have nightly dreams of Jeremy coming to see me and giving me hugs and love.

This weekend I attended the wedding of an old friend, Chris Hays.  Chris and Amanda’s wedding was beautiful yet I experienced enormous sadness remembering that I had been left out of Jeremy’s & Sarah’s wedding in February.  It’s horrible that my Jeremy had none of his family at his own wedding, so his wedding portraits will all be void of any family members and even his own mother – regardless of how much I love him.

Anyway, there was a boy about Jeremy’s age in attendance at this wedding yesterday who resembled my Jeremy so much I couldn’t stop staring at him!  He sat in my direct view of watching the wedding and I found myself unable to keep my eyes off him.  It was beginning to be awkward when he would look my direction and I was always looking at him, little did he know how fascinated I was with just watching him.  There I was, watching all his mannerisms and could swear I was looking at my son.  I felt so much sadness.  I just wanted to go hug this boy yet I knew I couldn’t do that – good grief – it would just be weird for him!  LOL.  I felt the disconnection pain even more because it was than pain of wanting to hug my son and can’t – even if it’s just a stranger who looks like him.

I observed this young man, and even though I don’t know a thing about him, he seemed to carry that same “troubled soul” that Jeremy always had.  You can’t imagine how badly I wanted to take him under my wing and have a chance to make a difference in his life.

I did end up speaking to him and showed him photos of Jeremy and he also saw the uncanny resemblance.  I told him about Scientology’s disconnection and that Jeremy now shuns me – later I told him I would adopt him if he needed another family and had a bit of conversation with him.  Bless his heart, overall I think I just creeped him out and he just thought I was super strange.

I now feel a bit obsessive about wishing there could be some type of “adoptive family” relationship created and it is probably not an option because, like I said, I think I freaked him out and he just thinks I’m a weird “old” lady.  Sad. I think our family has a lot of love to share and I also think I’m a pretty good mom – even though Jeremy bailed on me.

I wish my Jeremy would wake up.

1932300_690108127713002_140744472_n

 

*********

Jeremy, I love you, miss you and I want you in our life.  I have nothing against you being in Scientology, but as long as you are forced to stay disconnected from me and your family – I will continue to speak out.  Likewise, if Scientology stops abusing the “disconnection policy” I will never breathe another word regarding Scientology, one way or another.

Click here to get my contact information.

Love Always,

Your Mom,
Meshell Powers-Little

Photo2ab

As usual, I want you to know, and anyone else choosing to call or email me – you are SAFE with me.  I’m not being followed, bugged or otherwise tracked and I will NEVER share your identity or information.  I assure you that nobody will know that you talked to me.   I know folks need someone to talk to when their stable data starts to crumble.

If you’re new to my blog please click here to see why I write this blog. 

 

Disconnection Has Been Discontinued in CoS – Breaking News!

Breaking-News-from-Interviews-2013Jeremy, I thought you should know that just this month, Church Officials told the New York Daily News (online, here) that they DO NOT push or force (by any means) DISCONNECTION.  In fact, they state on their own website that the Church does not interfere in the private affairs of families and actually encourage members to have “excellent” family relationships, whether Scientologist or not!  This was the official statement given in response to OTVIII, Sara Goldberg’s story, told in full here.

Church officials told the Daily News that disconnection is a voluntary practice, and on their website the church says they encourage members to have “excellent” family relationships, whether Scientologist or not.”Any inferences that the Church interfered in the private affairs of this family or any other are categorically untrue,” said Karin Pouw, spokesperson from the Church. “The Church of Scientology declines to debate the meaning or application of the voluntary practices of the religion, with the emphasis on voluntary.”Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/woman-claims-scientology-made-pick-son-daughter-article-1.1722890#ixzz2w8uJYg84

Read for yourself what the OFFICIAL STATEMENT is
regarding DISCONNECTION on
www.scientology.org 
Then let’s dissect this.

FIRST POINT:

WHAT IS DISCONNECTION?
The website states: “A Scientologist can have trouble making spiritual progress in his auditing or training if he is connected to someone who is suppressive or who is antagonistic to Scientology or its tenets. All spiritual advancement gained from Scientology may well be lost because one is continually invalidated by an antagonistic person who wants nothing more than to do harm to the person. In order to resolve this situation, one either “handles” the other person’s antagonism with true data about Scientology and the Church or, as a last resort, when all attempts to handle have failed, one “disconnects” from or stops communicating with the person.

Ok, so – Jeremy this says that you will have trouble making spiritual progress in your training or auditing if I am suppressive or antagonistic to Scientology or its tenents —- because, QUOTE  “all spiritual advancement gained from Scientology may well be lost because one is continually invalidated by an antagonistic person who wants nothing more than to do harm to the person”.

Well, I actually agree with the above statement. 

In fact, if I were doing Scientology and I was associating with someone who was making degrading remarks about Scientology around me or to me, and/or invalidating me because of my participation – and after attempts to let them know that I would not continue to associate with them if they didn’t stop such actions towards me, then I would absolutely stop associating with them completely!  Jesus, this is common sense!  I would stop associating with anyone who did this stuff to me regarding any subject.

However, before you disconnected from me, you never once experienced anything remotely close to this from me, your sister, your nanny or Jim.  Not once.  In fact, we let you know that we were fine if you wanted to stay connected and do Scientology.  We let you know that we would just not discuss that subject around you at all.  We told you we’d keep it “good roads, good weather”.  Or don’t you remember?  I remember because I knew it was the only way I would be able to retain my relationship with you!

Continuing here – it says that in order to resolve this situation, one either “handles” the other person’s antagonism with true data about Scientology and the Church or, as a last resort, when all attempts to handle have failed, one “disconnects” from or stops communicating with the person.

Let’s see…..before you completely disconnected with me (and your whole family) not only did I never invalidate you regarding Scientology nor did I talk antagonistic about it, (except for the one day that I sat down with you to let you what we had discovered so that you could understand why we were resigning) – I encouraged you to follow your own path to truth and let you know I would not be antagonistic to you about it.  If you recall, I mentioned that I had an advantage of having been involved for 20+ years and saw things from a different perspective, and you had the right to have your own experience. I hope so much that you remember this.

You never once “attempted to handle my antagonism toward you” or “as a last resort” let me know you would no longer associate with me, because firstly I was not antagonistic toward you or your involvement in Scientology but secondly, you didn’t have that opportunity. You were told that if you didn’t stop all communication and any association with me that you would be THROWN OUT OF THE CHURCH and your own girlfriend, Sarah Coziahr-Powers (now your wife) said she would have to stop associating with you too.  

My very dearest and best friend since grade school had to disconnect from me as well, NOT because I was antagonistic about Scientology toward her but because if she didn’t, her only child (who is on staff at Flag) would be forced to disconnect from her!!  Hideousness.

Talk about misunderstanding your own policies.

SECOND POINT:

The website states:  “As defined by L. Ron Hubbard:

“The term handle most commonly means to smooth out a situation with another person by applying the technology of communication.

“The term disconnection is defined as a self-determined decision made by an individual that he is not going to be connected to another. It is a severing of a communication line.

“The basic principle of ‘handle or disconnect’ exists in any group and ours is no different.

“It is much like trying to deal with a criminal. If he will not handle, the society resorts to the only other solution: It ‘disconnects’ the criminal from the society. In other words, they remove the guy from society and put him in a prison because he won’t handle his problem or otherwise cease to commit criminal acts against others.”

Jeremy, you were never given the information that if your family was not antagonistic toward you with regards to your involvement in Scientology, then you had no reason to disconnect.

In fact, nobody is ever told this.

THIRD POINT:

The website states: “A person who disconnects is simply exercising their right to communicate or not to communicate with a particular person. This is one of the most fundamental rights of Man. For as Mr. Hubbard pointed out:   “If one has the right to communicate, then one must also have the right to not receive communication from another. It is this latter corollary of the right to communicate that gives us our right to privacy.”

Interesting that you
are just now being told this?

Do you feel like you had the right to communicate to me when…..

  • …your sister had her car accident?
  • …on Mother’s Day, almost 3 years in a row, so far?
  • …on my birthday 3 years in a row, so far?
  • …you received the thoughtful and significant birthday gifts?
  • …you received the cute christmas presents for you and Sarah?
  • …your dad was diagnosed with brain cancer?
  • …your dad was dying from brain cancer and had only a couple months to live?
  • …the night he died, and I had to hide in a bedroom so you would at least come to his side?
  • …you didn’t come to your dad’s funeral because your “suppressive” family would be there?
  • …you couldn’t invite one single member of your blood family to your wedding?
  • …your grandma (nanny) was in the hospital for a week, after a stroke?

Honestly, I’m sure you were NOT told you had a right to choose to communicate or not to communicate (without serious ramification from the Church or Sarah Coziahr-Powers).  I’m sure you had no choice.

I’m sure of that because you told your dad’s mom, right after your dad died, when she asked you if “there was anything you wanted to tell your mom and your sister”, and you told her to tell us that, QUOTE, “tell them that I love them”!

FOURTH POINT:

The website states: “There is no policy in Scientology that requires Church members to disconnect from anyone, let alone family and friends who simply have different beliefs. To the contrary, the moral code of Scientology mandates that Scientologists respect the religious beliefs of others. The Church encourages excellent family relationships, Scientologists or not, and family relations routinely improve with Scientology because the Scientologist learns how to increase communication and resolve any problems that may have previously existed”. 

This is either a complete lie or a chilling play on words,
designed to be “truthful” yet leaving out words that are MOST important here!

The words that you might have missed (because they were not put in there) are –

The website SHOULD have stated:  …unless the friend or family member is in disagreement with Scientology or has ever voiced his disagreement and thereby subsequently was DECLARED SUPPRESSIVE (an evil person) by the Church, because he disagrees with it.

Nice that they left out that part, you know why?  Because literally thousands upon thousands of people (including famous people who tried Scientology and went a different route) have been DECLARED SUPPRESSIVE by the Church.

If you’ll go back up to that first paragraph, they don’t seem to touch on “suppressive”, but only describe the “antagonistic person”.

This is exactly what thousands of folks and the media are talking about!

Thousands upon thousands of folks are openly antagonistic
to this type of forced disconnection because it’s wrong.  

Staff are using LRH’s words loosely to ensure separation from those who disagree with Scientology from those who are part of Scientology.  Period.

If anyone is openly in disagreement with Scientology, for any reason, he will be declared SUPPRESSIVE.

Almost all of the so-called SUPPRESSIVE person declares are done to people who have declared that they no longer want to be part of the Church, or because they wouldn’t disconnect from a loved one who was declared for that same reason, or they “associated” in some fashion with someone who was declared suppressive —- but most interesting here is this is done especially if they have friends or family still “inside”.

Jeremy, this is not really new news.  The Church has been stating this all along, yet still conveniently ignores individual staff members across the planet who misapply the disconnection policies and who are declaring tons of people suppressive and using FORCE and THREATS to keep people under control – due to fear that more will openly declare their disagreements and leave.

Watch this music video, Sara Bareilles song, BRAVE

Lyrics:

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

*********

Jeremy, I love you, miss you and I want you in our life.  I have nothing against you being in Scientology, but as long as you are forced to stay disconnected from me and your family – I will continue to speak out.  Likewise, if Scientology stops abusing the “disconnection policy” I will never breathe another word regarding Scientology, one way or another.

Click here to get my contact information.

Love Always,

Your Mom,
Meshell Powers-Little

Photo2ab

As usual, I want you to know, and anyone else choosing to call or email me – you are SAFE with me.  I’m not being followed, bugged or otherwise tracked and I will NEVER share your identity or information.  I assure you that nobody will know that you talked to me.   I know folks need someone to talk to when their stable data starts to crumble.

If you’re new to my blog please click here to see why I write this blog. 

Happy 23rd Birthday, My Jeremy Andrew Powers

images23Twenty-Three years ago today I looked at my baby boy and  gave you two of my favorite names – Jeremy Andrew.  I knew there was the chance folks would dub you as a “jerry” and I so hoped not.  Had you been called “Andrew” or “Andy” that would have been cool with me, as your mom.  I’m pleased to know that you have stayed “Jeremy” with the nickname “Jer”.

Happy Birthday my precious Jeremy, I hope you have a beautiful day!  Gosh, are you really already 23 years old?  Words are simply not enough to express how much you mean to me and how happy I am that you are my son, no matter where you are.  I love you.  I always want only the best for you and I hope your birthday bring loads of happiness and sweet memories in your life – and a successful year ahead.  

I’m sure Sarah will make sure your birthday special, she’s really awesome.  I know I’ll really be sad if she and I never have a relationship.  It completely blows me away how similar she is to me.  I know she’d fit in well in our family – Jeremy, I am proud of the choice you made  —- it was not your fault that Scientology tore us all apart.  I will always hold hope that someday we will all be able to associate again.

You know, while you were growing up, my mind was full of questions and mystery.  Mysteries like, what would you belovly-happy-birthday-cake-pictureds like when you grew up and would you be able to make a good life for yourself, and what would you end up doing to make a living in this world.  But as you grow up, one birthday after another, I know there’s nothing I need to worry about.

Every single year since you were born, you’ve added something amazing to my life. These past 3 years, being forced to disconnect, has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with in my entire life.  Even the death of your father was not this tough.  But no matter where you are, I can’t imagine my life without you in it. 

So, since you’re not allowed to receive a gift from me, today, on your birthday, I’ll raise a toast to you – I love you with all heart.  I am always here for you. Forever.

I’m getting by, but I would really like to know that you’re truly happy, deep down in your sensitive heart.  I wish I knew.

I_love_you_so_much___Wallpaper_i91uq

*********

Click here to get my contact information.

Love Always,

Your Mom,
Meshell Powers-Little

Photo2ab

As usual, I want you to know, and anyone else choosing to call or email me – you are SAFE with me.  I’m not being followed, bugged or otherwise tracked and I will NEVER share your identity or information.  I assure you that nobody will know that you talked to me.   I know folks need someone to talk to when their stable data starts to crumble.

If you’re new to my blog please click here to see why I write this blog. 

A Most Amazing Thing

Good Morning Jeremy!

Recently I read some really really good advice and wanted to share it with you.  Since I can’t share on Facebook I thought this might work.  It is from a website called “Finer Minds”.  I put a link back to the website inside the title.  I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

I love you always and have you on my mind daily.

How To Be Thankful For People We Don’t Like:
5 Ways to Find Gratitude For Even the Most Difficult Person

Gratitude is the foundation of abundance. It is the cornerstone of living a purposeful, rewarding, joy-filled life. Gratitude activates the positive law of attraction vibrations.

If there are people in your life that you don’t like, the negative energy vibrations you transmit toward them drag down your positive vibes, and you end up lower down on the “vibes scale” than you want to be. For example, let’s say on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 is your highest positive vibration, and 1 will be your most negative.

Even if you have high vibes with most people in your life, just having one person you don’t like can drag your vibes down to a lower level.

It is in your best interests to find a way to be grateful to all people–yes, even if you hate them, even if they drive you crazy, even if you are completely justified in hating them because of their unspeakably heinous behavior towards you.

Here are five keys to transform your perspective.

1. Discover the Root of the Problem

The first step is to spend time with yourself and look into what happens to you when this particular person sets you off. Take the focus off them and shine the light fairly and squarely on yourself. You probably find you’re filled with a turmoil of emotions: anger, frustration, irritation, hurt, disappointment and so on. Allow these emotions to be there with non-judgment and compassion for yourself.

As you stay present to your emotions, they dissolve and you quickly re-discover your inner peace, clarity of mind and well-being. In addition, your sense of humor, and creativity return. From this place of wisdom and clarity, you can start to move into compassion and understand that the other person is living in pain and fear and doesn’t know a better way to behave.

2. Focus on the Good

Most people have some redeeming qualities, although in certain cases they are quite hidden from view. Assume the good qualities are in there, somewhere, because they are. Remember that everyone is born filled with love, joy, and inner peace. Somewhere in their life (for many people it’s because of an abusive childhood), this person has lost their way and become disconnected from the source of love. They have become trapped in a cycle of abuse — toward themselves and others.

Send this person vibrations of love. Pray for them. Ask that they will find their way back to the light. This does not mean that what they did to you was okay. It doesn’t mean that you have to spend time with them, or even have them in your life. It doesn’t mean that you are the person to help them.

It does mean, however, that you raise your positive vibration level.

3. Create Boundaries

One of the reasons people irritate us and get under our skin is because we don’t make our boundaries clear. It’s important to be clear about what is acceptable behavior toward us and what isn’t. This means we have to speak our truth, no matter what.

Everyone in your life should be respectful, friendly and courteous towards you. If they are not, it’s up to you to address the issue. Always make sure that you are respectful, kind and courteous towards others.

4. Mind Your Vibration

We get what we vibrate. If we speak to people in anger, that’s what we get back. If we are disrespectful, mean and insincere, that’s what we get back.

Allow your turbulent emotions to pass through you and, when you feel calm and relaxed, have a conversation with the person you don’t like, or write them an email or a letter. Communicate what you want with clarity, friendliness, and respect.

The more clearly you ask for what you want, the more likely you are to get it.

The number one reason you are doing this, remember, is to shift your vibrational level higher up the scale. With most people you get a positive response, but not always. Hold the faith, because the transformation in you is miraculous, irrespective of how the other person responds.

5. Understand the Power of Love

When we take 100 percent responsibility for what is happening inside of us, miracles happen. We find it easy to be grateful because we have transformed dislike into compassion.

Love is recognizing ourselves in the other.

On one level we are physical form and psychological makeup. On a deeper level we are all the consciousness of oneness. Love is the recognition of our oneness. Compassion, the highest form of love, then arises in us.

*********

Click here to get my contact information.

Love Always,

Your Mom,
Meshell Powers-Little

Photo2ab

As usual, I want you to know, and anyone else choosing to call or email me – you are SAFE with me.  I’m not being followed, bugged or otherwise tracked and I will NEVER share your identity or information.  I assure you that nobody will know that you talked to me.   I know folks need someone to talk to when their stable data starts to crumble.

If you’re new to my blog please click here to see why I write this blog. 

Happy New Year Jeremy!

Hi my precious Jeremy!

I’ve been listening to some songs and was thinking of you.  I miss you and love you tons!!!!!

Thought I’d share.  These are YouTube video links:

Five For Fighting, WORLD

.

.

I always loved R.E.M., this one is EVERYBODY HURTS

.

.

Michael Buble’ – HAVEN’T MET YOU YET

.

.

Trace Adkins – Every Light In The House Is On

.

.

Christina Aguilera – Say Something

.

.

Passenger – Let Her Go (cover)

.

.

Christina Perry – A Thousand Years

.

.

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