I hope you have a great birthday!!!  The 21st birthday is one of those milestone birthdays!

You should ask your dad about his 21st…..(grinning).

I remember when you were born….on February 3, 1991, twenty-one years ago.

While looking through some stuff,
I ran across something I wrote for you,
Dated Jan 5, 1991
This is your own special Birth Story 

     ”Dear Baby – this is the beginning of a new phase in Danny & Meshell’s life together.  Well, sort of the beginning.
Mommy & Daddy have about 4 weeks left to meet you and yes, your mommy is SO ready!  I make jokes to Daddy about going to the hospital for an early withdrawal!!! I admit I grumble & gripe a lot, but this last 1.5 months is pretty tough on mommy’s body.  I can’t even tie my own shoes!!  Amazing how big I am.

 (NOTE: Look at that 80′s look there….the shirt is cute, it says “Dieters Excuses” and there is a list of reasons and I’m very pregnant!)    The doctors tell us that we should be expecting a Jeremy (a boy) and I’m thinking if he’s wrong and we have a girl, we’ll sure be in trouble in the clothes department!!  HaHa.  SO, my precious, if you’re a boy your name will be Jeremy Andrew Powers.  If someone was wrong and you’re a girl, your name will be Heather.  We haven’t decided on a middle name yet, but I sure like “Heather Lynn”.  (NOTE: that 3.5 years later your beautiful sister, Heather Rene’, was born).

     On my last doctor’s appointment on Jan 2,  - the doctor told me your little head was engaged now and the birth process was beginning.  He said anytime from now forward that you can safely be born.  Listening intently, she said you have a really strong heart beat.

Your big brother, Travis, keeps asking me if I’ve got the baby out of my belly yet.  He sure has trouble figuring that one out!  Being a little over 3.5 years old, I don’t think he’ll remember it much, but I still hope he can be there to see you being born.

Last night, January 4, in fact, most of the day, I had a lot of pretty hard contractions, and I was really pretty excited that you were on your way!  But is doesn’t seem to be so.  These things are so hard to predict.  I just can’t wait to hold you!!

I intend to write periodically about our experiences until you’re born, since I’m up real late at night now-a-days.  I just can’t sleep much, but the house sure is clean!  haha, it’s totally clean.

February 2, I’m still here with you in my belly!  I haven’t written much over the last month, but there’s just something about tonight.   Tonight seems different.  This morning when I woke up I noticed the “pink show”.

(10:23 pm 20 sec mild contraction)

Daddy and I were pretty excited about it and made sure that we didn’t go anywhere without our suitcase in the car!  We are just so anxious to meet you, see you and  have you here in our arms.    As for me, physically, I’m exhausted and miserable!

(10:25pm 30 sec moderate contraction)

I’m having more contractions now, and that’s why I’m noting the contraction length and intensity, but probably just for the heck of it, as it seems I’ve had so many false labor contractions.  I want so much for this to be the time, but these contractions could very well be the same old false things.  I don’t remember having so many of them with Travis.  But Ido certainly feel like the time is VERY near.

(10:29pm oops contraction)

I had my last doctor’s visit last Wednesday Jan 30, 91 – with Dr. Glover.  He said he wanted to induce labor on Tuesday February 5 if you haven’t been born yet.  Gee, I recall Travis was born via a C-Section after about 9 hours of hard intense and induced labor!!!!  Oh my god, that was bad.  Dr. Glover said I should try to go in and have you naturally.  I agree, but at the same time I decided I didn’t want to put you through induced labor and traumatize you, then to end up going C-Section anyway.  That was hard on Travis and it isn’t fair to do you that way too.

(10:32pm 55 sec moderate contraction)  

Anyway, I told him no, that we should just go in for a c-section and get it over with and not put you through it.  He agreed that would be fine and set the date for February 5th at 1:30pm.  I’m suppose to go in at 9am to get ready.  Oh god, it’s getting close!

(10:34pm 30 sec mild)

     My plan is to have you before then!!!  Come on sweetheart, let’s get this show on the road!!!!

(10:36pm 35 sec mild contraction)

As you can see by my timing on the this journal, these probably aren’t the real thing either….they are not uniform enough.  Dr. Glover told me, after I asked him what could I do to make this go faster, that I should rub my nipples with a wet wash cloth 3 times a day for 20 minutes (holy hell!!).  He said it was the only proven scientific way to speed up labor, because that sort of stimulation releases oxytocin into the bloodstream, which causes contractions.  Oh my god!  Really?

(10:39pm 60 sec moderate contraction)

So I did that tonight, and a few times the previous nights too – but tonight I started it at 9:28pm and ended at 9:48pm – so these contractions could have been started by me!

(10:42pm 60 sec moderate contraction)

It’s really hard to know anything, I know they sure aren’t regular and you are moving around in my belly like crazy.

Well, sweetie maybe tonight is the night or maybe not, but I think I’ll just stop timing them now and lay down and try to get some sleep.  Oh you’re not off the hook though little boy, I still want you to arrive very soon!! – I’ll write a little later.

A LITTLE LATER:  I just wanted to make this comment.

(10:58pm HARDER)

I know it’s sorta gross, but I just had some diarrhea and before that I had a bowel movement (I know, gross, right?).  I’m not sure really why this seems significant but I think because it would be odd to have it in that order.  I wish I had kept a record my first time through this (with Travis) so I could have compared.

(11:04pm 30 sec STRONG but short contraction)

Oh well, not sure if it was significant or not, but when I came back to bed I had a pretty tough contraction.  Ok, I’m not feeling well now, so I”m going to stop writing.  I love you already!!
     FEBRUARY 3rd 1991 – Guess what!!  That long long wait is finally over!!!  At last.

Let me tell you all about it.  When I stopped writing to you, your daddy and I tried to lay down to go to sleep, but I couldn’t because of contractions.  Just very distracting, but definitely getting closer together at about 17 minutes apart up until around 11:54pm.  Then they started coming 7 to 10 minutes apart.  Some were pretty strong, compared to earlier, some weren’t as strong.  By 12:45am (Feb 3) the contractions were about 3-5 minutes apart and I saw the plug come out.  I had a bit more diarrhea.  Ouch……and by 1am I knew this must be the real thing!

I called your grandma (she wants to be called “nanny”) and I told her that I was going to the hospital.  This is funny, isn’t is always in the middle of the night, right!!?  I was pretty sure this was it, but we told her she should wait at home until I called her, if the hospital was going to keep me.  Daddy got on the phone and called his mom, your Granny Alta, and his dad, Papa Henry and his Aunt Lavada.  We told them all that we would call them later if we stayed at the hospital.

So off we go with suitcase in hand, garbage bag on the car seat, you know, just in case the water broke!  I asked your daddy to drive slow so that we wouldn’t get there too early, so he drove about 10 miles under the speed limit all the way to Sparks Hospital.

Your grandma had called just before we went out the door and said her and Martin would go ahead and meet us at the emergency room.  Your daddy and I arrived at the hospital and parked.  We both walked up to the door together and in.  Wow, your nanny was already there!  Guess we drove really slow!

Daddy and I signed papers and we walked up to labor & delivery area.  They gave us a room and got me a robe and put the external fetal monitor on my belly as well as the contraction monitor.  Good grief, I was wired like a transmitter!  The contractions weren’t real bad, but at the time they seemed pretty tough to me!!  They were mild enough that I could still talk through them.  We were all very tired with it being the wee hours of the morning, so I talked your nanny into going on home to sleep until we called her later – because it was looking like they might send me on home.  They agreed and left.

Around 3am they took me off the monitors and told me to walk the halls for 30 minutes and come back to be checked because I was only dilated 1.5 cm.  So off daddy and I went.  We went to the nursery and saw all the babies, several times, then came back about 3:45am only to be told I hadn’t made any more progress!!  They decided to send me on home with instructions that if my water broke, I was to come back for the duration.

So, your daddy and I left and decided to go to Denny’s to eat breakfast, by now it was 5am on February 3rd.  Yawn…..

IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BREAKFAST, my water broke – in Denny’s!!!!  I was SO embarrassed!

Daddy and I left and headed for the hospital again.  Sure glad I took the garbage bag with me for the seat because it was certainly getting wet!

This time it was the real thing!!  I went into some serious labor over the next few hours and you were born at 10:48am, all natural with absolutely no medication at all.

 A beautiful baby boy!!

Welcome to our family, don’t forget you are very loved.  Love, Mom”

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Jeremy, I want you to know that I realize children are not “YOURS” just because they spent 10 months inside you and all the years from then on up, but it certainly feels like that.  But I knew better, I knew you were a being, just as me, in a tiny new body!

As I raised you, I ensured that you knew that I respected you as a real person in a little child body and I always gave you all the respect that any human would receive.  I never treated you as a “possession” of mine, because I knew you were not.

I have always been so happy you chose me for as your mom!!  Thank you, my Jeremy Andrew Powers.  I love you dearly.

Happy Birthday – and I hope you like your birthday surprise in my “grand finale”…….

Going forward, I plan to write periodically about things in life.  I’m going to be happy too and move forward.

I’m so proud and happy that you seem to have found true happiness in your life.
That is the most important thing, my Jeremy.

Love Always,

Your Mom

I have a lot of dreams lately of you coming back home.  I see you coming through the door and smiling at me.  Course I have a great picture of you on my desk at work (with your sister & brother and Brittany & Ashton) – and I see it all day long and think fondly of you.

I don’t know if you know this or not – but if you ever do want to come back home and “regroup” or “get your thoughts together” or just re-set things, change your mind or start anew – your family is here to help you get going.  We have a bedroom for you and we will all help you get on your feet and get going again if needed.  I have no doubt in my mind that you would have an awesome restart!  In fact, I see it unfolding now and it’s great!

There is a lot I’d like to share with you – someday I will.  Holy crap do I ever have a lot to talk about, I’m not that good at typing a story so snips from my mind is all you’ll get here.

Once again I have my happy bubble all around me!
God this is nice.
This is so much me!!
I’ve been so stuck in another place.

Good stuff here, I have come to a complete calmness about death & dying.  LOL, Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about my death or loved ones necessarily, just death in general.  There is no doubt in my mind that when someone departs they almost always find immediate calmness.  That is very comforting to me.

I have stories to tell you…like, remember Janet, Teresa’s sister?  When she passed, her communication to me was that she was exhilarated and so happy & elated.  She departed and wasn’t even around for the funeral!  I thought that odd at the time.

Then when my step-dad passed, he was around for the funeral and he communicated to me that he was completely at peace, nothing really significant except that he was very peaceful and happy.  Of course, I had no more communication with him either.

When Uncle Ron passed – now that was a different story all together.  It was weird because he didn’t even realize he was dead for a few days.  A lot of days, actually.  Course he was brutally murdered and probably didn’t expect it.

You know how a dream is?  When you’re dreaming it seems real at the time.  If Uncle Ron was dead and watching all it happen as if a movie, he was not realizing it was him!  Sorry…I don’t want to get sidetracked with silly stories and theories here right now.

When my friend David McKnight passed that was also a bit different.  He didn’t seem calm or peaceful about it at first and not for a few days.  But now he is calm for sure.  I was able to communicate to him on a couple occasions and things are as I thought.

I 100% believe that every human being creates his own truth/reality.  Think about that for a minute.  Think hard about that one.  If you don’t believe this, then that is YOUR TRUTH and YOUR REALITY.  See?  It isn’t mine, nor is it a few other folks’.  Point made.  That being said, how each person sees something will be unique to his own beliefs.  (That makes for an interesting death experience).

I’ve read a few good books lately.  I’ve had to read them, digest them, read other stuff, see how it agreed or disagreed and come back and read them again.  Currently I’m re-reading “Destiny of Souls, New Case Studies of Life Between Lives”.  Jeremy, it’s very interesting, however the first time through it I’m not sure I had a lot of reality with it.  I have read a whole lot of Esther & Jerry Hicks stuff (The Secret – Law of Attraction), and it gets more and more powerful and real to me each time.  I guess it’s like peeling an onion and getting more and more reality with a few viewpoints coming together – including those of LRH.

Reading all of those whose cases shared in the book – really interesting stuff, combined with all my previous knowledge of course.

Then Jim and I started watching “I Survived, Beyond & Back” on the Biography channel.  It’s about people who died and were brought back who remembered what happened to them.  Interestingly enough, each of their stories are unique and different except for one single point.  At the moment of death they are quite relieved and peaceful.  There is no difference, not even if they are violently killed or close their eyes and die.  I’m still thinking about the fact that almost none of their experiences are similar except for floating above their body realizing they were not really “dead” and that they were completely “relieved and at peace”.

It makes my logical side kick in and say…..if it were ONE experience that all humans go through when they die, then all these stories would reflect that.  They don’t.

But I know that when a person passes on he/she is peaceful and certainly doesn’t want those left behind to overly grieve or give up on their own pursuit of happiness…you know what I mean?  This makes me feel calm.  I’m not afraid of death.  However, with that said, I am enjoying this life and I have a lot of plans yet to do so I wouldn’t want to pass on too soon, but just let it be known that I am not afraid of it or concerned about it now.  I believe I have finally came to my final conclusions on it.

As Always,
I love you,
think of you all
the time!

Love, Mom

For the last few days I’ve had a lot of different thoughts running through my mind.  I think it’s time I share them to get them out of my head!  First of all, I’ve said my piece about how I feel about this illegal disconnection crap and how I feel about you going along with it.  I’ve said my piece and now it’s time to move on and stop beating a dead horse.

This might upset you.  But hey, you are an elite.  You’re a Scientologist and you have the ability to confront anything, right? Well, I don’t think this will upset you, if you’ve read the rest of my blog – this is tame.  I still have one more thing to say along these lines to actually feel like I can end this tirade.    This has been nagging me for the last few days – I just haven’t had the chance to sit down and write.

Basically I’ve been thinking of how it should

have all went down had it been a sane organization

with strong confident stability.

This is how our leaving the organization would have went – This will be the last time I go to this subject Jeremy, so hear me out one last time here.

1. After considerable researching and soul searching and analyzing,  I decide after 22 years that I am no longer going to support the Church of Scientology (god I now hate using the term “church”). – THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED.

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2. Realizing my mom, my daughter and my son are involved, I need to make sure they understand my decision to withdraw my support (so they don’t think I’ve just lost my mind and fell off the deep end).  I ensure they know that it’s totally okay with me if they want to remain connected and come to their own opinions for themselves.   I understand that I’ve had a lot of experience with this organization and I understand the executives are nervous about people who say things against the organization, so I let my loved ones know that I will NOT be talking badly about it and I will fully support their decision to be part of any religion they want.  THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED.

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3. Being open and honest, we go to the correct people within the organization letting them know that our immediate family is withdrawing our support and will be leaving and let them why – carefully ensuring that we did not make public announcements or say it to the wrong people.  THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED.

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4. At this point we would have went on our way and did our own thing, and Jeremy (choosing to stay involved) would have continued with his thing and we would have had agreements in place that neither of us discuss the subject – at all.  In fact, Jeremy, we previously agreed to this, didn’t we!?  Realizing that it would make it very difficult and awkward for you, we would have just kept our opinions to our self on public forums as well.  THIS IS NOT HOW IT HAPPENED.

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Jeremy, the ideal scene would have been so easy.  However, to completely ensure that you nor anyone else, who respected us in the past, could possible talk to us and possibly get information that might make them question something (in other words to minimize the threat to the stability of the organization) we had to be “silenced” and belittled with a declare telling all insiders that we are evil and a threat to the planet.  

.

Sort of overboard, I’d say.  

.

WHY HAVE WE BEEN

OUTSPOKEN AND PUBLICLY

ATTACKING?

Do you really have to ask?

Because we see through the smoke & mirrors.  Jeremy I would NEVER stand by silently while my son is ripped from my life!  You are my child and I will always love you!  I am fighting the ONLY way possible.  Truth is truth and that is all.

Not a single “SP” declared person

has gained anything

by slinking off to a quiet corner!  

I promise you.  

Basically, by publishing tons of lies about us (libel) and declaring us SPs, they started our engines and gave us the “go ahead” to attack.  We are no longer bound by that policy or that “think” at the time they issue the lies to all our friends and tell our son he has to pretend we’re dead.

Have you ever heard of

CREATING YOUR OWN ENEMIES?

The Church of Scientology creates every single attack to itself.  Odd.  So odd, and so freaking obvious when the blindfolds are off.  Well, that is why.  I will never be silenced as I don’t believe in it.

However….

I am not going to beat this drum any longer.

I don’t think there is another thing along these lines that I haven’t already said earlier in this blog.  I’ve said it all.  I’ve cried. I’ve screamed.  I’ve thrown fits.  It’s time to just move on to other subjects, and that is going to happen today.

I leave you with an article from my friend, Jeff Hawkins – straight from his blog.  This really says it all about “SPs” and it’s completely ridiculous now on the inside and sad, that the true meaning has been deluded and now it’s just a weapon that is used to protect the church from anyone on the inside finding out….

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TYPES OF SPs – Jefferson Hawkins

Last year, I wrote a satirical essay about the “types of SP.” I never published it on this blog, but it seems it’s time to revisit the subject, as apparently the Church has now invented several more classes of SP.

With so many people getting declared these days, the C of S has quite a time keeping them all straight. Even though they declare someone, that does not mean that they can now talk to other SPs. Oh, no. The Church has to have ways of keeping some SPs from talking to other SPs. They have to keep SPs from speaking out. And there are even SPs that can’t leave the Int Base!

So here’s my updated list of “Types of SPs.”

Int Base SPs: Most people don’t know that Miscavige has declared most of Int Management. That’s right, they are declared SP. Yet they can’t leave the Base. They are on total lockdown, spending their time “applying their A to E steps,” doing physical labor, and generally trying to kiss up to Miscavige. People like Guillaume Lesevre, Marc Yager, Heber Jentsch and a reported 40 or 60 others. They stay in the Hole, also known as ‘SP Hall.’ This has been going on for about five years. Of course, they can’t communicate with other SPs. They can’t communicate with anyone off the Base!

Provisional SPs: I had experience with this one. The person is “declared SP,” a declare order is written and published, and the person is informed that they are declared but the declare is “held in abeyance” pending their good behavior. They are told that their declare is “provisional. If they shape up and do as they are told, then maybe it will be cancelled. When I was sent out to the PAC Ranch, as described in Counterfeit Dreams, it was with just such a “provisional declare.” Most of the Int Base Execs have “provisional declares.”

Verbal SPs: They don’t actually issue SP declares any more – they are “confidential.” Since they can’t show anyone anything in writing, it’s usually verbal: “so-and-so is an SP,” or just “You shouldn’t be talking to so-and-so.” There are a whole bunch of code words and phrases:”So-and-so has gone over to the dark side.” “So-and-so has been in comm with squirrels.” “So-and-so is disaffected” (or, as we say, “disinfected”). A good Scientologist is supposed to take the hint, disconnect from the person, and never, never ask questions or ask to see it in writing.

Tame SPs: These are the people who, although declared SP, are ‘working on their A to E steps’ and paying off their Freeloader Debt. They are quiet, compliant, and don’t make waves. And they even do certain chores, like spying on other SPs and reporting to OSA. And they never, never talk to “bad SPs.” Some of these have been bought – they were paid cash settlements, or were offered “deals” where they are allowed to talk to their family or have their Freeloader Debt cancelled. Even though “declared,” they are still very firmly under the Church’s thumb.

Good SPs: They aren’t necessarily doing their A to E steps, and they are not paying their Freeloader debt, but at least they don’t speak out and they don’t make waves. They are quiet. They may read the chat groups and internet sites, but they don’t post under their own names. They don’t make any trouble for the Church, at least not openly. They are nice and quiet. They may be reading and looking and thinking and talking, but they keep it “under the radar.”

Bad SPs: These are the ones that make trouble. They write about their experiences on the inside. They reveal the abuse, the lies, the fraud. They talk to others. They post under their own names. They demonstrate. They speak out. They are not quiet.

Borderline SP: Thanks to Karen De La Carriere for alerting me to this one. This, apparently, is a Scientologist who does not go to events, or, if they do, are a little slow standing up for David Miscavige’s standing ovations, or a little too quiet with their “hip-hip-hoorays.” And yes, they have OSA staff at the events, looking at the attendees and texting their seniors if anyone shows “bad indicators.” That’s right, they spy on attendees and report in real time. A “borderline SP” is a Scientologist who reads thing they are not supposed to on the internet, or talks to people the Church thinks they shouldn’t be talking to. It’s someone who doesn’t report when they are told to, or donate when they are told to.

There may be more types of SPs, but these are the classes I know of.  Hey, there are plenty of classifications for everyone. So it’s not just 2 ½ percent anymore – it’s a game anyone can play.

Or not. Personally, I couldn’t care less what labels Scientology hands out. Because outside of their tiny little dysfunctional totalitarian empire, no one cares.

Added Note:

You can see where this is heading, can’t you? Having stripped the term SP of any real meaning it may have had and turned it into a political term, the next step will be the complete commercialization of the word. Thus, we’ll have:

The Negotiable SP: SP will become a marketable commodity. Except in reverse. Instead of getting people to want it, you get people to want to get rid of it.  And you offer to cancel the declare if they do exactly what you want. “If you do us this favor, we’ll cancel your SP declare.” “If you speak out publicly against the bad SPs, we’ll cancel your SP declare.” Maybe they’ll even start accepting a cash payment, just like the Medieval indulgences!

Actually, it’s a pretty good reverse marketing gimmick. Invent a derogatory term, label people with it, then offer to “remove the label” if they do something for you.

“You’re declared a Boojum.”

“What’s that?”

“It means you’re a very evil person!”

“But wait a minute, I’m not an evil person!”

“In that case, do exactly what we tell you to do and we’ll cancel your Boojum declaration. And, today only, we’ll also offer you a dozen virgins when you get to heaven.”

Clever. People might even fall for it.

If they don’t figure out that it’s just the meaningless babble of a dying cult.

JEFFERSON HAWKINS – awesome guy!!

My little Jeremy, my second-born child.  How in the world can you stand being separated this long from me & your sister?

What thoughts go through your head – or do they?

It’s been over a year now and I simply cannot understand how you can’t feel bitterness towards those who force you to have no communication with me.   It truly seems that by now you’d start realizing that all those around you still have their family.

Jeremy, they don’t have any reality whatsoever with how it feels to have no mom or other  family.

Yet, it is a fact that you are forced (with a threat of loss) to go on  as if your mother and sister were dead!  Think about that one.

Honestly, do you not even grieve?

Just 19 years old when Scientology gave you the ultimatum that it was your family or them.  I know you felt “all grown up” at that age, but in fact, you were barely a man.  Still NINETEEN……isn’t that technically still a teenager?  My child.

I promise you right now that you will never ever understand the pain of losing a child until the time you have a child of your own.

I can’t even comprehend the thought that Matt Hanses (local Scientology Executive), the kid barely in his twenties himself, no children and very little real world wisdom - with the swipe of his vengeful hand – pronounced me and your baby sister EVIL, knowing full well you would never have a mother again if you decided to stay with your girlfriend, job and Scientology.  Yet, Jeremy……he has no comprehension of losing a child.  None.  Zero.  (And don’t let him make you believe he remembers such in a past lifetime either.)

Jeremy, he knew full well that he was taking my child away when he started on that path of revenge toward Jim, Heather and I.  He knew you wouldn’t leave your job and girlfriend.  Did you know that he arranged that job you had with Ronnie Jones?   Matt Hanses actually pre-arranged that job for you because he needed to recruit Mike Jenne back on staff and needed to help find a replacement for him!    Knowing you needed a job and had been needing one for awhile, he used you to get what he wanted and ensured you were well snagged.

I think about this every now and then…..he was pissed as hell at us for not believing all the stuff he tried to show us to prove that “we were being tricked” by evil people and that we were wrong to be leaving Scientology.  He yelled a lot during the conversation.  The last thing I heard Matt Hanses say was, “oh you’ll be declared alright, and I’ll be the one to do it”.   It was complete revenge on Matt Hanses side, Jeremy!  

Sad.  Sick.  Unbelievable actually.

Anyway, I think about you and wonder how in the world you can stand it.  It would make sense if there had ever been any “bad blood” between us, or any teenage mother/son upsets or fights – there was hardly any!  It brings only one thing to mind that could possibly answer this riddle for me…………you must be using Scientology “thought-stoppers”.  Seriously, hear me out here.  A thought stopper is anything used that “fully explains it” and causes you to not have to think about it any more.

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.

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Thought-Stoppers
quoted from
JEFF HAWKINS’ BLOG

( I have added the word enclosed in the brackets)

“He’s an SP” or “She’s been declared.” Of course, this effectively stops any thought about the person or anything they might say. And one does not even think about whether the person really is or is not Suppressive. If the Church says they are, they are, and the matter is given no further thought. “Did you see the CNN program about Scientology?” is met with “Oh, those people are all declared SPs.” And that’s the end of it – no further thought is necessary. [An "SP" in Scientology is basically someone who is a danger to mankind and evil, simply because they label them as such.  Someone who speaks out against Scientology or any enemy of theirs is an "SP", but more importantly, it is a label meaning someone is very evil and a danger to mankind.  When they say "be declared" or "been declared" it means Scientology officially labeling as evil and dangerous.]

“That’s entheta.” The perfect thought-stopping phrase.  It means, “go no further, this is something dangerous, something you cannot read, listen to or discuss.” Anything critical of the Church is, of course, “entheta.” Anything critical of David Miscavige is, of course, “entheta.” Any complaint or negative comment is “entheta.” Scientologists know not to go there. They have, as Orwell put it, “the faculty of stopping short, as though by instinct, at the threshold of any dangerous thought.” “Did you see the St. Petersberg Times articles about beatings at Int?” “That’s entheta.” End of story.[Jeremy, this one stops you from thinking!  It stops you from using your own logic!  It's a "thought-stopper" or better known as a thought control mechanism!]

“He’s got overts.” The perfect phrase to dismiss anyone who is critical or who complains. You don’t have to listen to or understand their complaint. You don’t have to think about why they might be complaining. You don’t need to worry about possible conditions that might bring about complaints. The handy phrase explains everything, and you don’t have to think any more about it. [Overts = Sins, in a basic definition.  Insiders have been conditioned to believe that if someone complains they have transgressions and that is why they are disgruntled.]

“That’s Black PR.” Similar to “that’s entheta.” Any complaint about Scientology management or leaders is met with this phrase. And presto, you don’t have to give it any further thought. ["PR" like any other definition.  Black meaning negative, means negative or bad PR]

“It’s Command Intention.” I recall this being used internally among staff, and maybe it’s gotten out to public as well. It means “Don’t question or think about what you are being told to do.” A similar one is “It’s a COB Order.” [Command Intention basically means international management direction, COB means Chairman of the Board (David Miscavige) and all three mean the same thing.]

“He’s PTS.” Let me be clear – it’s one thing to study a person’s case, taking into account all factors, conclude that they are PTS, and do a PTS handling to try to better their life. It’s quite another to throw this phrase out as a cliché to avoid thinking too deeply about things. For example, when Rex Fowler, an OT VII, murdered his business partner, the first thing out of some people’s mouths was “he’s PTS.” Not based on any case study or knowledge, just thrown out there to avoid thinking too deeply about what it might mean for an OT VII, supposedly Cause Over Life, to murder someone. I heard the same thing when OT VIII Steve Brackett committed suicide: “He was PTS.” I’ve even heard the same phrase used to explain the entirety of current Scientology management: “they are all PTS.” Before you use a phrase like this, ask yourself, “am I just throwing this phrase out as a rationalization or excuse to avoid thinking about deeper issues?”[Sorry, "PTS" is a term hard to fast explain, but I'll reduce it quickly to mean someone who is under a lot of suppression and not acting rational in thoughts or behavior and Scientologists know that sort of person needs "handlings".]

“She pulled it in.” Too often used by Scientologists to avoid thinking about or empathizing with the misfortunes of others.

.

I hope you take the time to read Jeff’s blog and read this whole article.  This is one smart man who spent 35 years at the top of the Sea Org and I quite admire his intelligence and eloquence.  I read his book, and Jeremy, it’s amazing what this man did for Scientology, unthinkable sacrifices he made for the “cause” and how committed he stayed for 35 years!   In fact……the entire original Dianetics campaign of the 80′s …..was his doing.  Reading his story is so illuminating one has to be highly brainwashed not to realize there is much amiss.  Jeremy, there was so much we were not allowed to see, behind the scenes.  If public saw it, it’d be damning.

But you know, I maintain that you have the right to your own beliefs and religion.  You have the right to belong to any organization you want to belong to……as a free American.  Just because I no longer support Scientology doesn’t mean that I think you shouldn’t.  The thing I’m against is the dictatorship involved wherein you are forced to act as if I and your sister are dead!!!

That ONE point keeps me fighting.  You told me, “mom, fight this”.  That is what I am doing.  I’m fighting that they have the right to keep us separated just because I don’t want to belong to that organization anymore!  Honestly, if they would just stop that one suppressive act, I wouldn’t give them another two thoughts.  Our lives would go on as regular families and you could go on about your Scientology quest as you see fit.  It’s your right.

I love you.  Nothing will ever change that.
You are safe to communicate to me, I would never let them know you talked to me.
I know they are dangerous to your current life and comfort level with Sarah.
I wouldn’t harm you, Jeremy.  You do deserve to be happy too.
Some religions convince you that if you “do wrong” you’ll burn in hell
or something like that,
Scientology makes you believe that you’ll ruin your relationship
with your girlfriend if you don’t tell her everything.
Same logic.
Do you tell her everything now?
Honestly?  Everything?  I doubt it.
Has it ruined your relationship?
Can you pick up your phone and call me?  Or does she spy on you?
Three One Four – Five Five Eight – Two Three Zero Eight
or email me at
meshell.little at g mail dot com.

I leave you tonight with this assignment.  Read the “Creed of Scientology” and ask yourself if they are following it.  Think carefully about your answer, look at what has happened to me.  I’ve lost my child because I decided not to support them anymore, and because I dared to utter my beliefs to that fact.

Love Always,
Your Mother - 

You Can Do It

Look within.
And listen to your heart.
You can do it.

You can reach that goal.
You can make that new reality
instead of accepting things
the way they used to be.

You can do it.
All of our highest hopes are
with you.
Nothing will hold you back but
your own fears.

And if those fears were created
by you, they can be
dealt with by you…
and said good-bye to.

You can do it.
Say it to yourself, and believe it
in your heart.
Make every single day
a positive start
leading to a better and
bright tomorrow.

You can do it.
You really can.

-Alin Austin 

Don’t worry too much though, she will be okay.  She was badly shaken up and we are grateful she wasn’t seriously injured and is just very sore with lots of seat belt bruising and scratches.  Bless her heart, she keeps finding new places that hurt and for some reason she’s hurting more and more each day.  Yesterday she wasn’t able to raise her head up.

God, believe it or not, that car had brand new (like a month or so) tires, new rotors and brakes, a new battery and … lol … new windshield wipers!!!  Bad timing!  It’s caused a lot of trouble since we are now dealing with just one car and the insurance hasn’t paid on it yet.  Really a bummer having to wait.

We rented a Dodge Avenger for the week.  It’s a pretty cool car, but I like our Hyundai Santa Fe better!

I try hard not to think about how it would be if something truly serious happened and you were not allowed to speak to us.  I try not to think about how the Scientology organization wouldn’t allow you to even attend one of our funerals if we died!!!  You’d be “in trouble” and Sarah would leave you.  I try to hard to see how that truly makes sense.

Anyway, here are pics of her car.  Click on them and they will get larger.  We all love you, Jeremy – Love, Mom

Jeremy, do you recognize this lady?  You might not, because you didn’t go to a lot of events before I resigned – however 99% of all scientologists know who she is and probably didn’t even ask questions when she disappeared a couple years ago.  For as long as I can remember she has been a Flag Land Base “fixture”.  Every single Flag promotional video or event had her in it.  She is a long standing, high-ranking sea org member who at midnight New Years Eve – sent an email to close to 12 thousand (12,000) scientologists.  Please read this, as it comes straight from the heart of a person who you can believe WAY over Matt Hanses!!  - here is her email, unedited and complete:

Message from Debbie Cook
Dear friend,

I am emailing you as a friend and fellow Scientologist. As we enter a new year, it is hoped that 2012 can be a year of great dissemination and a year of real progress up The Bridge for all Scientologists.

Although I am not in the Sea Org right now, I served in the Sea Org at Flag for 29 years. 17 of those years were as Captain FSO. I am a trained auditor and C/S as well as an OEC, FEBC and DSEC.

I am completely dedicated to the technology of Dianetics and Scientology and the works of LRH. I have seen some of the most stunning and miraculous results in the application of LRH technology and I absolutely know it is worth fighting to keep it pure and unadulterated. 

My husband and I are in good standing and we are not connected with anyone who is not in good standing. We have steadfastly refused to speak to any media, even though many have contacted us.

But I do have some very serious concerns about out-KSW that I see permeating the Scientology religion. 

I have the utmost respect for the thousands of dedicated Scientologists and Sea Org members. Together, we have come through everything this world could throw at us and have some real impingement on the world around us. I am proud of our accomplishments and I know you are too. However there is no question that this new age of continuous fundraising is not our finest moment.

LRH says in HCO PL 9 Jan 51, An Essay on Management, “drop no curtains between the organization and the public about anything.” -LRH

Based on this policy I am communicating to you about some situations that we need to do something about within our religion, within our group. 
Actions that are either not covered in policy or directly violate LRH policy and tech include:

The extreme over-regging and fund-raising activities that have become so much a part of nearly every Sea Org org and Class V org as well as every “OT Committee” is not covered anywhere in LRH policy. 

Hardworking Sea Org members and the dedicated staff of orgs around the world aren’t choosing to do these actions. Nor are the OTs. I am sure they would be more than happy if they could just get on with direct dissemination of Scientology as they have done for so many years. 

But the truth is that this is being driven from the very highest echelons within the Scientology structure and clearly there is a lot of pressure to make targets that are being set. 

The IAS: The IAS was created unbeknownst to LRH in 1984 by Marc Yager and David Miscavige. This was supposed to be based on LRH policies on the subject of membership and the HASI, however the IAS is nothing like the membership system described by LRH which only has two memberships and is covered in HCO PL 22 March 1965 “Current Promotion and Org Program Summary, Membership Rundown” and states:

“There are two memberships…”- LRH

LRH lists there the INTERNATIONAL ANNUAL MEMBERSHIP and gives its cost at 10 pounds sterling or $30 US. He also lists a LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP which is priced at $75 US. There are no other memberships or statuses approved or known to LRH. Furthermore, membership monies are supposed to go directly to the org where the membership is signed up, and the money used for dissemination by that org, in that area. This is covered in HCOPL 1 Sept 1965R Membership Policies.
“It all goes into the HCO Book Account in the area where the membership is brought and is not part of the organization’s weekly gross income. Membership monies go to dissemination”.- LRH

Currently membership monies are held as Int reserves and have grown to well in excess of a billion dollars. Only a tiny fraction has ever been spent, in violation of the policy above. Only the interest earned from the holdings have been used very sparingly to fund projects through grants. In fact many of the activities you see at IAS events are not actually funded by the IAS, but rather by the Scientologists involved. 

Think about it, how many ads disseminating Scientology, Dianetics or any Scn affiliated programs have you seen on TV? Heard on the radio? Seen in newspapers? I haven’t seen one in the 4 years I have lived in San Antonio, Texas, the 7th largest city in the US. How many have you seen?

Donating anything more than a lifetime membership to the IAS is not based on LRH policy. The article “What Your Donations Buy” (The Auditor, The Monthly Journal of Scientology No. 51, 1970) is clearly talking about how the church uses your donations for Dianetics and Scientology services. Next time you are asked to donate outside of services, realize that you are engaged in fundraising and ask to see something in writing from L. Ron Hubbard that this is something he expects from you as a Scientologist. 

New Org Buildings: LRH also never directed the purchase of opulent buildings or the posh renovations or furnishings for every org.In fact, if you read HCO PL 12 March 75 Issue II, “The Ideal Org”, which is what this program has been called, and nowhere in it will you find 20 million dollar buildings or even any reference to the poshness of org premises at all as part of LRH’s description of an “Ideal Org”. Instead, an Ideal Org was one that delivered and moved people up The Bridge – something that is not part of this “Ideal Org” program.

LRH says in the PL that an Ideal Org: “would be clean and attractive enough not to repel its public” – LRH. This is all it says about the state of the building.

As a result of this off-policy alteration of the Ideal Org PL, we have the majority of top OTs, now deemed “OT Ambassadors”, heavily engaged in fund-raising activities that include “bingo”, “pirate dinners”, “knitting classes”, “hay rides”, and many other activities strictly revolving around raising funds for the required multi-millions of dollars to fund their “Ideal Org”. As part of this, people around every org are now asked to donate to their local “Ideal Org” instead of their own services or their own Bridge. 

LRH says in HCO PL Org Ethics and Tech: “GET RID OF DISTRACTIONS FROM SCIENTOLOGY in your org. Baby-sitting or raffle tickets and such nonsense.” 
Yet these distractions are rampant as they are being used as fund-raisers to get money for the huge quotas being issued to fund the “Ideal Org”.

“If the org slumps… don’t engage in ‘fund-raising’ or ‘selling postcards’ or borrowing money. Just make more income with Scientology.
It’s a sign of very poor management to seek extraordinary solutions for finance outside Scientology. It has always failed.”
“For orgs as for pcs, ‘Solve It With Scientology’.
“Every time I myself have sought to solve financial or personnel in other ways than Scientology I have lost out. So I can tell you from experience that org solvency lies in more Scientology, not patented combs or fund-raising barbeques.”
HCO PL 24 February 1964, Issue II, Org Programming, (OEC Vol. 7, p. 930)

The point is that Scientologists and OT’s need to be training, auditing and disseminating to raw public- not regging each other or holding internal fundraisers.

Out Tech: Over the last few years we have seen literally hundreds and hundreds of people who were validated as clear using the CCRD as developed by LRH now being told they are not Clear. This included hundreds of OTs who were then put onto NED as a “handling”. LRH clearly forbid any Dianetics to be run on OTs in HCOB “Dianetics Forbidden on OTs”. This is out tech. This entire technical “handling” was directed personally by COB RTC and was done on thousands of OTs. But it was based not on an LRH HCO Bulletin, but rather based on a single C/S instruction where LRH C/Sed one pre-OT who had not achieved the state of clear but was mid OT III and not making it. LRH directed a solo handling that the pre-OT was to do to get himself to achieve the state of Clear. This LRH C/S taken out of context was then used to implement a technical handling that was in direct violation of an LRH HCOB.

This and other “technical handlings” done on Solo NOTs auditors created great expense and hardship on Solo NOTs auditors around the world as they were made to do these handlings to continue on the level.

Then there are the “fast grades at Flag” that no other org has. How can it be that Flag has been delivering grades differently to the rest of the world for the last 3 years? Whatever the problem is, the fact is that having “fast Grades” at Flag creates a hidden data line and is a HIGH CRIME and the subject of an entire policy letter called “TECH DEGRADES” which LRH has placed at the start of every Scientology course.

More recently the fad seems to be that nearly everyone needs to “re-do their Purif and do a long objectives program”, including many OTs mid Solo NOTs.
There is nothing wrong with doing objectives, but it is a clear violation of HCOB ‘MIXING RUNDOWNS AND REPAIRS” to have a person mid a rundown or OT level be taken off it and placed on an objectives program. 

Solo NOTs auditors are also being made to get their objectives from a Class IX auditor at great expense as they are not being allowed to co-audit.

Flag has made many millions of dollars on the above listed out tech handlings because OTs mid Solo NOTs are forced to get these out-tech actions to be able to get back onto and stay on the level and complete it. Not to mention the spiritual effects of the out tech that this has on each OT.

I myself was subject to these out tech “handlings”, including extensive FPRD mid Solo NOTs. It took its toll in many ways, including physical situations I am still dealing with today. So I have some reality of the hardship caused.

LRH Command Structure: LRH left us with a complex and balanced command structure, with our orgs led by the Office of ED International. This office was considered so important that LRH created a special management group called the Watch Dog Committee whose only purpose was to see that this office and the other needed layers of management existed. LRH ED 339R speaks of this extensively as the protection for our Church. But these people are missing. And not just some. As of just a few years ago there were no members of the office of ED Int on post, not to mention top execs throughout the International Management structure.

You may have also wondered… where is Heber, the President of the Church? What about Ray Mitthoff, Senior C/S International, the one that LRH personally turned over the upper OT Levels to? How about Norman Starkey, LRH’s Trustee? What happened to Guillaume – Executive Director International? And Marc Yeager, the WDC Chairman? What happened to the other International Management executives that you have seen at events over the years? 

The truth is that I spent weeks working in the empty International Management building at Int. Empty because everyone had been removed from post. When I first went up lines I was briefed extensively by David Miscavige about how bad all of them were and how they had done many things that were all very discreditable. This seemed to “explain” the fact that the entirety of the Watchdog Committee no longer existed. 

The entirety of the Executive Strata, which consisted of ED International and 11 other top International executives that were the top executives in their particular fields, no longer existed. That the Commodore’s Messenger Org International no longer existed. All of these key command structures of Scientology International, put there by LRH, had been removed.There were hundreds and hundreds of unanswered letters and requests for help from org staff, written based on LRH ED 339R where LRH says that staff can write to these top executives in the Exec Strata for help. But this is not possible if all these execs have been removed and no one is there to help them or to get evaluations and programming done to expand Scientology. 

Well, after that I got to spend some quality time with Heber, Ray Mithoff, Norman Starkey, Guillaume, as well as the entirety of International Management at the time, who were all off post and doing very long and harsh ethics programs. These have gone on for years and to the only result of that they are still off post. There is no denying that these top executives have all gradually disappeared from the scene. You don’t see them at the big events anymore or on the ship at Maiden Voyage. 

David Miscavige has now become the “leader” of the Scientology religion. Yet what LRH left behind was a huge structure to properly manage all aspects of the Scientology religion. He put a complete and brilliant organizational structure there, not one individual. There never was supposed to be a “leader” other than LRH himself as the goal maker for our group. 

There is a situation here and even if you have not been to the International Management Base you should be able to see that over regging and frequent tech changes are not OK and you have a responsibility to do something to Keep Scientology Working. You should be able to find and read the references on membership in OEC Volume 6. Find and read the HCO PL entitled “The Ideal Org” (Data Series 40). Find and read the references on org buildings, including HCO PL 24 Aug 65 II, Cleanliness of Quarters and Staff, Improve our Image. Also, HCO PL 17 June 69, The Org Image. 

If you don’t want to make waves or put yourself in danger of being taken off the level or denied eligibility, then there are some simple things you can do. First and foremost, withdraw your support from off policy actions. Stop donating to anything other than your own services and actual Bridge progress. Simply demand to see an LRH reference that says you are required to make other such donations. No one will be able to produce any references because there aren’t any. 

Stop supporting any of the activities that are being done to forward off-policy fund-raising in your area. 

LRH says what he expects of a Scientologist – that is what he expects you to do. In fact he put it in HCOB 10 June 1960 Issue I, Keeping Scientology Working Series 33, WHAT WE EXPECT OF A SCIENTOLOGIST. Read it and follow it. 

The other thing you can do is to send this email to as many others as you can, even if you do it anonymously.

Please keep this email among us, the Scientologists. The media have no place in this. You may wonder why I have not written a KR and gone about my business. The answer is, I have. But there is no longer anyone to send that KR to. 

But you can and should write reports and bring off-policy to the attention of local org executives and local Sea org members.

We are a strong and powerful group and we can affect a change. We have weathered many storms. I am sorry that I am the one telling you, but a new storm is upon us. Its waves are already in the media and the world around us. 

The truth is that as a Scientologist you are more able, more perceptive and have a higher integrity. Scientology is supposed to make you “think for yourself” and never compromise your own integrity. And most certainly LRH held every Scientologist responsible to KEEP SCIENTOLOGY WORKING. 

I am not trying to do anything other than affect a change in serious off policy actions occurring. My husband and I have most of our family and many many good friends who are Scientologists. I have not been real interested in sticking my neck out like this. However, I also know that I dedicated my entire adult life to supporting LRH and the application of LRH technology and if I ever had to look LRH in the eye I wouldn’t be able to say I did everything I could to Keep Scientology Working if I didn’t do something about it now.

We all have a stake in this. It is simply not possible to read the LRH references and not see the alterations and violations that are currently occurring. You have a very simple obligation to LRH. Don’t participate in anything off policy, and let others know they should not either. If every person who reads this email does nothing more than step back from off-policy actions we would have changed direction. If we took all that energy and directed it into auditing, training and raw public dissemination, we would be winning. 
And that is what I wish for you and all of us as we ring in this new year.

ARC,

Debbie Cook

At this point, I must point out a few things Jeremy.  This woman was highly trained and ran Flag, as the CAPTAIN (a really big freakin’ deal, Jeremy) for 17 of her 29 years in the sea org!  In case you don’t think she wrote this, go see her Facebook page!!!!

She walked away due to THE SAME REASONS we left.

Her report is nearly word-for-word what my resignation letter said, although a bit shorter.  Like me, she realized that knowledge reports or trying to get the corruption handled from the inside was futile!

Now, Jeremy – SHE will be featured in Ellen Forney’s “dead agent” magazines!!  There will be booklets issues from the inside exposing all her confidential session/ethics data and every error or mistake she ever made!!!!  (SAME AS THEY DID TO YOUR GRANDMA and us).  Ha!  She will now be featured in the Freedom Magazine!  Guaranteed.  They will twist it up and make it look evil like any mistake she ever made was actual evil and intended.  I’m positive it will contain more lies than truth, as I have not seen one yet that didn’t!

She will now be ripped to shreds by the organization.  All the “insiders” who don’t follow her in protesting will be instructed not to associate with her in any form going forward!

Jeremy, my precious son, people much more important than me (who were inside the world of Scientology), are continuing to walk away with the same reasons I did.  You are just not hearing about it.  Compare what you’ve just read to this………consider what you know about Matt Hanses, Chad Lane, Barry Coziahr – Carla, Amy….heck, John Lyman…… if any one of those finally saw the light and followed Debbie Cook out the door and to the carpet to call out the situation – what would you do?

What would you think?

Would you believe the pages of goldenrod paper telling you how evil they are?

Would you believe that it is now officially wrong for you to ever speak to, say Matt Hanses or Chad again?

Jeremy – who will be the last man standing?

If everyone on the inside turns their back on those who are standing up for LRH, who will be left?  Who will be followed?

Jeremy, highly recognized person after person is doing exactly what your grandma, Jim, Heather, and I – along with Debbie Cook – did.  What else can be done if the corruption is on the inside and at the TOP?  

What else can be done????  

Don’t believe me, read one more —– grab your coffee and smokes and be prepared to be met with all LRH references that back up this “movement”.   This next one will blow your mind…it’s from a “gold sealed ethics specialist”, new OTVIII, patron of the IAS, founding member of super power blah blah blah…. on and on:

Mr. David Miscavige, COB RTC <———–                                                November 6^th, 2010

______________________________________

Luis A. Garcia, Public Scientologist

Mr. Miscavige,

My name is Luis Garcia. I became a member of the Church of Scientology in 1982 at Orange County, CA. From the very first moment, I developed an intense interest in reading, studying, learning, and applying the teachings of Mr. L. Ron Hubbard. I wanted to go up The Bridge, and

I wanted to help others do so as well.

Throughout the years, I have taken many courses and received a lot of auditing, becoming an interned Class IV auditor, a Gold Seal Ethics Specialist, a graduate of the PTS/SP course, and also completed the Basics Book and Lectures among numerous other courses. I am New OT VIII, a Patron of the IAS, a Founding Member of Super Power, a Gold Humanitarian of the Orange County Org, a Supporter of ASI and a contributor to many other Orgs, libraries, causes and projects.

I have learned much and I have had great gains from my involvement with Scientology. I have the utmost respect and gratitude to LRH, and to all the staff across the globe that selflessly dedicate their lives to help others, and the many devoted public who have helped so much.

I am first and foremost a Scientologist; i.e.: “One who betters the conditions of himself and the conditions of others by using Scientology technology.” – LRH, Aud 73.

I have made it a practice to adopt stable data as I learned them in Scientology and found them to be workable and true. One stable datum I adopted early on from The Code of Honor is: “Never compromise with your own reality.”

Another one, is: “Look, don’t listen.”

I took these and many other data to heart and I used them as guiding posts in my travels through Life.

“WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU is what you have observed yourself.
And when you lose that, you have lost everything.

What is personal integrity?
Personal integrity is knowing what you know —
…And to have the courage to know and say what you have observed.

… And sufficient personal belief and confidence in self
And courage that we can observe what we observe
And say what we have observed.

Nothing in Dianetics and Scientology is true for you
Unless you have observed it
And it is true according to your observation.
That is all.”

Ability, Issue 125
February 1961
(Tech Vol. VI, p. 23)

In following the above I must state I have found Scientology to be true. I have found LRH to speak the truth. I have also found to be true hundreds, yes hundreds, of horror stories I have heard and read about from current and former members of our church, telling a sad tale of abuse, alteration and misapplication of the Tech, heavy-handed ethics, malfeasance, lies, out-ethics, extortion, blackmail, harassment, enforced realities and just plain viciousness.

I too have experienced my own “horror story” with the church, which I will not bother to elaborate on as it pales in comparison to others’ experiences. Furthermore, as CAUSE that I am, I take responsibility for it happening in the first place. My communication to you today is more about an objective view of the current state of affairs in our church.

As I understand it, you are the complete leader and decision maker for our church. I also understand that all projects, programs, etc., are under your direct control and that you order and approve all of them. In other words, you run everything in the church.  Every Scientologist knows without a doubt you are The Boss.

This is an important point, because as LRH said: “The primary aberration in situations that are being mishandled is: The person is unable to recognize Source.” HCO PL 23 April 1965, Issue 3, Problems.

Well, I do recognize you as Source. Not as Source of Scientology, of course. But as Source of everything that is happening with the church today. Here are some points:

1.  The Ideal Org strategy is flawed and it is in violation of LRH’s policy.

Public all over the world are being pushed to donate, in many cases beyond their means, for the purchase of large and expensive buildings and their lavish renovations. This is wrong on so many fronts it is appalling.

1.     This violates the three conditions of existence, BE, DO, HAVE, and it creates a must-have before we can do or be. I often read promo promising “the Ideal Org will boom the Org.” This is just not true and it is observable at the existing Ideal Orgs, which have not expanded in terms of new public, more students and more PCs.

2.     The Ideal Org strategy shifts the focus of importance from Service to a building.

3.     The Ideal Org strategy extracts “donations” from public, reducing their resources and ability to donate for their own Bridge. In many extreme cases, they end up saddled with a huge debt that totally removes any hope of ever being able to “go OT.”

4.     “All Orgs must go Ideal” even violates the most basic and common sense principles of business. Many of the Orgs are not viable, have not enough staff, nor students or PCs, and are, quite obviously, floundering and empty of public. Yet, they are being ordered to expand into quarters much larger and much more expensive to maintain, before they have the natural need to expand into larger quarters.

Case in point, my own Org, Orange County, has paid $2,500 in property taxes annually. Since the new “Ideal Org” building was purchased in 2006, they have been paying over $65,000. And the building is still empty, as “more funds are needed to renovate it.” When the projected $7.5 million is spent on the renovations, the property taxes will go up to about $140,000 annually. This is a 5,600% increase of just this one expense, but in addition they will have much higher utilities and maintenance bills.

These are some LRH references on this matter, which I am sure you are familiar with, but choose to ignore:

“We own a tremendous amount of property. We own a tremendous amount of material, and so forth. And it keeps growing. But that’s not important.

When buildings get important to us, for God’s sake, some of you born revolutionists, will you please blow up central headquarters.

…

Don’t get interested in real estate. Don’t get interested in the masses of buildings, because that’s not important.”

Tape: The Genus of Scientology
Anatomy of the Human Mind Congress
31 December 1960

“…In twenty years an enormous amount of experience has been gained regarding the quarters and housing of orgs. From this experience there are only a few clear-cut lessons. These follow:

“A. VIABILITY of the org… is the first and foremost consideration… not how posh or what repute or what image.”

“C. Image is a secondary consideration.”

HCO PL 23 Sept 1970 

Quarters, Policy Regarding – Historical

“…So little by little, using donations you give us for your service, your training and your processing, we create little by little areas of sanity.”

LRH The Auditor #51, 1970

What Your Donations Buy 

“If the org slumps… don’t engage in ‘fund-raising’ or ‘selling postcards’ or borrowing money.

Just make more income with Scientology.

It’s a sign of very poor management to seek extraordinary solutions for finance outside Scientology.  It has always failed.
“For orgs as for pcs, ‘Solve It With Scientology’.

Every time I myself have sought to solve financial or personnel in other ways than Scientology I have lost out. So I can tell you from experience that org solvency lies in More Scientology, not patented combs or fund-raising barbeques.”

HCO PL 24 February 1964, Issue II
Org Programming
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 930)

2.  You are lying to the public with stories of “Unprecedented Expansion” by using squirrel stats in violation of LRH’s policy.

LRH emphasized time and again that there is only one way to gauge the expansion of Scientology:

“The most direct observation in an org (or a country) is statistics. These tell of production. They measure what is done.

It cannot be said too often that management is best done by statistics.

…Run only by statistics.”

HCO PL 5 February 1970
Statistics, Management by
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 514)

“Stat management is the only kind of management you can do on a production scene. Management by statistics was brought to a fine art in Scientology admin tech. To discredit it is, of course, to court failure.

HCO PL 20 September 1976-1
Org Series 35-1, Stat Push Clarified
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 696)

“By actual experience working and managing in many activities, I can state flatly that the most dangerous worker-manager thing to do is to work or manage from something else than statistics.”

HCO PL 7 July 1970
Data Series 14, Working and Managing
(OEC Management Series Vol. 1, p. 68)

“Therefore the only organization that is a sound organization is one WHOSE EVERY ACTIVITY can be tabulated by statistics.”

HCO PL 13 March 1965, Issue III
The Structure of Organization—What Is Policy
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 660)

“NEVER RUN OR MANAGE BY ANYTHING BUT STATS.”

HCO PL 15 April 1982, Issue II
Finance Series 29, The Counting of Gross Income
(OEC Management Series Vol. 2, p. 374)

LRH clearly lays out the 2 major stats for Scientology Orgs:

“Orgs have only 2 major final valuable products. One is well-trained auditors. The other is satisfied pcs.
…Tech and Admin policy exist only to assist making these two products IN VOLUME.”

LRH ED 131 INT
Life Repair Block
8 December 1970
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 145)

“The product of an org is well-taught students and thoroughly audited pcs.”

HCO PL 17 June 1970RB
KSW Series 5R, Technical Degrades
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 14)

“The individual statistic of any organization (except SH) is:

HOW MANY TRAINED AUDITORS EXIST IN ITS AREA.

The individual statistic of Saint Hill is:

HOW MANY TRAINED AUDITORS ARE THERE IN THE WORLD.”

HCO PL 4 October 1967, Issue I
Auditor and Org Individual Stats
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 118)

The training of auditors is, therefore, the single most important activity in Scientology, and its statistic is the single strongest indicator of the success or failure of Scientology management. But you don’t give any stats on these!

LRH also spells out, in numerous policies and bulletins, why auditor training is the senior product of all orgs and a must for all Scientologists:

“When you, as an auditor, accomplish your mission with a single preclear, you increase your confidence and your general ability, you increase your capability and what you can do for the universe at large and you win.”

                 The Auditor, 1968
                 You As An Auditor
                 (Tech Vol. VIII, p. 169)

“Getting to be an excellent auditor is a must if one merely wishes to live. But one dynamic isn’t enough. It takes all the dynamics to make a freedom. Therefore, to be Clear is not enough. To be a cleared auditor and to handle and audit people is a must if we wish to be totally free.”

                 Ability Mag., Issue #72
                 Late April, 1958
                 (Tech Vol. IV, p. 329)
“As an auditor you can do something about life, you can confront it and have a much wider, broader view of life and people than any person, regardless of their state of case, who is not an auditor.”

The Auditor, 1968
You As An Auditor
(Tech Vol. VIII, p. 169)

“It is surely, surely true that nobody will make OT without training.”

HCO P/L 17 March 1965 Issue I
Clearing and Training
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 614)

The system you replace it with is made up of unquantifiable generalities (“broad-scale impact out there”, “every ethnic, religious, and national concern on Earth”), and therefore cannot be managed by an actual statistic. 

“Even the manner in which we gauge our expansion has utterly changed. In previous years it focused on our internal statistics. Today our expansion is measured by broad-scale impact out there, helping cities, states, and entire nations.”

IAS 21st Anniversary celebration, 2005
(reprinted in Impact issue #112, p. 52)

“Our expansion is no longer gauged by what takes place inside our churches. Rather, our expansion is now such that it is gauged across every ethnic, religious, and national concern on Earth.”

LRH Birthday Celebration; March 2006 
(reprinted in Scientology News, issue #33, p. 48)

Thus, according to you, LRH’s way of measuring expansion (“internal statistics”) is now old and no longer used.

You have introduced a wide array of new statistics to Scientology. These are often highlighted at events, along with large graphs of “highest evers,” as evidence of Scientology’s “expansion.” Some of these stats, as featured in Scientology News issues # 33 through#40, include:

“People helped”
“Hours on OT projects”
“Ideal Org Fundraising”
“Volunteer hours in building orgs”
“Population of cities with new groups”
“Number of citizens aware of Human Rights”
“Shopping Malls playing our Human Rights PSAs”
“Number of dirt particles removed during film restoration”
“Number of miles of distraction-free voyages”
“Number of terabytes of processing memory”
“Inches of press”
“Square feet of book cover cloth”
“Feet of lamination”

You have also invented some “Future stats” and this is, of course, a contradiction in terms, since statistics by definition measure production already done:

“A statistic is a number or amount compared to an earlier number or amount of the same thing. Statistics refer to the quantity of work done or the value of it in money.

A down statistic means that the current number is less than it was.

An up statistic means the current number is more than it was.

We operate on statistics.”

HCO PL 16 December 1965, Issue II
Organization of the Int Exec Division—Statistics of the International Executive Division
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 89)

LRH on future stats:

“When you first inspect an area for products, you just look… Don’t listen to how they are going to get 150 products; just look and walk around with a clipboard…

“…If you don’t see receipts for 150 shipped products, they don’t exist and never have… Products that are only in people’s heads don’t exist.

Dreams are nice—in fact they are essential in life—but they have to be materialized into the physical universe before they exist as products.”

HCOB 23 August 1979R
Issue III Product Debug Series 1R—Debug Tech
(Tech Vol. XI, p. 507)

At nearly every international event of recent times, you have touted what can only be called “future stats.” Usually stated in reference to some new Ideal Org, your wording has included “potential for…”, “can fit up to…”, “will be able to handle…”, and “with a capacity exceeding…”

Example: “The new test center for Tampa Org can handle 155 raw public at any given time.”

3.  You have created organizational chaos by double-hatting every staff member in violation of LRH’s policy.

Following the release of the Golden Age of Knowledge in March, 2005, you gave every staff and Sea Org member a stiff quota for the selling of Congresses to the public.

You then increased the pressure to sell exponentially after the release of the Basics at the Maiden Voyage Anniversary Event in June 2007.

As Public Scientologists, we found ourselves inundated with phone calls and unexpected visits to our homes by staff members, including in some instances by our own auditors and MAAs. I even received a “request” to meet with the Vice President of CSI for a “confidential” briefing, which turned out to be an attempt to sell me yet more Basics packages. Similarly, I received numerous phone calls from the Freewinds; in one call the phone was passed from person to person as in a production line, as I kept on declining the “invitation” to donate; and when it finally got to the end of the line, it was the CO herself trying to get me to donate to the Library campaign.

The net effect of this new tactic has been the transforming of every Scientology staff member, from the top of the org board on down, into a reg.

The above is in direct violation of several LRH policies:

“Organization consists of certain people doing certain jobs.

Disorganization consists of each person wearing all hats regardless of assignment.

In a smooth organization that runs well and succeeds

EACH PERSON WEARS HIS OWN ASSIGNED HAT.

…SO LONG AS EACH KNOWS AND WEARS AND WORKS AT HIS OWN HAT ONLY, THINGS WILL BE SMOOTH.”

HCO PL 1 July 1965, Issue III
Hats, The Reason For
(OEC Vol 0, p. 196)

“If you want a higher level of dissemination and a higher unit or salary, the way to obtain them is simple.

1. Do your own job.
2. Insist that the other staff member do his—but don’t do it for him or her.

Even if an executive asks you to do somebody else’s job—don’t. Say, instead, “Am I transferred?” If the answer is no, tell him to get lost. I’ll back you up.”

HCO PL 11 April 1961
How To Do a Staff Job
(OEC Vol 0, p. 232)

4.  You have squelched the self-determinism of Scientologists in violation of LRH’s policy.

Since the earliest days of Dianetics and Scientology, LRH has emphasized integrity and self-determinism as qualities central to a being. After LRH’s departure in the mid 1980s, however, more and more actions once considered a matter of personal choice became the object of orders and threats.

Following your inspection of the Solo NOTs line at Flag in 2005, and again in 2006, a series of FSO EDs were published. Each added a new item to the growing list of “mandatory”s, especially for Solo NOTs auditors:

1) Mandatory event attendance:

“Flag Scientologists are counted upon to attend all International Scientology events—no exceptions.”

FSO ED 8763
17 April 2007

2) Mandatory FSMing:

“Get 2 people onto Solo NOTs. When at Flag for your six-month check, you will be asked about this by your MAA and what we are looking for is compliance.”

FSO ED 8782
24 May 2007

3) Mandatory IAS Patron status:

“That’s why…you must become a PATRON OF THE INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF SCIENTOLOGISTS. This is the minimum expected status.”

FSO ED 8432
18 January 2006

These are in addition to previous orders for mandatory OT Committee membership and mandatory Ideal Org participation.

The actual ethical requirements for Clears and OTs are covered in such policies as An Open Letter to All Clears and OT Courses. Neither these nor any other LRH reference tell the pre-OT how he must contribute in order to be eligible for OT Levels. By issuing these and other “mandatory”s you actually invalidated those of us who willingly were contributing.

Furthermore, you made it a crime for OTs not to attend the International events.

LRH states:

“… if a person is doing his job…ethics is considered to be in and the person is protected by Ethics.”

HCO PL 1 September 1965, Issue VII
Ethics Protection
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 502)

“Orders only occur where responsibility has failed.”

HCO PL 23 January 1968
Orders and Responsibility
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 139)

5.  You have burdened OTs with excessive and unwarranted eligibilities and sec-checks in violation of LRH policy.

You invented the six-month refreshers for Solo NOTs auditors in which everyone gets sec-checked. This is a blanket C/S for all the people on Solo NOTs and violates the following LRH policy:

 “Because it has not been previously specified whether Confessionals could be done during the Non-Interference Zone, it tended to leave the matter open to interpretation, and a common interpretation has been that one must not do any kind of Confessional or O/W pulling during the Non-Interference Zone.

But what about a case who is out-ethics and not making progress due to continuous overts and withholds or, even worse, undisclosed overts or crimes against Scientology? Such a case won’t make any progress until these are gotten off.

A person who is NCG, nattery, critical or otherwise exhibiting O/Ws or out ethics must be handled so that he can make case gains.

CAUTION

A pre-OT who is running well and making case gain should not be interrupted”

HCOB 8 March 1982

Confessionals nd The Non Interference Zone.

When pre-OTs that are running well and making case gain on Solo NOTs get interrupted and pulled in to FLAG for a “refresher,” at a great cost I may add, the purpose of HCO Sec Checks and the principle of inspection before the fact are also violated:

 “The statement ‘I am not auditing you’ only occurs when a Confessional is done for justice reasons… (By ‘justice reasons’ is meant when a person is refusing to come clean on a Comm Ev, B of I, etc., or as part of a specific HCO investigation when the person is withholding data or evidence from such HCO personnel).”

HCOB 30 November 78R
Confessional Procedure
(Tech Vol. XI, p. 359)

“The basic flaw in organization is INSPECTION BEFORE THE FACT. That means inspection before anything bad has happened.

Violations are so harmful that they destroy every great civilization — the Roman, the British, the lot. For every flow is slowed or stopped.

…Passports, customs, safety regulations, general government interference before anything bad has occurred, add up to a SUPPRESSIVE SOCIETY and therefore, soon enough, a dead one.

Penalty after the fact has occurred disciplines the criminals and does not pull down the majority to criminal level.”

HCO PL 6 February 1968
Organization–The Flaw
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 66)

6.  You have degraded Study Tech in violation of LRH policy.

There is extensive data on the subject of study and we all understand the importance of applying it properly and leaving no misunderstood words in our studies. LRH states:

“To clear a word, one looks it up in a good dictionary.”

HCOB 23 March 1978RB
Word Clearing Series 59—Clearing Words
(Tech Vol. XI, p. 95)

“Any word you come across which fits one or more of the above definitions of a misunderstood word or symbol must be cleared up, using a good-sized dictionary or more than one dictionary or textbook or encyclopedia.”

HCOB 17 July 1979RB, Issue I
Word Clearing Series 64RB—The Misunderstood Word Defined
(Subject Vol. 2, p. 315)

“A Supervisor who…lets students study without dictionaries and demo kits…and does not fully apply study tech and use Word Clearing is of course suppressive and should be declared, as he is actively blocking Scientologists from having and benefiting from Scientology.”

HCO PL 30 October 1978R
Courses, Their Ideal Scene
(OEC Vol. IV, p. 424)

You however, know better, of course:

“These glossaries are so good, you don’t even need a dictionary.”

On the release of the Congresses at the LRH Birthday celebration, March 13, 2005; same claim repeated at the Basics release, June 2007.

7.  You have ordered FLAG to engage in delivery of the lower grades in violation of LRH policy.

It has been know for a while that Missions feed the Orgs, the Orgs feed the AOs, and then there is FLAG, where public arrive to receive their upper Bridge. You have ordered the massive promotion, selling and delivery of Lower Grades at FLAG, bypassing and ripping off Orgs in the process. Furthermore, the main promo button used in this is the speed of delivery at FLAG, which is a technical degrade.

Here is a quotation from a widely-circulated Flag official promotion:

From: Stephanie & Charlie Bills [mailto:flagconsultantfsceus@earthlink.net]
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:48 PM
To: flagconsultantfsceus@earthlink.net
Subject: Completed Grade II, III and IV and started L11 in 10 Days.

Kathy Lackey came to Flag on 4 July 2009 ready to start Grade II. She was gotten right into session and completed Grade II on 8 July.

She then completed Grade III on 10 July.

And by 14 July (just 10 days after arriving to Flag) she completed Grade IV and started her L’s!!!

This is what LRH says:

“Within 5 years after the issue of this PL, with me off the lines, violation had almost destroyed orgs. ‘Quickie grades’ entered in and denied gain to tens of thousands of cases. Therefore actions which neglect or violate this policy letter are HIGH CRIMES resulting in Comm Evs on ADMINSTRATORS and EXECUTIVES.”

HCO PL 7 Feb 1965

Keeping Scientology Working.

And:

“A condition of TREASON or cancellation of certificates or dismissal and a full investigation of the background of any person found guilty will be activated in the case of anyone committing the following HIGH CRIMES…

8. Boasting as to speed of delivery in a session, such as “I put in Grade 0 in 3 minutes”, etc.

9. Shortening time of application of auditing for financial or labor-saving considerations…

The puzzle of the decline of the entire Scientology network in the late 60s is entirely answered by the actions taken to shorten time in study and in processing by deleting materials and actions.”

HCO PL 17 June 1970RB

Technical Degrades

Soon after, you also ordered the promotion, sale and delivery of TRs and Objectives Co-audits. The latest FLAG Land Base magazine boasts:

“Delivery is out the roof! With over 250 students co-auditing, producing over 1,700 auditing hours each week…”

Meanwhile, such co-audits in my Org are virtually non-existent.

8.  You have arbitrarily added prerequisite courses to Auditor training lengthening the time it takes to produce auditors in violation of LRH policy.

When you announced the release of the new Professional TRs Course you also made it a prerequisite for all Academy training. This is just the first in a growing list of prerequisites to auditor training. Others to follow include the new Upper Indocs Course (1991), the new Pro Metering Course (1996), and the Basics (2007).

The effects of an increasingly elongated runway to auditor training are well covered by LRH:

“We’ve had the datum for some time that a student too long on the runway is going to lose the spark and zeal he started out with.”

“New, shorter Level 0-IV checksheets have just been issued. Each checksheet has been stripped down to the key materials the student needs in order to audit that level. Starrates and twin checkouts are not given on these courses.

“The emphasis is on the basics, with tough drilling of the student on the skills of the level he’s studying—and then getting him in the chair!”

LRH ED 299 INT
28 September 1978
The End of Endless Training
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 419)

9.  You invented the “Golden Age of Tech” in violation of LRH policy.

In 1996, with training statistics already faltering worldwide, you released your first major solution to the problem — the Golden Age of Tech. It was here that you announced your now-famous Why: 
“The blind have been leading the blind.” 

This Why denigrates earlier training, even though the tens of thousands of staff and public who trained during this time period did so on LRH-written (or LRH-approved) checksheets — often with LRH directly on the line.

To this day, you continue to characterize auditors trained prior to 1996 as blind, lost, and deficient in their understanding of Scientology, including the ones trained by LRH.

LRH, however, felt otherwise:

“Excellent auditor training is now in the reach of every Academy.”

HCO PL 26 May 1961 Issue II
KSW Series 2, Quality Counts
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 16)

“With what we know now, there is no student we enroll who cannot be properly trained.”

HCO /L 7 February 1965
Keeping Scientology Working
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 7)

“It takes me about 3 or 4 weeks to get an auditor through his course and doing a good flubless job.”

HCOB 16 August 1972
C/S Series 84, Flubless C/Sing
(Tech Vol. X, p. 198)

“The extremely high caliber of auditor we are turning out is causing gasps of amazement whenever these fine graduates return into an area.”

HCOB 8 March 1962
The Bad “Auditor”
(Tech Vol. VI, p. 452)

“…The vast majority of auditors have a high professional conscience and are willing to study, drill and do everything possible to perfect their tech.”

HCOB 22 January 1977
KSW Series 21, In-Tech, The Only Way to Achieve It
(Tech Vol. XI, p. 13)

“Auditors do by and large a pretty fine job.”

HCOB 22 July 1963 Issue III
Org Technical HGC Processes and Training
(Tech Vol. VII, p. 236)

“We are and always have been in the business of training auditors. We can now do so more swiftly and efficiently than ever.”

LRH ED 299 INT, 28 September 1978
The End of Endless Training
(OEC Vol 4, pg 419)

As part of this release, through leading questions and cherry-picked definitions of key words, and by using only one definition of the F/N among the numerous ones there are, we were, for the first time since the development of the meter, led to the understanding that a real F/N must swing at least three times. This definition does not occur anywhere in LRH materials.

“A floating needle is a rhythmic sweep of the dial at a slow, even pace of the needle.

“That’s what an F/N is. No other definition is correct.”

HCOB 21 July 1978
What Is a Floating Needle
(Tech Vol XI, p. 204)

“One does not sit and study and be sure of an “F/N.” It swings or pops, he lets the pc cognite and then indicates the F/N to the pc, preventing overrun.”

HCOB 21 October 1968R
Floating Needles
(Tech Vol. VIII, p. 258)

This alteration is insidious in the extreme, as auditors worldwide will bypass countless valid F/Ns causing overrun and untold upset. I myself can attest to the frustration of endless eligibilities and my inability to F/N a question I knew to be clean. This alone will interiorize PCs and pre-OTs, will create bypassed charge and will trigger longer auditing requiring many repairs and their consequent intensives.

Furthermore, you had the audacity to proclaim:

“Point One of Keeping Scientology Working is now complete.”

On the release of the Basics at the Maiden Voyage Anniversary Event, June 2007.

Really? Are we to believe that when LRH wrote KSW 1 in 1965 he was lying when he said?

“We have some time since passed the point of achieving uniformly workable technology. The only thing now is getting the technology applied.”

“…One: Having the correct technology.”

“…One above has been done.”

10.  You have re-released the Basics and made everyone re-study them in violation of LRH policy.

You altered the importance of the Basics by ordering that ALL Scientologists route onto them as soon as they were released. Academies worldwide were converted into courserooms delivering only Basics courses. Everyone training as an auditor or even those who were in the middle of OT VIII, were arbitrarily forced to route onto these courses on an immediate basis. LRH clearly states the difference between training and reading books:

“You can dawdle around with theory outside an Academy, read books and so on. But in an Academy only can you LEARN certain things, and not all the books in the world will teach them.

…All training should be of student individuals who will audit people…”

HCOB 7 June 1961
Academy Schedule, Clarification of
(OEC Vol 4, p. 568)

“Theories and processes can be picked up in books and from tapes as well as in classes. Technical skill cannot be picked up anywhere but in an Academy . . . a fact proven by years of observation.”

We are here to train auditors, not to educate them. So just train them.

… You can dawdle around with theory outside an Academy, read books and so on. But in an Academy only can you LEARN certain things, and not all the books in the world will teach them.

… Therefore, all training should not be of a class, for this terminal called a class will never audit anybody. All training should be of student individuals who will audit people, for only an individual student, not a class, will do any auditing.”

HCOB 7 June 1961
Academy Schedule, Clarification of
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 568)

“With what we know now, there is no student we enroll who cannot be properly trained.”

HCO PL 7 February 1965
Keeping Scientology Working
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 7)

“You can stuff a student with theory until it’s coming out of his ears but you won’t have an auditor until he AUDITS. You can even put him through all the drills that have ever been dreamed up and you still won’t have an auditor until he AUDITS.”

LRH ED 299 INT
28 September 1978
The End of Endless Training
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 419)

“…It is the Academy’s purpose to train auditors…”

HCO PL 21 September 1965 Issue V
E-Meter Drills
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 626)

11.  You have removed staff members and declared them suppressive in violation of LRH policy.

The following is a list of the names of 37 of the 50 staff members from St. Hill, the last Org LRH run himself, which you removed and declared.

Ken Urquhart LRH Pers Comm, LRH Butler, for 15 yrs (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
J.J Delance Technical Staff  Clear #17 Started Scn in France (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Leon Steinberg Exec Council  Clear #10 Personal Friend of LRH One of the original LRH trained Class XII (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Jenny Parkhouse Treasury Staff  Clear #54 Personal Friend of LRH (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Pat Bloomberg Dissem Sec (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Peter Hemery HCO Secretary Personal Friend of LRH (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)

Mike Rigby Dir Accounts (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Joyce Popham LRH Pers Sec (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Joan McNocher: D/Guardian (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Robin Hancocks Deputy HCO Executive Sec (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Frank Freedman D/Qual  Clear #127 Class VIII (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Betty James Ad Council Chairman (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
John McMaster SHSBC Course Supervisor  FIRST CLEAR (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Pam Pearcy Ad Council  Clear #211 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Reg Sharpe LRH Assistant  Personal Friend of LRH  Clear #7 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Tony Dunleavy Clearing Course Supervisor  Clear #20 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Connie Broadbent Dir Accounts  Clear #29 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Craig Lipsitz Qual Staff  Clear #30 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership, but now undeclared)
Sheena Fairchild Tech Staff  Clear #41 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Jennifer Edmonds Tech Staff  Clear #15 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Bernie Green Tech Staff  Clear #18  (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)

Gareth McCoy Dissem Staff  Clear #21  (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
John Lawrence Tech Staff  Clear #28 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Peggy Bankston Tech Staff  Clear #34 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Helen Pollen Qual Staff  Clear #47 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)

Fred Fairchild Tech Staff  Clear #49 . (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Dorothy Knight Dissem Staff  Clear #50 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Judy Gray Tech Staff  Clear #56 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Cal Wigney Div 6 Staff  Clear #57 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Mary Long Div 6 Staff  Clear #58 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Bill Robertson Tech Staff  Clear #61 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Linda Nussbaum Exec Staff  Clear #62 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Robin Lindsell Tech Staff  Clear #73 Class XII (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Val Wigney Saint Hill Interne  Clear #87 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Edith Hoyseth Saint Hill Interne  Clear #105 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Roger Biddell Saint Hill Interne  Clear #107 (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Cyril Vosper Tech Staff (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)
Brian Livingston Tech Staff  Clear #35 One of the original LRH trained Class XII (DECLARED SP by Current Church Leadership)

LRH:

“…Now any time you find thirty people on staff being removed because they were suppressive, you know they had the wrong Why, because the percentages are wrong. It’s just as mathematical as that. If they’ve done that then I can also assure you they’ve left the suppressive on the staff and I can also assure you the guy that did it was suppressive.”

HCO PL 15 MARCH 1977 RA, Data Series 41 RA,

Evaluation, The Situation 

“…You should upgrade your idea of what an SP is. Man, meet one sometime! A real one! A real monster… Well, in all the time we’ve been around here we only had one SP that I know of. One real SP that was on staff… And I don’t know of another single SP that we’ve ever had on staff. Isn’t that interesting. You see all these SP orders and so on… Don’t throw it around carelessly, because this is an–a very exaggerated condition, SP.” 

“About Rhodesia,” lecture, 19 July 1966, Saint Hill Special Briefing Course tape transcripts

Lecture Set 421-434, pp. 223-224

In addition to everything stated above, you have committed other crimes and illegal acts, including but not limited to:

-       The alteration of LRH policy regarding SO members having children. You have forbidden this, thus thwarting their second dynamic, and offloading loyal SO women that became pregnant, or worse, coerced them to have abortions. This action contributed to numerous divorces as you further suppressed their second dynamic.

-       The introduction of executive C/Sing for, and alteration of, policy on the subject of Clear. Since 2002, the majority of former New OT 5s, 7s, and 8s have been adjudicated not Clear. This includes at least 6 public who had attested to Clear under LRH.

-       The disappearance from view of senior execs such as President CSI Heber Jentzsch, Ed Int Guillame Lesevre,  WDC Chairman/CO CMO INT Mark Yager, FSO Captain Debbie Cook, Snr C/S Int Ray Mithoff, CO CST Russell Bellin, and COB Assistant Shelly Miscavige, your own wife…

Many of these posts have remained vacant since their disappearance, which would suggest that you have collapsed the entire upper Int management strata and effectively created a dictatorship. Where are these respected, senior veteran members of the Church?

-       The destruction of the Mission Network in 1982, at the infamous Missions Conference in which you ousted Martin Samuels, Bent Corydon, and many other Mission Holders of booming missions.

-       The reinstatement of the disconnection policy, after LRH cancelled it, and using it as a weapon of fear and extortion.

 “Since we can now handle all types of cases, disconnection as a condition is canceled.” 

HCO PL 15 November 1968

CANCELLATION OF DISCONNECTION

-       The illegal dissolution of the HASI, created by LRH, and replacing it with the IAS.

-       Using the IAS to amass a “war chest” by abusing Scientologists’ native desire to help, but at the same time running the IAS in a way that lacks transparency, and does not fund nearly as many projects as it is capable of, based on the massive donations it collects, week in and week out.

-       The misuse of confidential PC folder data to serve your evil purposes.

Conclusions

There have been countless Scientologists writing knowledge reports for many years, reporting instances of out-tech, abuse, injustices, etc. Scientologists have followed the policy laid out by LRH, observed the outnesses, report them… but these situations have failed to resolve. In many cases there would not even be a reply.

As usual, LRH explains this: 

“If correctly reported outnesses that threaten the org are NOT corrected, then one assumes that suppression exists.”

HCO PL 7 December 1969
Ethics, The Design of
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 517)

Furthermore, this is what LRH says about stats staying down:

“A senior executive is soft in the head if he thinks statistics just stay down. They are always HELD down hard.

Emergencies don’t just happen because someone is idle. Emergencies are made — actively. It takes a lot of counter-effort to jam an org’s flows — if you don’t believe it, then measure it by the effort you exert trying to get things going. What’s pushing back so hard?

Emergencies are made. They don’t just happen. And any hearing in an area where statistics just won’t come up will reveal not mere negligence but actual crimes as well.”

HCO PL 16 January 1966R
Danger Condition
(OEC Vol. 1, p. 553)

“If one is putting heavy effort into pushing a graph up and it won’t go up, then there must be a hidden counter-effort to keep it down.”

HCO PL 6 November 1966R Issue I
Statistic Interpretation, Statistic Analysis
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 335)

“Indifferent leadership, even inaction can’t drive a statistic down. Only active suppression can.”

HCO PL 10 February 1966R
Tech Recovery
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 1087)

“It has been found that the whole reason for any lack of prosperity of an org is INTERNAL. The surrounding area of the public has very little to do with whether stats are up or down.”

HCO PL 7 March 1972R
Esto Series 1R, The Establishment Officer
(Management Series Vol. 2, p. 3)

“Bad tech makes it almost impossible to get pcs or students in.”

HCO PL 29 May 1961, Issue I
KSW Series 3—Quality and Admin in Central Orgs
(OEC Vol 7, p. 837)

“The public stays away from orgs in droves which alter technology.”

HCO Executive Letter of 1 September 1964
Technical Lectures by Other Personnel
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 1191) 

“THE PUBLIC HATES LIKE HELL TO BE DENIED DIANETICS AND SCIENTOLOGY.”

HCO PL 25 September 1972
Recovering Students and Pcs
(OEC Vol. 4, p. 269)

“But the truth is that the public is with you just so long as results are achieved.
As soon as they aren’t achieved, areas become upset.”

HCO PL 26 October 1971
KSW Series 6, Tech Downgrades
(OEC Vol. 5, p. 97)

“I’ve learned this over the years: The entirety of our stats are internally caused.

“WE CAN CAUSE STATS AT WILL. External actions don’t affect them.

A newspaper can write reams of entheta and it doesn’t affect our stats at all.”

HCO PL 18 March 1977RA
Data Series 43RA, Evaluation and Programs
(Management Series Vol. 1, p. 167)

“The public is always there. Any enemy action does not change our stats.
They are changed inside the org or by higher orders only.”

LRH ED 104 INT
Auditing Sales and Delivery Prg #1
2 June 1970
(OEC Vol. 5, p. 258)

“What destroys an organization is its own germs.”

Tape: Org Board and Livingness
6 April 1965

“So the ogre which might eat us up is not the government or the High Priests. It’s our possible failure to retain and practice our technology.”

                 HCO PL 7 February 1965
                 KSW Series 1, Keeping Scientology Working
                 (OEC Vol. 0, p. 7)

“You have only one big stable datum:

IF IT ISN’T WORKING, IT IS BEING VARIED.”

HCOB 20 May 1969
Keeping Dianetics Working in an Area
(Tech Vol. VIII, p. 415)

“Abandonment of standard tech in favor of unusual solutions.
This is always present when a collapse of Tech occurs.”

HCO PL 10 Feb 1966R Issue 2
Tech Recovery
(OEC Vol. 4. p. 1087)

“An arbitrary is probably just a wrong Why held in by law. And if so held in, it will crash the place.”

HCO PL 13 October 1970, Issue II
Data Series 19, The Real Why
(Management Series Vol. 1, p. 82)

“The introduction of an arbitrary into a problem or solution invites the further introduction of arbitraries into problems and solutions.”

Scientology 0-8, The Book of Basics
Chapter 5, The Logics and Dianetics Axioms
(Logic #15)

“Each time an arbitrary is introduced it has the effect of reducing the rationale and tone of the group as a whole and will lead to the necessity to introduce two or three more arbitraries”.

LRH Article of 11 Dec 1950
Group Dianetics
(First edition of R&D Volume 5, p. 261)

“A study reveals that orgs fade and stumble simply and only because vital actions are dropped out or harmful arbitraries are introduced.”

HCO PL 29 Dec 1971RB REV 4 Sept 1990
Flag Representative, Purpose Of
(OEC Vol. 7, p. 1407)

Therefore it is my conclusion, that you, David Miscavige, are a full-blown suppressive, as LRH says “a real monster,” and that you are the one responsible for the decline of the Church and the general unhappiness that exists among the staff and public. It’s easily explainable: you are an SP, the staff and public are PTS to you.

So what is the purpose of this letter?

Firstly to tell you that I am hereby resigning from the Church of Scientology, because you have managed to hijack it and have turned it into a squirrel group. Handling from within is not possible, as you have really made the entire area very PTS, have created a dangerous environment whereby Scientologists routinely engage in thought-stopping, inhibited communication, not-ising and dub-in, and many have snapped terminals with you. I can imagine the piles of Knowledge reports sent to your office every day, and nothing is ever done on them.

I am not, however, resigning from Scientology. I am a firm believer of the philosophy and in fact I am applying it here, now. I will forever be a staunch defender of Scientology and will do my best to keep KSW in.

I am joining the group of Independent Scientologists, which is in fact thriving and truly expanding, and where delivery of LRH Standard Tech is a reality. So, like many others before me, I go.

And one person at a time, much like the drop becomes the trickle, and the trickle becomes the stream, and the stream becomes the river… you shall one day find yourself alone, no one to listen to you, no one to follow you. Alone with your wondrous empty buildings.

Secondly, is to let you know that I know. The blindfold has come off. I know what you’ve done and I know what you are doing. As far as I am concerned, you can take your “Command Intention” and shove it!

And, you know? Eternity is a very long time and it is ahead of us. You may destroy the Church, but you will not destroy Scientology.

I am confronting you today, but you will have to confront me some day and pay for your crimes. And pay you will.

Luis Garcia

“A true group must have a management which deals in affinity, reality and communication, and any group is totally within its rights, when a full and reasonable examination discloses management in fault of perverting or cutting ARC, of slaughtering, exiling or suspending that management. ARC is sacred.”

Essay on Management

“To actively decry the suppression of knowledge, wisdom, philosophy or data which would help mankind.”

Code of a Scientologist
The Creation of Human Ability 1954

“[People] learn to keep their mouths shut, and it’s the wrong lesson. When in doubt, talk. When in doubt, communicate… you’ll be very successful all the way along the line if you just remember that.”

The Phoenix Lectures 1954
“What would happen if all men were free enough to speak? Then and only then would you have freedom.”

HCO PL 8 February 1960
Honest People Have Rights, Too
(OEC Vol. 0, p. 461)

“Look, don’t listen.”

HCO PL 7 February 1965

KSW Series 1, Keeping Scientology Working

Attitude and Conduct of Scientology
(4th London ACC, 3rd November 1955)
straight from L. Ron Hubbard
(emphasis added):

“…the arduous lesson along this line is that no-communication lists (meaning lists of those who are not supposed to be communicated to),
revocation or suspension of certificates,
court actions of any kind, whatsoever, within the realm of Scientology and so forth,
is not only difficult to do but does not work.
That’s just the end of it.
It just doesn’t work.
It’s for the sea gulls.
That might work in Gestetner Limited or Westinghouse, but it does not work in Scientology.
Got that?”

“It’s because they are people of good intention.
And by saying that these people are not fit to associate with us anymore,
we have told a lie of magnitude.
This is not true.
It’s never true.
You got it?”

“Our inability to understand the actions of other Scientologists has a very fascinating barrier.
The limitation on our understanding is simply this:  we say they have bad intentions, and that is a lie.
Got it?”  (interpretation here is that the barrier to understanding the actions of other Scientologists IS stating, or thinking that they have bad intentions – because it is simply not true, it’s a lie).

“So the whole situation is liable to enturbulate around that postulated bad intention.  (around that LIE).
That’s what enturbulates the situation (the lie that they have bad intentions).
That makes a lie.
The situation then becomes unsolvable, because we’ve entered a changing factor called a lie into it.”

“The most valuable asset we have, actually, is our ability to understand, to do the right thing, to be kind, to be decent.”

“Well, I hate to unsettle a very stable datum, if it does unsettle it.
But the only way anything ever does resolve is by letting your own kind heart reach through.
That’s the only way it ever does solve.
And it never solves by being tough.”

“What do we really have of value in the organizations of Scientology?
The only thing we have of value, actually, in Scientology, is an understanding of life,
increasing ability to communicate,
a good concept and grip on reality
and the ability to like guys.
That’s all you got.”

That is what L. Ron Hubbard has to say about it all.  Yes, it would apply both ways, of course.  I’d also state there are many many things he said about it all – and I promise you he contradicted himself just as many times.  That isn’t the point, the point is that someone can show you something he wrote that “cancels” this.  I refer you back to read “KSW1″

So What Happened to Grandma?

Well, yesterday the Director of Special Affairs, (Ellen Forney) and Jill James (whatever post she now holds) showed up at our front door.   According to Heather, they knocked and rang the bell for about 5 mins until Grandma finally heard it from her home, downstairs.
Here’s Grandma, 71 years old, being greeted by a stone-faced and hollow-eyed Jill James with 3 sheets of paper, goldenrod in color, declaring her an “evil person”.  Do you wonder if it was because she refused to disassociate with her only daughter & granddaughter?

Jeremy, they came here just to ensure that she knew her status with them.  Their stated purpose was for her to read the lies they published about her on that goldenrod and to sign a piece of paper stating she knew. —  I am quite thankful she did NOT read the garbage piece of shit, as it’s always full of lies and deception, and she knew it would greatly hurt her!

You know how tender-hearted your Grandma is.  She truly does wear her feelings are on her sleeves.

Thinking about this, it seems only apparent that they came to our home exclusively to UPSET her by having her read the horrible things they published about her so her friends of 20+ years would think very badly of her.   What other reason could there be for their actions?  She hasn’t had anything to do with that organization for over a year.    Why else would they have driven 45 minutes out to our home on a Thursday before 2pm?

I’m thinking it took them this long to issue the goldenrod on her because they had to comb over every single error or mistake she’s ever made and figure out how to stick it in writing with twists making her look evil and making it appear her mistakes were evil intentions!!  Good god, when she told me it was THREE pages long, I about flipped!

Jeremy, your grandma was on staff for over 10 years.  She was known by all public in the area as being one of the most caring, loving, and unselfishly giving people on staff.  Your grandma was a “care-taker” of all the guys there – even at her age!   Before that, she worked for 5 years helping watch staff children (13 of them) when your dad and I were on staff!  Do you think the Saint Louis public who read her “declare”  will believe it?  I hope common sense kicks in!  Sadly, I don’t count on it.

Do you believe it, Jeremy?  If you don’t, then where is your personal integrity on this?  Why would you continue to live as if your entire family is dead?

It’s Sarah.  Sad.  All for a woman.  Sarah would leave you if you decided that nobody, short of God, could come between you and your family.  You know for sure they would declare you too if you decided you love your family and were going to re-connect to us.  You know that Sarah would leave you.  Because Scientology dictates that you all cannot associate with us “bad evil people”.

Here is what L. Ron Hubbard said………”You should upgrade your idea of what an SP is. Man, meet one sometime! A real one! A real monster…. Well, in all the time we’ve been around here we only had one SP that I know of. One real SP that was on staff…. And I don’t know of another single SP that we’ve ever had on staff. Isn’t that interesting. You see all these SP orders and so on… Don’t throw it around carelessly, because this is a very exaggerated condition, SP.” LRH, “About Rhodesia,” lecture, 19 July 1966, Saint Hill Special Briefing Course tape transcripts, Lecture Set 421-434, pp. 223-224

Jeremy, we missed you this Christmas.

As you can see, we did get our family portraits done.  It was hard to just go on and do it without you.  Bless her heart, Nanny suggested we take one of your old photos and superimpose it on these.  We opted not to.  Besides the only photos we have of you are almost two years old now!

We had a good time.  Ashton was so excited for Santa to come!  You should have seen his face on Christmas morning!  Lo and behold, Santa knew where Ashton was this Christmas!!

He is completely adorable.  So well mannered and smart!  You’d absolutely LOVE spending time with him.  Hearing him call you UNCLE JEREMY, priceless.

Jeremy, you have a lot of family who love you.  We will always love you.

Watch for my next post and I’ll share Christmas with you.  I took a few pictures.  Not a lot though.

Love Always, Your Mom….

We are especially missing  you this year, since we haven’t had any contact with you in over a year.  Your stocking is hung on the mantel.  I think Heather would give up all her xmas gifts just to spend it with you.  I’m sure she would.  She said once that she would just hide in a closet and not say a word, just to see your face again.  Sure wish we had some recent pictures.

2009 – Christmas past…..last one I spent with you…..I remember we had a lonely Christmas that year because Heather was gone to the Sea Org at that time, trying get away from there.  They wouldn’t let her leave.  We missed her so much, remember?  We did a really funny video for her!!  I’m forever thankful she made it out of there.

2008 – Christmas past…..one of our happiest because we were ALL together.  OMG, this is the year you were sitting on the couch with the pillow in your lap and Heather reached over and yanked the pillow off your lap as your hand came down fast and hard to advert her stealing your pillow – only to make hideous contact with your family jewels!  I swear, we laughed so hard we literally cried!!  Oh, not you, it hurt and we were not laughing because you were hurt, we were laughing because it completely looked like you just smacked yourself on purpose without anything to do with the pillow being taken.  Oh Jeremy, we still laugh about that one.  See that pillow on Heather’s lap…..bringing back memories?  We all laughed, but on the other side of the coin, I am sorry it hurt you.

We’ve been having fun.  I’ve been keeping the social calendar full of family fun things.  Last weekend we made a family trip out to Defiance to see the Daniel Boone home and village.  We did the candlelight tour at night and it was quite an experience.  It was chilly but there were bonfires, hot chocolate and holiday smells in the air.  It was a village set in the 1800′s and at each location we stopped, there were actors playing a part and acting out some scene from that time period.  We were “onlookers” who were supposed to be from the future, so we were not acknowledged.  Very cool.  My favorite part was the beautiful chapel.  It was so pretty and they had a choir singing – the acoustics in the building were amazing.  It felt like it was surround sound and I kept looking over my shoulder to see if someone was singing along.  At the end there was a gift shop.  I bought you something really cool!

We finally went to Brussels Illinois and ate.  Such a fun place where it’s quite different than most restaurants.  This one is a very old hotel and they serve your meal to you, like going home for momma’s fried chicken!  You sit down to a relish tray of pickled beets, corn relish, veggies, marmelaid, candied apple rings and a bowl of coleslaw.  They bring you out a plate of scrumptious sausages, a bowl of soup and hot dinner rolls.  Once you’re ready, the main course comes out, consisting of a plate of home fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, corn and even a bowl of chicken n dumplings!  You talk about a load of food, set back in the olden days feel.

Twilight, Breaking Dawn – wow.  We went to see Breaking Dawn and we loved it.  An amazing love story and I’m dying to see the next one.  LOL, I didn’t read the books but I’m sure I’ll read them after the final movie.  I was wondering if you and Sarah watched it.  I’m so hooked on it….if you saw it, did you see Bella’s engagement ring?  OMG, that ring, I loved it.  I’m a complete mess over it, I actually went out and found a boxed set of the ring replicated.  (rolling my eyes at myself!).  And the soundtrack is completely what I want.  There are some really great songs on it, like “A Thousand Years”….. great song!

My birthday is coming up next week, Thursday.  It’s one of the exciting ones for me….oh yes it is.  This year I’m getting another karaoke machine, and a nice one at that, since it was a combined present.  See, I know what it is because I picked it out.  I see it sitting in the box in the front room, but I can’t touch it until my birthday…..(breathe Meshell, breathe!).  Just think, if you were here, we could sing together.  Remember that one song you sang and put on YouTube?  Didn’t you make it up?  It was so cool, you did such a good job!  So, we’re going out to eat then home for the concert.  LMAO.  Oh, did I tell you it came with FOUR SETS of earplugs?  Yep.  Heather is working so it will be nanny, Jim and I and we’ll buy you dinner if you want to come along.  I didn’t hear a word from you last year.

We are having Christmas at Jim’s moms on the 17th.  They miss you a lot and none of this makes sense to them.  It’d be awesome if you wanted to come along, as you know there is always a lot of yummy food and fun!  Never a dull moment over there and you’re loved, wanted and missed.

Travis, Brittany and Ashton are coming for Christmas!  Bless their hearts, this will really help around here.  Heather is working most of the holiday, I guess it will make it better for her, I don’t know.  Anyway, we have beautiful fun plans for Christmas and you NEVER need an invitation to home.  Never.  We have tons of good food planned and you are very very loved.  Since you may not know the address, just call me….. 314-558-2308.

Wow, it’s been a really long time since you’ve seen your blood nephew, Ashton.  He is completely adorable.  One very cool being!  Just look at this smile…. You are his Uncle Jeremy.  I sincerely hope he will grow up knowing you.

Jeremy – you need to know that we all love you very much.  

I will always love you –

even when I’m so mad I yell at you

(on my blog, lol).

Even your old favorite kitty misses you.  He has become somewhat of a glowing eyed mess.  Actually, we think he has been revealing his alien heritage, what do you think?  Like, can you spot the cat here?

After Christmas, New Years Eve, we are headed over to Jim’s dad’s.  It’s his 82nd birthday (we think).  Remember how we used to play cards – so much fun.  Again, you don’t need an invitation to come.

I’m sitting here looking at this wondering if it’s even possible that I will be writing to you about Christmas 10 years from now too.  I wonder.  I need a crystal ball!

Poem for my children.  Travis, Heather and you, Jeremy -

.

The Best Way to Make It Through … Is to Listen to Your Heart 

In life, we have to 
make decisions
that aren’t easy.
We’re afraid that
whatever choice we make
will upset someone we love.
It is at these times
that we need to look inside
and listen to
the voice that’s inside us.
If we listen just to
the wishes of those around us
and ignore our own feelings,
we will not be truly happy.
Listen to what you know
is right
and stand on that,
because when you do,
you will be happy.

-Bethanie Jean Brevik

I love my children.  All of you.  I’m proud of you and I’m so happy to be sharing our lives together.  Jeremy is just “away” for the time being……. we all love you, Jeremy.

See, a few days back I sent you some important information in an email to your gmail email address.  The email was returned as undeliverable because the account no longer exists!  I know you had to consciously delete the account to ensure my emails don’t reach you! 

Never fear, I had one of your older email addresses and I just re-sent it to that one.  Whew, it went through just fine.  

Yesterday I needed to get some additional important information to you and sent an email to that older address and it comes back as a deleted account. 

Are you kidding me?  How clearer could this be that you deleted it so you would receive no comm from me?  WTF? I’m sorry, but this cuts like a knife through my heart.  Makes me so sad, I’m just not dealing well. 

You’re a complete jack-ass to treat me like this when I have NEVER done anything wrong to you or to anyone you love.  You do not have a personal beef with me (as your mother) and you know I have done nothing to you personally.  This hurts, Jeremy. 

You know the ONLY reason you are DISCONNECTED from me is because the Church of Scientology dictated that you must never associate with me again because I spoke negatively about them! 

Jeremy, I was dedicated to the organization for 22 years of my life and when I realized the corruption was beyond my ability to correct it – I left.  Don’t you think that decision was hard?  Don’t you think I researched till my eyes bled in order to KNOW I was doing the right thing?  Do you think I had an ounce of doubt before making a decision that would impact my whole life?  Jeremy, I had NO doubt about my decision and I have never regretted it for one minute.  I am correct. 

You would never believe all the people I’ve met who are so afraid of that organization that they would NEVER admit (publicly) they are also OUT!  I mean prominent people.  They know that their family could be ripped from them with threat of (hell fire and damnation) losing their heaven and eternity.  But the message is the same, Jeremy.  They came to the same conclusion I did.  Corruption and control.  I have conversations with these people.  There are A LOT of them.  They will never mention it out loud because untold harm could come to them.  Can you believe this? 

Every single person on this planet is in danger of this corrupt organization that hides behind “saving mankind” with “technology of life”. 

Every family can be torn apart if any ONE of them get involved with Scientology because that organization will require you or your children or spouse etc. DISCONNECT FOREVER from anyone who disagrees with it or criticizes it out loud (or until the person “comes to his senses” and degrades himself and his bank account to get “back in good standing”). 

The situation is out of control.  There are freaking HUNDREDS maybe THOUSANDS of families that have been horribly negatively impacted by your so called “church”.

Enough on that.

Today I hate you.

I hate you for your selfishness. 

I hate you for what you’ve done to your sister who misses you so much she cries. 

I hate you for what you’re doing to your father who truly might not be here long enough to see you come to your damn senses! 

I hate you for deleting me from your life because OTHER PEOPLE tell you I’m a bad person. 

Today I hate you because you cause me more pain than I deserve. 

Today, Jeremy, I hate you. 

I hope you get back what you deserve.  I hope your children grow up and decide that they don’t want anything to do with that sick organization that plays god with disconnecting families. 

When your children want to know why they don’t have a grandma/grandpa on your side of the family, no aunts or great grandparents – I hope they DISCONNECT from you and Sarah. 

I hope they speak out about the atrocity of this situation and get declared by that “church” as “bad people” like us – and you are not allowed to associate with them ever again!!!  You deserve this fate.

Wake the hell up!

Tomorrow I may feel differently, but today I hate you.  I really want you to know how bad this hurts.

Thanksgiving is next week.  I am thankful that karma will get you.  Today, I honestly feel this way.